Thursday, May 8, 2014

Jeter and Roberts have isolated a potent, home run strain of bathroom juju

Two nights ago, when Brian Roberts homered in the eighth, Derek Jeter missed the blast, because he was blasting away himself - at the toilet bowl. Last night, Roberts returned the favor as Jeter. As Jete was zipping around the bases - his first HR of the year - Roberts was zipping up his fly. It's basic juju: To hit one out, hit the can. It's taken a month, but the Yankees have finally figured it out.

Lately, there's been a national debate on who is better: Robbie Cano or Dustin Pedroia. It's like Bounty vs. Kleenex. Got a spill? You need thick paper towels (Pedroia), which are coarser, more absorbent, and can roll off in a giant wad. Head cold? You don't want to be wiping your face for a week with sandpaper. You'll have Bill O'Reilly's nostrils. Kleenex (Cano) is smooth and soft, easy on the lips. But don't be waving a Kleenex with the bases loaded and the game on the line. (By the way, both beat napkins - Ian Kinsler - and toilet paper - Howie Kendricks.) Right now, Brian Roberts is shredded newsprint; don't knock it, if you need animal bedding. And when it comes to juju, Brian clearly is squeezing his Charmin.

That's an area where Cano never shone. If you study his career, Robbie produced few - if any - gigantic Yankee moments. No Giambian walk off grand slam, no O'Neillian game-ending catch, no Jeterian magic. I never held it against Robbie. I thought - wrongly, it turns out - those moments would come, eventually. But let's face it: Last night, Cano wouldn't have gone to the loo to help Jeter break out of his slump. It takes a special teammate to hit the crapper for you. Only Pedroia knows what he's done, but somebody was can-sitting throughout October, whenever Big Papi came to bat.

So the Yankees have taken two out of three against the California Angeles of Los Angeles at Anaheim. Last time time we won a series in Disney Land, "Dumbo" - alias Jorge Posada - led our way. Moreover, we won last night with Vidal Nuno, whose slot in the rotation was starting to look like a regular bullpen wipe-out. That's good juju, too.

Right now, the 2014 Yankees are hard to explain. Lupica, in today's News, says Jeter is back. Well, that's just Lupica being Lupica - which is to say, he lives in a binary universe. Everything is black, or everything is white. It's a long season. One home run doesn't signify anything. But dammit, we've got juju... good, solid bathroom juju. From now on, the Yankees don't need testosterone or steroids. Simple Ex-Lax will do.


KD said...

Ratboy vs. Cano? this is easy. who is paid more? That is the gauge of worth, my friends.

Anonymous said...

I don't think that's really CC in the photo.

Larry Craig (R-Idaho), U.S. Senate (retired) said...

Does privacy not exist any more?