Monday, April 27, 2015

Just as the Yankees are rising, Shallow Hal decides to play chicken

Last night on ESPN, the comedy duo of Kruky and Schill absolutely killed. Barack Obama must be writing their stuff. Their funniest bit was a dead-on satire of U.S. politics, based on the Yankees' refusal to pay Alex Rodriguez a $6 million bonus for his upcoming 660th HR, which will tie A-Rod with the immortal Willie Mays.

In the skit, John Kruk and Curt Schilling - (I get them mixed up, like Laurel and Hardy) - argued about the milestone controversy, concluding that, "Both sides are at fault." It was a hilarious whack at mainstream media pundits, who cannot report corruption or hypocrisy without always spinelessly adding, "Both sides do it." In this case, Schill questioned the wisdom of creating a wedge issue between a franchise and its cleanup hitter - (of course, he didn't mention Hal Steinbrenner by name) - by being chintzy. (He didn't use the word "chintzy.")

Schill's surprising conclusion: Both sides are a fault! And why? Because A-Rod surely doesn't need the money! Seriously... Cheerios were coming out of my nose. Yes, A-Rod is rich, but at least he earned his fortune, which Hal possessed at age 6 months. Hal is a billionaire - "B" - and yet it's A-Rod who doesn't need the money? Hilarious. Both sides are at fault. I'm still slapping my knees. Where have you gone, Brian Williams? Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you...

At one magical point, somebody - at first, I thought it was Schill - said, "Now, I don't want to spend somebody else's money..." What a line, considering that's exactly what Schilling did three years ago to the taxpayers of Rhode Island - go night-clubbing with $75 million of their money. I was going to post it, but then I thought it might have been Kruk who said the line. You get them confused, like Hall and Oates.

(NOTE: I may be getting soft. but these days, Curt Schilling seems more deferential to the Yankees than the stooges on YES. Last night, as he spoke about loving to play in NYC, despite being so hated, I found myself actually liking the guy. There... I said it. I like the guy. I think we need to refile Schilling into the dung heap category of, say, Donald Rumsfeld: Up close, he is a mirthful old goofball who, if he lived next door, would happily fix your mower. The problems only start when somebody gives him nukes and an army. In the ESPN booth, Schilling is a lovable Gomer. As long as he's not angling for the U.S. Senate - which sadly, he was once - maybe he deserves a pass?)

Ah, but back to my hatchet...

I hope A-Rod hits his milestone HR this week. I hope the Yankee Stadium crowd stands and cheers. I hope the ovation goes long and stops the game. I hope they call him out of the dugout. And I hope that Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner - sitting somewhere in his bubble bath - realizes that he could have sold $39.99 dirt from the event, had he not been so busy collecting nickel deposits from the clubhouse Pepsi cans.

Yes, A-Rod is the devil. But Hal owns the "Evil Empire." Both sides suck, but not equally. One is an idiot, and the other has committed the unspeakable crime: Being cheap. That's Hal. He's cheap, cheap, cheap. Hey, maybe Kruky and Schill can launch a barnyard bit!

UPDATE: This came in via sburbank. (Thanks!)


Anonymous said...

There's only one way to watch a Yankee game on ESPN...mute the tv and listen to the Master.

sburbank said...

Schill seems to have confirmed that he did say it on twitter: