Sunday, December 31, 2017

Summoning reverse juju for 2018

With the understanding that you cannot predict baseball, and that - by saying terrible things aloud, it might keep them from happening - I offer here the sum of all our fears. 

These things CANNOT happen, because I am predicting them, and my predictions never come to pass. Understand? 

Here goes. Between now and March 30, the Yankees will...

1. Trade Jacoby Ellsbury and his contract to some generic West Coast team for a bag of chicken wings and a 26-year-old Single A Venezuelan. We will grease this deal by adding a top-tier prospect, whom the Gammonites will quickly claim had no future with the team. To salve the simmering fan backlash, the front office will assure us that the Yankee farm system remains in the Top 10 of MLB, and the days of this franchise lavishing $100 million, seven-year deals on free agents are over, done, KAPUT. The franchise will stay within the 2019 luxury cap threshold... period! 

2. Trade Clint "Red Thunder" Frazier for a thirtysomething corner infielder, who will serve as a stopgap lug nut at 3B. The writers will note that, despite the Ellsbury deal, Frazier remained blocked in the Yankee OF and was, thus, expendable. Though this deal now blocks budding prospect Miguel Andujar at 3B, the front office will insist it has no plan to trade Andujar, and it notes that the farm system is still rated in the Top 15 of MLB.

4. Trade Andujar for a veteran middle infielder, who will serve as a stopgap measure at 2B. The Gammonites will note that with the new third baseman on board, Andujar was blocked and expendable. The front office will insist that it has no plans to trade second base prospect Glyber Torres, and it will note that the farm system is still rated in the Top 20 of MLB.

5. Lavish a $100 million, seven-year deal on either Yu Darvish, Chris Archer or whatever free agent pitcher is available. This will happen because the Yankees saved money on the Ellsbury, Frazier and Andjuar deals, giving the Yankee a powerful, six-man rotation to enter 2018. Entering spring training, the Gammonites will anoint the Yankees as 2018 World Champions, and the front office will insist that the team's farm system remains in the Top 25 of MLB, and that it will remain below the luxury tax threshold.

6. Announce that Sonny Gray and Jordan Montgomery will undergo Tommy John surgery and miss 2018, whittling the Yankee rotation to four. The front office will insist that it has no plans fill the empty slots by trading prospects for veteran pitchers, unless any good deals come about. Also, it will note that the farm system is still rated in the Top 30 of MLB...

Remember: By saying these things, they cannot happen. Right?

Okay, have a happy New Year, mutherfukkers.


13bit said...

I was already depressed. Then I turned to this page on the Internet.

You may be tempting the JUJU gods, Duque. I hope this strategy works. Of course, it'll work, right?

Do you think we'll ever have a captain again?

~ Just twisting in the [gale force] down here in Greenwich Village...

Isiyku Abdulahi said...

I really want the world to know about this great man who brought back happiness into my life again after my husband left me and the kids 3 years ago for another women online when i contacted Dr Believe he cast a love spell for me within 48 hours my ex husband start calling me and begging for forgiveness for everything that have happened between us. I was so happy to have my family back together with love again here is the email of Dr Believe via a man with the great powers you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348156148821
God bless you
I am very grateful for your help in my marriage.