Did we all die, and this is eternity? Consider the YES Network's daily lineup

An old-fashioned global lock-down is the perfect occasion to catch up on those bucket list items you've been putting off years. 

Hobbies like, well, taxidermy! Here's you chance to restore that road-killed squirrel to a murderous snarl that will enliven some child's nightmares forever. Or restore that old Salton Home Yogurt-Making Machine, which has been in the basement since your cholesterol count came to rival that of Curly Culp. (Remember him?) Or, well, reading things - like, um, Yankee blogs! even though there hasn't been one iota of true Yankee news since the economic system crashed into the wall like Minny Minoso. Not one scintilla of news. Nobody has gotten injured (that we know.) Nobody has messed up (that we know.) Everything remains frozen in place, except for you and me: We've gotten older and craggier. 

But enough happy talk! Today, let's discuss the real casualty of this corona war: The always enchanting YES Network. Yesterday, Forbes ranked the Yankees as America's most valuable baseball franchise - by far - with a net worth at $5 billion. Nobody else close. Nevertheless, the YES Network has been regularly valued at nearly twice that of the Yankees, making the Steinbrenner family even richer than they seem, and making Food Stamps Hal's obsession with paying luxury taxes far more pathetic and infuriating. On the scale of his net worth, the luxury tax is the rough equivalent of tipping a waitress in a diner. Yet Hal fights as if his home is about to be repossessed. Amazing.

But this is about YES, which this evening will air "YES, We're Here," an exciting discussion between announcers Michael Kay and Ryan Ruocco on how they're spending the quarantine. This makes taxidermy a very real alternative. Two talkers talking about what they're doing around the house. Wow. 

Well, here's the real truth: 

We died, and this is Hell. 

Let's try something. Go to your front door. Open it. Do you find that you cannot step outside? That when you walk to the driveway, you hear a POOF and suddenly find yourself back in the living room, holding the channel changer and watching YES? That's not a sixties drug flashback. That's fucking eternity. Turns out, you were a bad person. And here's your reward for a lifetime of evil: YES, We're Here.

Yes, you're here: Hell. And here is today's TV schedule.

Imagine the poor YES engineering schlupp who must run the board today? Has there ever been a sadder lineup? The network is running a game last March against the O's. That's a Yankee Classic? And let's not forget the great Brooklyn Nets game against the (Name the city; I'd have to look it up, but I won't) Pelicans from last November.

Listen: Unless it's a game where Charles Oakley punches out a Dolan, who wants to watch any NBA regular season rerun? 

My guess is that YES's April ratings fell below the annual Yule Log (in July, that is), or is hovering around one of those six-hour canal boat rides on YouTube. The ads must show Glenn Beck hawking gold coins, or Tom Selleck urging you to remortgage the house. 

So, we get to learn how Michael Kay is spending his quarantine. I wonder if we'll see him wearing an apron? Excuse me, I'm going for a walk.

POOF. WTF? How did I get back here...?