The reality is that, until a vaccine is available, fans cannot be packed into stadiums, and well-intentioned plans for "bubble" leagues in Arizona and Florida suffer too many complications.
What can America do to save the national pastime?
Relax, everybody, I got this. Here's the 7-point plan:
1. Ditch the traditional 30-team season until mid-2021.
2. Siphon from MLB rosters four "all-star" teams - the Reds, Blues, Greens and Purples. They will reflect regions of the country - the Northeast, the South, the Midwest and the West Coast.
3. Players will be paid according to a scale negotiated by the union and owners, reflecting TV revenues for a reduced season.
4. The four richest men in America - Jeff Bezos, Mark Zuckerberg, Warren Buffet and Bill Gates - will "own" the teams. Each multi-billionaire can manage on the field or hand the games to celebrity surrogates, such as A-Rod and Jared Kushner.
5. The four teams will face off every Saturday and Sunday, with two games played each day, over a 21-week season. Games will move from city to city, played in near-empty stadiums, before a few hundred socially-distanced fans, chosen by lottery.
6. Rosters will continually be updated, with the billionaires adding stars and subtracting injured or under-performing players. Those players will be scapegoated in daily briefings by the President.
7. The winning region will receive meat, electric power and medical supplies. The losing region can wait to be saved by Jennifer Lawrence.
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6 comments:
Addressing the real needs of the nation. If only you were in charge.
We shall overcome. Everything except insane beer prices at the Stadium.
My only problem with this, Duque, is that I think the winning region should get Jennifer Lawrence.
No, No, the winning region should get the quite astonishing 17 year-old Pauline Hickey from 1985 ! ! !.
I'm not so sure it should be done on regional/political lines.
I'm not ready to watch a ball game where Blue beats Red 6-2 only to read in the Post that it was a FAKE SCORE.
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