Virtual Baseball: Yanks Thump A's; Stanton Still in Wilderness.

The Virtual New York Yankees today took the rubber game of their Easter weekend set against the Oakland Athletics, 13-5, but the Yanks and their fans grew increasingly concerned over the whereabouts of slugger Giancarlo Stanton.

The Yanks fell behind early today, with undefeated J.A. Happ on the mound.  Happ looked lethargic in the opening frames, surrendering a two-run blast to former Yank Dustin Fowler, and a run-scoring double to also former Yank Jorge Mateo.

But the Yankees' starter settled down and turned in eight strong innings, apparently incensed after Oakland fans started chanting, "Happ, Happ/ Look at that crap/ He can't find the plate with a Google map."

"I don't know what it is about my name, but I wish people would stop with these stupid rhymes," a still angry Happ said after the contest.  "Just quit it already."

The Bombers bounced back ,buoyed by a long, three-run homer from Clint Frazier, a bases-clearing triple from Brett Gardner, and a rare, non-avian dinger from Gleyber Torres.  D.J. LeMahieu had three more hits, and played magnificently in the field.

Afterwards, though, the Yankees and their manager were preoccupied by the latest reports out of Colorado.  Rescuer workers in the Rockies have succeeded in locating the train that Giancarlo Stanton was taking to Oakland, Amtrak's "Donner Party," which was derailed after a bridge washout.

All of the passengers were reported to be safe and sound—save for Stanton, who witnesses said refused to wait on relief efforts.  

"He just up an' said, 'Dang it, fellas, point me to Texas,' an' walked off into the wilderness," an old-timey prospector who led rescuers to the train recounted, amidst copious amounts of spitting  "I told him it might take him a spell to get there, but he said he didn't care.  Said it would be a journey of self-discovery, if nuthin' else.  Whatever the fuck that means."

Arlington, Texas is, indeed, the site of the Yankees' next scheduled game, but club officials were skeptical that the outfielder could make it there by Monday.  They also remained skeptical that Stanton could play the outfield.