Virtual Yanks Show Rangers Who's King. Stanton In the Wilderness.

In tonight's virtual baseball, the Yankees got another outstanding six innings from rookie Mike King, whose feather-soft stuff eluded the Texas Rangers.  King allowed just two earned runs and struck out eight, as the Yanks moved to 12-6 on the season with a 7-2 win.

Leading the hit parade were Miguel "El Matador" Andujar and Clint Frazier, who both homered.  After the game, Frazier announced that he was no longer speaking to the press until they stopped asking him to name his cats.

Mike Ford also had an outstanding night at the plate, reaching base five times on three singles and two walks.  He celebrated in the clubhouse afterwards with an extra Double Big Mac.

Meanwhile, the elusive slugger Giancarlo Stanton remained at large.  Stanton, last seen moving through woodlands with a large-footed, hairy individual of approximately eight feet in height, was later spotted heading out into the New Mexico desert.

"We are very alarmed about what he is going to do for water," Brian Cashman, who spent all day frantically working the phones to Lloyd's of London told the press afterwards.  "And about our premiums."

For Cashman, it was his first outside news conference since he narrowly survived an attack by an Albanian eagle, in a lizard misrecognition incident.

Cashmere told reporters that he has now fully recovered, physically and mentally, from the attack.  When a nearby pigeon swooped in suddenly to scoop up a loose piece of a delicious Yankee Stadium RatDog, however, Cashman screamed, covered his head with hands, and threw himself into a fetal position on the ground.

He was later helped back to his office by longtime Yankees creatures Randy Levine and Lonn Trost.