Friday, January 1, 2021

New Year's Resolutions, which I absolutely, completely, earnestly and massively plan to uphold

I, El Duque, hereby resolve in 2021...

I will give Yankee catcher Gary Sanchez 100 at-bats to show his renewed mettle, to save his MLB career, and to restore his former good standing in my psyche. 

I will accept that Aroldis Chapman is no longer the terrifying, dominating, lights-out closer that he once was, but that he can still help us win a game, now and then.

I will never - ever - blame Giancarlo Stanton for his horrible, soul-crushing, from-here-to-eternity contract. The Marlins negotiated it, and the Yankees traded for it. Both knew what they were doing. If Stanton doesn't hit, I will boo him. But I shall never boo him for simply getting a good deal.

Regarding that 100 at-bat resolution for Sanchez... On second thought, he also needs to improve defensively. And hit to the opposite field. And run out grounders. If he does those things, he's off my shitlist.

I will accept that, to add pitching, some of my faves - (thinking Clint or Miguel here) - will have to be traded. But the Yankees better get value in the deals.

I will never accept poor-mouthing by any member of the Steinbrenner clan. The billionaire ownership has plenty of money and reasons to restore the family's Yankee heritage. If Hal imposes an austerity budget, it's because he wants to make more money. And if that's all he wants from the Yankees, he should sell the team. 

I will not fret if Gio Urshela or Luke Voit fall into deep slumps. They have proven themselves to be solid major leaguers, and I will not call for their benching. At least for a while.

Regarding Gary... you know, I'm still thinking on this one. No matter what he does, he still doesn't get to catch Gerrit Cole. That ship sailed. Also, he goes to spring training as the backup catcher. He needs to win the competition. 

If I somehow survive this pandemic, I shall savor every warm beer, cold French fry, bad jukebox choice and line to the restroom that I ever again encounter in a bar. I shall cherish each breath of stale air. 

If I make it, I will never again turn down a friend request or an invitation to an adventure, not matter how ill-advised it seems. Burning Man? I'm there. Arctic circle? Count me in. Parachute into an active volcano? Let's do it! 

And I will - every single day, as I've done for 30 years - write an angry screed about the Yankees. They damn well better win! 

Happy New Year, everybody. 

(Oh, and one last thing about Gary: Until you prove yourself, you're going to bat eighth or ninth.)


13bit said...

I continue to think that Brian Ilyich Cashman is the problem - he is a moron regarding baseball and his job involves making baseball decisions - BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT, it's 2021 and I just had a mental shift. After reading about the Cubs' trade of Darvish and how the billionaire owners, who quadrupled their investment in that franchise, are crying about losses - ("2020 involved losses of biblical proportions," the golden assed owner cried) my minor epiphany was, fuck - it's ALL on Hal. Hal doesn't care, he doesn't know better, he's a greedy succubus who has never worked a day in his life, he hates baseball, HE and he alone is responsible for Cashman's continued existence in the front office and, let me repeat myself: HE DOESN'T CARE.

This is going to be my own personal year of "FUCK YOU, HAL"


Anonymous said...

This article is another example of why Gary Sanchez has become my current favorite Yankee. Once upon a time, the theatre that was the NYY alternated between history and tragedy. The histories lasted years, even decades, and starred characters who were both colorful (Ruth/Berra) and bland (Dimaggio/Jeter). Only kings can star in tragedies, and ours included the likes of Gehrig, Munson, and sadly Rivera (2001 & 2004). Now, unfortunately, the Yankees have become a comedy. While reality seems to elude non-readers of this blog, here we are able to appreciate and enjoy the present play and no one provides more laughs than Gary! Two of the highlights this offseason were Doug K's "Game Used Gary Sanchez Bat" and the statement that W. had "adopted Gary Sanchez' blocking style" for shoe-thrower. Since the organization's not really trying to win, they should go full Second City/Monty Python and sign Sanchez to a ten-year contract as player-manager.


HoraceClarke66 said...

Amen! And thank you, Duque, for another year at this amazing site.

13bit said...

That's a great idea, Melquíades. We should go full on Pete Gray/Eddie Gaedel or early Mets. Let's entertain the people! It IS a game, after all.

Make ICS the player/manager. A trademark move could be kicking dirt at the ump while simultaneously eating and iced cream sandwich. He can be removed every few days and whoever replaces him behind the plate can play/manage for the rest of the game.

Every. Single. Game.

Think of how much money we will save. And Stanton, the Mighty Lord Stanton of Scranton? He can lead the grounds crew doing YMCA, whether he plays or not, while Carl Pavano can do color commentary next to Michael Kay. Let's build them a real entertainment dynasty.

If we do a good enough job, they can create a video game out of it - as we all know that is where the real money is now in entertainment. And steal the Mets' thunder while you're at it. Call the game "The Amazing Yankees" and have a contest every year where the best kids in the nation compete. Whoever wins the contest gets to fill out the real life lineup card for a week. Think of how many kids would kill for that opportunity.

And Hall can continue to do what he is currently doing, laughing all the way to bank while he screams poverty to his paid Gammonite minions.

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