Friday, September 7, 2012

Yankeetorial: Let them lose

This recent collapse has been as torturous as anything the CIA ever devised to deal with hippies. The Yankees have completely beaten down the spirit of their fan base. Lately, when Granderson or Swisher or Ibanez or Jones strike out, I rejoice in the thought that they will be gone soon, and I will never have to root for them again. It's gotten that bad.

In 2004, it happened in the span of only four games. This is worse. This has been drawn out over six weeks. This gives time to reflect on how truly bad this team is, and to compare it with the self-congratulatory victory laps that players and management have taken all season. In their minds, they won the World Series in July.

To accomplish this awesome feat of wretchedness, the Yankees have lived by simple rules:

1. Get behind early. A quick deficit puts your losing claim on the game, letting fans know that you have no plan to win, and that you seek to be kind and not hurt them later.

2. Give back the lead. Quickly. Efficiently. Never let a rare Yankee rally inning go unanswered. Whenever the Yankees score, the opposition must get at least one run back.

3. Leave runners on base. They used to say, "Leadoff walks score." But with the Yankees, "Leadoff walks snore."

4. Share the incompetence baton. No reason why the hitters should lose every game. Now and then, the starting pitchers or the bullpen chip in. We're a finely tuned Microsoft product, which always malfunctions somewhere.

5. When in doubt, pull off a bad managerial move. Let Phil Hughes go for a personal longevity record. Can Freddy Garcia try for six? Jason Nix, a good-field-no-hit utility infielder throughout his career, makes a fine DH.

6. Deny. Pretend it's not happening - that you just woke up tied for first, and now the season starts.

Last night, when the Baltimore crowd chanted "YANKEES SUCK," it made me feel better.

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