Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Yankee 2015 proctology analysis continues: The corner infielders

The '15 Yankees could be the most boring NYC phenomenon since David Dinkins. Despite a knee-jerk wish to look away, let's turn our attention to the lynchpins of loss: The corner infielders.

We start with some guy named Rodriguez. Don't have much on him. Missed last year. Is he that Rodriguez guy, the singer in "Searching for Sugar Man," who returns to South Africa after 30 years? Because in the movie, he puts on a great show and everybody sings. If he's that guy, we live happy ever after.

So much for levity. Listen: Nothing I could say about A-Rod will change how you feel about him. Let's leave it at this: If he hits, he will lift the team and win back a few fans, maybe many. If he flops, we will see unleashed the Hordes of Hell. Whatever A-Rod does, the Yankees quite possibily will follow suit. We are searching for Sugar Man.

At 3B, we have Chase Headley, the least anticipated free agent acquisition since Bone Thugs & Harmony made a song with Phil Collins. Headley is the latest old grunt since Taylor Swift to come to NYC and announce a new lease on life. We should forget those crappy seasons in San Diego. He is now a Yankee, right?

Still, Headley is a pro 3B, as opposed to Yangervis Solarte, who was a pro hanger-on. If Headley could time travel to the 2002 Yankees, he could kill Scott Brosius, get a facelift and take over at Yankee 3B, and nobody would know. He could play 3B for a championship team - as long as he's not batting in the front six. On a great team, he will do well. If he's batting fifth, well...

So, it all depends on A-Rod, right?

At 1B, NYC Emmy nominee Mark Teixeira! who has adopted a Cycle Four diet. (How can these guys, whose careers depend on staying fit, have NOT been eating right?) Teixeira also intends to beat the defensive overshift by hitting "doubles and home runs." Good luck on that.

Tex could someday be the poster child for the "Overshift Era" - the biggest name whose career ended, prematurely, due to lack of defensive indifference. We might look back on Tex as the reason why overshifts were banned... though I hope that never happens. I like the idea of guys hitting to all fields. The modern, dead pull-hitting slugger - who either homers or fans - is the most boring threat to baseball. He might hit 30 HRs. He'll strike out 200 times. It's a bad trade.

Once again, if A-Rod hits, Tex won't have to carry the team. He might even bounce back.

Then there is Garrett Jones, acquired via trade. He can hit righties. Thus, the Yankees will utilize him accordingly. To hear the Yankees talk, they are the only team in baseball to understand this AMAZING new strategy - "platooning." Of the corner guys, Jones is the only one who will lose if A-Rod hits, because he'll end up in Deep Space Nine of the Yankee bench.

After that, it's Kyle Roller. He's 26. Last season, he hit .300 with 26 HR, a bunch in Scranton. I want to see Roller in pinstripes, mostly because of all the hilarity that will ensue from a guy named "Roller" playing 1B. If he's slow, he's a Slow Roller. BADABOOM. But the reality is, he will probably never get a shot. Or if he does, it will mean we are dead as dish rags in a September when the Hordes of Hell have settled in the Bronx. We will be fondly remembering David Dinkins.

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