Sunday, July 18, 2021

From the flight deck of the Oumuamua

A HoraceClarke66 Joint 

Conversation recorded between First Officer Ne*1goar? and Navigator Rarg23)z! on the flight deck of the IGS Oumuamua, Star Date 5.36.58.

Ne*1goar?:  All right. (clicking on and off very important switches) Here we are again at…(consults chart) Star System Sol, for what the only literate species in the system calls their sun.

Rarg23)z!: You call those guys literate?  Have you seen their fan blogs?

?:  Be that as it may, we are now approaching their first orbital object of interest, what they call, “Pluto.”


!:  They’re still debating whether it’s a planet or an asteroid.

?:  I’d love to be there when they discover it’s actually a stray Gliesean interstellar mine. Or really, I’d rather not be within 10 parsecs of here when they do.

!:  Hahahahaha. You make the same joke every time.


?:  Hey, jokes only get better with age. So here’s Neptune, Uranus—


!:  My anus? What about your—


?:  Yeah, my jokes are tired. You make that one again and I swear, I will ring all three of your necks.


!:  Saturn, Jupiter. All planets devoid of “life as we know it,” as they like to say.


?: If only they knew Jupiter’s deep-sea methane slugs have been voted species most likely to dominate the galaxy three millennia in a row.


!:  Mars…


?:  Can’t wait until one of their subterranean mega-snakes pops out and eats that silly little Rover they’re all so proud of.


!:  And…Earth. You still following the Yankees?


?: Yup. Though I don’t know why.


!:  I have an anticipated lifespan of over 500,000 years, and even I will never understand how it is that Brian Cashman thinks every year he can put together a championship team without a bench or a bullpen.


?:  Uh, Earth to alien ball fan?  How about an all-righty lineup—in Yankee Stadium! If he only knew how many light years away THAT gets a good laugh at the bar. 


!:  And that pitching staff? I’ve seen better ones made out of used droids and faulty O-rings.


?:  All right, well, this has been a big snore. Is that little jerk Altuve ready to beam up yet?


!:  Nah. He says he’s having too much fun. Next, he’s going to slip into their big space center in Houston and change all their coordinates.


?:  That’s just like the little weasel. Hey, did you hear what they’re calling us now?


!: No, what?


?: “Oumuamua.”


!:  Wha-at?


?: We put it in their brains that it’s a native Hawaiian word, meaning, “scout.” Next time around, we’re going to have them call us, “Oo ma moochi gamma gamma goochi,” and say it’s an ancient Inuit word meaning, “Returning friend.”


!: Do you guys in the officers’ lounge ever stop?


?: Have to do something to keep the good times rolling. Hey, whattaya say, since we’re here we stop in at Venus for a shvitz and a little Venusian hana hana?


!:  You got me. Just so long as we don’t have to talk baseball anymore.


Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

Updated the IL:

Higgy + Miggy
LOCASTRO -- just added

Publius said...

Locastro torn ACL. My god. Message to agents everywhere...if Brian Cashman calls, don't answer. A league minimum salary for a couple months ain't worth the risk. Cashman's the biggest mush in baseball. Let your guy finish off in the independent league and start anew in 2022.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious, Hoss! Oo ma moochi gamma gamma goochi!

No bullpen, no bench, an all-righty lineup. And add a rotation featuring one stud + four question marks. And to top it all off, the all-righty lineup is almost entirely made up of low contact, high strikeout, high exit velo "sluggers" who only slug against middling right handed pitching.

I forget what year it was exactly, maybe it was 2014, the Detroit Tigers tried a similar thing, albeit with much better players than us. They had an all-righty lineup, except for one switch hitter, Victor Martinez. They had some great righty hitters: Miguel Cabrera (still in his prime back then), current Red Sux Yankee killer J.D. Martinez. And they had fabulous starting pitching: Porcello, Anibal Sanchez, Price, Max Scherzer, and Justin Verlander. Despite that pitching staff, they didn't even win a single game in the ALDS.

The Hammer of God

HoraceClarke66 said...

Thanks, Hammer. Yeah, the Tigers of that era annoyed the hell out of me. They didn't seem able to beat anyone in the playoffs...except our boys in pinstripes.

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