Thursday, December 22, 2011

Christmas with the Cranks

Welcome to our debate for Santa Claus of the United States. I’m your host, George Spendandshopalot, and our first question goes to Herman Cane. Sir, if elected Santa, how will you make Christmas merry?

Simple. My “nine-nine-nine” plan will replace the current twelve-tier system with one flat verse. Everyone, regardless of income, will give nine drummers drumming, nine ladies dancing, and so on - down to nine partridges and nine pair trees – for nine days. That’s “nine-nine-nine,” from yours truly, “the ranger from a stranger manger!” (Applause)

Speaker Grinch, how would you save Christmas? (Shout from crowd, "LET IT DIE!" Applause.)

Bah! (Applause.) As nominee, I will challenge Claus to 12 night-long debates, without milk or cookies, based on the model of the Michael Faraday Royal Institution Christmas Lecture series of 1825. (Applause.) But to answer your stupid question, (applause) as an historian, I will end the current illegal, single-night, global redistribution of wealth, shut down the socialist workshop at the North Pole, and send Claus to jail on repeated counts of home invasion! (Applause.)

OK. This goes to Governor Chimney. You helped create SantaCare, which guarantees free toys for every tot. But are you now for the program, or against it?

Absolutely! Under my plan, instead of toys, children will receive vouchers, allowing them to buy clothing or lumps of clean coal. But let me address an earlier question: I support Christmas. I have always supported Christmas. And unlike Santa, I will not apologize for Christmas! (Applause.) It’s the most wonderful time of the year.

Congressman Michele Blitzen, how will you win the war on Christmas?

For starters, we should take a page from China, which has no Santa. Secondly, I will trim the tree, branch by branch. (Applause.) Also, I want to address the moms in the audience: As Santa, I will not come into your house on the holiest night of the year and leave you a personalized NFL jersey or a lawn mower. (Applause.)

Governor Rick Merry, what is the true meaning of Christmas?

Hey, can we get back to that first question, to, um, whatzhisname? When I make my Christmas list, I will start at zero gifts. That’s right, nothing – naughty or nice. Nobody gets anything, unless I think of a reason. And right now, I can’t think of any. (Applause.)

Congressman Ron Pole, you’re shaking your head?

We need to get Christmas out of other holidays, now! Santa has no business in Thanksgiving. What if the Easter Bunny showed up Christmas morning with colored eggs under the tree? Wouldn’t we resent it? Also, let’s end the surveillance. We don’t need Santa seeing us when we sleep. (Applause.)

I’m sorry. We’re out of time. Apologies to candidates Santarum and Harksman, who appeared as ornaments. Happy holidays … and God help us, everyone!

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