Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Top five acquisitons targeted by Yankee brass this winter

By avoiding costly bidding wars for the likes of Yu Darvish and CJ Wilson, the crafty Yankee braintrusters have identified some grand off-season bargains.

1. Yacht: Brother Hal can finally shed his wonky, Doogy Howser-in-prep-school image by purchasing the love boat of his dreams -- a Delaware-sized, traveling superfortress, featuring disco casino, sandy beach for volleyball, IMAX porn theater and "bungle room," modeled after the mattress-floored pit where the great Wilt Chamberlain served sexytime to 1,000 ladies. Price: 1 season of Yu Darvish.

2. Private island: Once the cannibals are replaced with drunk Swedes and the ex-cast of "Lost," a remote South Pacific Gilligan's atoll can serve as the ideal sanctuary for lump brother Hank to play Lord of the Flies and smoke imported Turkish cigarettes, which make him feel grownup. Tab: 1 year of Wilson.

3. Secretariat XI: Look for the Steinbros in 2012 to take their beloved Yankee fan base to the ultimate prize: the Kentucky Derby. Tab: 1 year of Prince Fielder.

4. Tasteful pyramid: Hey, we're not talking about one of those hideous monstrocities in Egypt; they're for kid despots and Dan Brown novels. But dammot, papa George deserves more than that North Korean dwarf with the Elvis hair. A 10-story solid gold memorial could stylishly overlook the White House. It would be cheaper in Tampa, closer to the slaves. Tab: 1 Pujols, 1 Darvish, 1 Fielder.

5. Divorce: At last! Hal and Hank can escape their earthly, marital Gitmos -- and become free billionaires, able to sire supermodels, Fox News anchors and congressional aides. Yes, they'll want five year deals. But at least nobody has to return calls to Scott Boras. Tab: 1 Arod, 1 Jeet, 1 Pujols, 1 CC.

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