Seriously... what do we do with Ellsbury?

Breaking news: AARON HICKS IS ALIVE! That Fox & Friends' report that he'd gone missing on the calved Antarctica ice shelf proved inaccurate. Turns out, he swam to shore, cut open a yak, slept in its warm entrails, and became a god to a community of earnest penguins. He'll soon begin a rehab assignment to Tampa, Trenton and/or - gulp - Scranton. Before the Aug. 1 trade deadline, he could be back with the Yankees, as the team's sixth outfielder. 

Yes, six flycatchers - (counting Matt Holliday, which - okay, that's a stretch, but where else does he play? First-base? Ha.) To many cooks thicken the broth, because one always gets pushed in. Somebody's gotta go!

Of course, the person you all want gone is Aaron Judge. If we, say, packaged Judge with a few prospects, we might be able to obtain the great pitcher and humanitarian, Sonny Gray! I get shivers, just thinking about it. Sonny Gray in pinstripes! Wow! I mean, his ERA is a microscopic 3.66. That's no misprint: Three point six six. Last year, the Great Gray went 5-11 with an ERA of only 5.69! That's Koufax territory. If the Yankees had a hall of famer like Sonny, we could win the Wild Card. But let's be real: Because the Yankees are selling Judge jerseys, they probably won't deal him - not even for Gray the Gravy. So he's out.  

Hicks? Well, we can't trade the guy while he's hurt, right? If Hicks is smart, he'll report "tenderness" until after August 1. Also, Hicks was playing like an all-star before the injury, and we probably owe it to ourselves to see if he continues - or the first half was an illusion. 

Brett Gardner? He might be our best bet in a deal. But it would tear the Yankee soul to let him go. Gardy is the closest we have to a captain, and frankly, I don't want to see him go. 

Clint Frazier? This strikes terror in every Yankee fan who remembers the 1980s. If we trade him, it could be Ben Gamel-times-10. Lately, there has been a loud campaign among Yank fans, arguing that Frazier is a refreshing change. He's already a popular Yankee. If we trade him, even the team-owned media could not tamp down the seething, volcanic resentment that would be roused. If we trade Clint Frazier, I will devote my life to seeking emotional vengeance upon Hal Steinbrenner. There is no battalion of bodyguards, security beef or police presence that will keep me from ripping down the door to Steinbrenner's bedroom, and the things I will do to his soul is the stuff of 1960s comic books and bad HBO. Surely, Steinbrenner knows this. Surely, he will not trade Frazier.

Which brings us to Ellsbury, and I can already see your heads nodding. Unfortunately, the answer is not as easy as it sounds. We all want Ellsbury traded, the Yankees eating a ton of money, for a decent prospect. That won't happen. For such a trade to occur, we need a trading partner that Ellsbury would approve. Ironically, that disastrous trade that sent Gamel to Seattle last year undermined our chance to send Ellsbury to his West Coast homeland, because the Mariners don't need another fast, LH outfielder. They already got the better of the two. Why take Ellsbury?

If we waive him, we get zip. Were Ellsbury a headcase, I'd consider it. But you can talk a lot of trash about the Yankees, yet one problem they have avoided is poor clubhouse chemistry. Ellsbury has been a good teammate. To waive him - simply cut him and get nothing - that would hurt. And I ask one question: Do we want to see Boston using him as a pinch runner in the ninth inning of a key September game? Nope. We don't. 

There has to be some place in the universe, a last ditch location for Yankee retreads. And there is just such a planet. It's called "Pittsburgh." 

The Pirates are now a game below .500, 7.5 games out in the Wild Card. They're also eternally grousing about Andrew McCutchen, who is 30 and in his contract walk year. (The Pirates have a $14.7 million option for 2018; otherwise, he becomes a free agent.) The guy is hitting .292 with 17 HRs. Frankly, I don't want McCutchen in CF next year - I'd prefer to see a prospect, such as Dustin Fowler. (By the way, Jake Cave continues to rip in Scranton. Last night, he went 3-4, raising his average to .371. Good grief, the guy is knocking on .400.) Or Hicks. Or Gardy. But could there be a trade with Pittsburgh? Can we deal Holliday, who has had a "meh" season?
As a rule, I avoid suggesting trade scenarios. There is no bigger waste of humankind's communication skills than bloggers projecting baseball trades. But this is a move Cashman must finesse. We're always hearing about Cashman's genius. (Frankly, I think he writes Yankee news releases.) But now it's time to deliver: Either Ellsbury or Holliday needs to go. 

Barring injuries, we will soon have waaaaaay too many outfielders. This will either be Cashman's greatest moment, or we are about to do something disastrous. How lucky do you feel?