If this is our 2018 team - no more invasive surgery - I believe we win the AL East

Seriously. If between now and St. Patty's Day, Brian Cashman does nothing but rappel down Trumpian skyscrapers and model racy sunglasses for GQ, then - as the philosopher Ben Grimm would say - brush my teeth and call me Smiley. Because we have Giancarlo, the Judge, the Birdman, the Kraken, Sir Didi and... yes... Red Thundah! Just don't screw it up, and we will win the AL East.   

Whaddabout second base, you ask?

Shit. That's easy. Glyber Torres! If he's not ready April 1, there's Tyler Wade or Ronald Torreyes or one of the countless Pete Kozmas/Brian Roberts clones roaming Florida and Arizona. Let the rookies compete in Tampa, as Aaron Hicks and Aaron Judge did last spring in RF. But who are kidding? Unless he gets hurts, Glyber will become our 2B this year. Better sooner than later. And the worst thing would be to block him because some beloved veteran is hitting .277.

Third base, you're wondering?

Hmmm, that's tough. How about... Miguel Fucking Andujar. He hit over .300 at Scranton last year. He's our best 3B prospect since Mike Lowell (whom we converted into Ed Yarnell.) Let's not trade this one and recreate the Lowell deal. If his glove isn't ready, let Wade, Torreyes and Thairo Estrada compete. Wouldn't it be cool - from a dynastic standpoint - to field a Yankee lineup with two ascending rookies? And if everything flops, hell, we'll sign somebody on March 30th. The Toms River Miracle might still be available.  

Starting rotation?

Wait a minute. Am I getting this right? According to the Internet, we're currently stressing over who will be... the sixth man. Six. As in "six-man rotation." Well, there's Chad Green, Adam Warren, Chance Adams and the cast of Glee - all competing for - gulp - sixth man, in a plan that could get scrapped anyway. Also, with rain-outs, the Yankees often use a four-man rotation through April. We wouldn't need six starting pitchers until May... if we ever go there. We needed a six-man rotation back in the days when we were going to add the Japanese Babe Ruth. Now, it's the Angels who need six starters. Why are we have all this debate over trading for a sixth man? 

What if Boston loads up?

Of course, they will! That's what they do. But having re-signed Mitch Moreland to play 1B, they're sort of stuck with the evil Hanley Ramirez as DH. They're desperately shopping Jackie Yastremski Jr., and they're assuring their psychiatrists that Babe Benintendi and Mookie Betts are the second coming of Lynn-Rice. But their farm system is sputtering. They don't have a supplemental wave of rookies coming. We do... if we don't trade them for a sixth starter.

Aren't there tweaks to be made?

Yeah, of course. Tweak away, Cash! And if Cooperstown can acquire somebody on our terms - that is, a veteran infielder or innings-eating pitcher - I'm fine with that. But if other GMs want to play hardball - (which seems the case over Cole) - fukkim. Cash should put on his elf costume and find a five-story K-Mart to dangle from. Let's not talk ourselves into a rotten deal. This team, left untouched, wins the AL East.

What about Red Thunder? Where does he fit in?

Fifth outfielder and DH. And he fits in next year, when he hits 40 homers. He fits in with a larger-than-life persona, who'll strike out a lot but bring excitement to every at bat. I want Red Thunder. You want Red Thunder. Everybody wants Red Thunder. GIVE US OUR RED THUNDER.