Sunday, July 28, 2019

BREAKING: A NATIONAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION HAS BEEN DECLARED FOR TONIGHT

URGENT - YANKEE MESSAGE
National Juju Service Syracuse NY
409 AM EDT Sun Jul 28 2019

CAZ179>189-281915-
/O.CON.KHNX.EH.W.0002.190728T2000Z-190729T0300Z/
/O.CON.KHNX.HT.Y.0005.190729T2000Z-190730T0300Z/
Including the counties of Bronx, Queens, Albany, Broome, Onondaga, Chenango,
the cities of New York, Boston, New York, Providence, Hartford,
Elmira, Yonkers, Massena, Salem, Worcester, Cambridge, Utica, Goshen,
Jersey City, Lowville, and Bakersfield, CA.
409 AM EDT Sun Jul 28 2019

...THE NATIONAL YANKEE JUJU SERVICE HAS DECLARED
A NATIONAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION ADVISORY,
BEGINNING AT 7:09 PM EDT THIS EVENING UNTIL 8 PM EDT MONDAY...

* OPPONENT BATTING AVERAGES of up to .450 are forecast for Sunday, 
with possible Yankee ERAs soaring above 9.00.

* THIS MAY BE ACCOMPANIED BY HEAVY WINDS, HALE (David), AND RUN TOTALS
that break existing records. 


* IMPACTS...The runs and extreme immensity of these nine-inning beatings 
may cause stress, especially during extended exposure.

PREPAREDNESS ACTIONS...

The EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION requires all fans to take extra
precautions during prolonged Yankee exposure. When the game begins, fans
should avoid outside locations and/or reschedule strenuous activities 
to early morning, but plan to hover in front of their television, radio or 
juju porthole/ listening device. 


Wear light weight or loose-fitting clothing when possible and
drink plenty of fluids. Channel all existing bile into the 
television screen or radio wavelength indicator, and dispatch juju 
waves accordingly to the team on the field.


This event will begin in the TOP OF THE SECOND INNING 
OF TONIGHT'S GAME, at approximately 7:32 p.m. EDT. 

At said moment, Yankee juju operatives across the nation will 
direct all personal and public juju waves toward the Yankees.


THIS IS NOT A TEST. THIS IS NOT AN OPTION.


THIS IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN ANYTHING YOU HAVE EVER DONE 
IN YOUR SAD, MEASLY LIFE, THUS FAR.


SO DO NOT BLOW IT.


To reduce risk during juju event, the Occupational Safety and
Health Administration recommends scheduling frequent rest breaks
in shaded or air conditioned environments. If a Yankee meltdown 
becomes imminent, call the Yankee Hotline (9-1-1) and ask for
"Food Stamps." 

A National Emergency Juju Intervention means that a 
prolonged period of dangerously hot Redsocks has already occurred. 
The combination of powerful hitters and terrible Yankee pitching 
may combine to create a CATASTROPHIC DANGEROUS SITUATION 
in which Yankee fan disgust and disillusionment is likely. 

Repeat: Drink plenty of fluids, stay indoors, avoid
public exchanges with Boston fans, and check on aging relatives, 
who may be unaware of the impending sweep.

Young children and pets should never be left unattended in 
front of the televised game. This is especially true 
during the bottom of each inning, when Redsock scoring 
can reach lethal totals in a matter of minutes.

STAY ALERT. A NATIONAL EMERGENCY JUJU INTERVENTION means that
Yankee fans everywhere will be channeling their entire psyche
toward Boston, MA, in an attempt to salvage one game from
a four-game series. Yes, this may appear to be pathetic and 
after-the-fact, but - repeating - THIS IS NOT A TEST.

Stay tuned to this site for more instructions. 

24 comments:

Ken of Brooklyn said...

I am throwing 1000000000000000000% of my energy into this tonight, I am ready, ready, REAaaaAADY!

IIHIIFIIC FOREVER!

Long Live The Master!

Fuck You Hal!

JM said...

Oh, shit. Don't tell me this game is on ESPN.

Well, better than Fox. But still.

Buhner's Ghost said...

I am waiting for those three awful sounds that come at the end of the announcement.

ranger_lp said...


@el duque...LOL. I'm starting to board up my windows and starting to lineup liquor bottles in descending ABV order.

Scottish Yankee fan said...

Scottish branch reporting for duty

Get right intae them

Urban Farmer formerly known as DutchFan said...

Do feel left out but probably a case of America first or something.

13bit said...

I'm going into prepper mode...

Anonymous said...

I will be eating the following during the game...

https://www.oldtimecandy.com/products/jujubes-theater-box

Doug K.

Alphonso said...

Wait a dang minute.......the games have been over by the end of inning one, and you don't commence this intervention until the top of the second?

Who is your forward observer?

Who is your math guy?

Start the IV now, I say. start it now!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

" JM said...

Oh, shit. Don't tell me this game is on ESPN.

Well, better than Fox. But still."

Feel fortunate that you aren't forced to tune into NESN for most of these games. I would even take Jessica Mendoza over Jerry Remy (and in a death match bet also).

At least I can mute and listen to the Master. Syncing is a royal pain though. Hopefully I get it done by Juju time.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Doug K.,

I think I need an insulin shot after viewing that page.

13bit said...

CC on the IL. WTF? UH OH...

Ceeja said...

Put the other four starter on the IL too. I'd rather take my chances with the bullpen and a few aging knuckleballers. If only Bouton were still around

Anonymous said...




I agree with Ceeja. CC to the IL is proof that the intervention, even in it's nascent form, is working. He will miss a couple of starts.

We need Hal to include Happ or Paxton in whatever trade he is making. I would prefer Happ to go because I still think Paxton (despite his face) can be redeemed.

Also Rothchild took some blame for the first time today. This is good. Because that guy has GOT TO GO!

Oh, and Rufus... this should finish you off. :)

https://www.oldtimecandy.com/collections/walk-the-candy-aisle-jujubes/products/jujubes-theater-case

Doug K.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

CC on the EL smells like his yearly tune-up/rest. Kinda like checking grandma into the hospital periodically to get her medicare to pay for the nursing home for another 3 months. Could also be a roster move in anticipation of that replacement retread starter.

NJ.com has Yankees pursuing Bauer. Better than a lot of the other names being floated, but aren't they in the race for the division? I guess another click-bait article.

Doug K., Those prices per box seem to be about the same as when I paid 50 cents for a movie (think Chitty-chitty-bang-bang, and not the porn version). Except the amount in the box then would be more than all 12 today.

I guess we're paying for that HFCS.

ranger_lp said...

@Ceeja...Weren't we undefeated in "opener" games? Maybe that's the direction we should go...

Anonymous said...

CC on the IL? Thank God.

Anonymous said...

Forget the juju intervention. The Yankees are suffering the karmic curse of Red Thunder. They're finished because of Cashman's abuse of Clint Frazier. The season is over. Deal with it.

Mustang said...

Great post, Duque!

Ceeja said...

So 7 straight times against three different teams their starter gets rocked. You're going to need the bullpen to get all the outs anyway. How about we do something different and not spot the other team a big lead. Why not tell the starters to spend the whole game in the clubhouse eating pizza and drinking beer. It's what they're good at

Ken of Brooklyn said...

And yes, I agree with Mustang, aesthetics & prose wise this is a truly PHENOMENAL post, you've out done yourself once again El Duque!

Carl J. Weitz said...

God I hate jujyfruit/jujubees.

Remy is a joke and his three kids have been in jail for violent acts. Including 2 girls! Eckersley gave some good insight when he first started on NESN but now all three a jokesters along the lines of a Morning Zoo.

Mike Fan Cessa said...

This, like everything else, is just a dream. Like some of my dreams there's bits of great truth in it interspersed among the giant spiders and the cute girls I'm sometimes afraid to look at. I'm in no position to sort what's what, so I'll just call it a dream...which is not to say I won't consider it and act upon its dictates if they feel right. Which they do.

I'd say BRAVO! to Duque if any of this ever happened. Luckily, it didn't or hasn't or can't.

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