Tuesday, July 2, 2019

With no tomato cans in sight, July looms as a long, hard slog.

Historians will note that the legendary 2019 Yankees - the storm-born breakers of wheels, defenders of the realm and fathers of flagons - somehow pissed away their opening series to the adorable dumpster fire known as Baltimore. If not for an unrelenting conga line of tomato cans - Tigers, Royals, Giants, White Sox, Angels - injected into the buttocks of the team's April schedule, who knows how we would have survived the opening wave of gonadal tweaks, a veritable terrorist attack by the juju gods.

But now, July looms as the balancing act. 

It starts tonight with the Mets. While they certainly qualify as 18-ounce cans of Del Monte's Petite & Peeled, the Subway Series is never easy. The stresses far outweigh those of regular games, with player-defining moments always unfolding.  

Then comes the following:

Four in Tampa. (Make or break time for Rays.)
The All-Star break.
Three at home against Toronto. (Hateful team with emerging talent and Marcus Stroman on display.)
Four at home v. Rays. (Last gasp for Tampa?)
Three at home against Rockies. (Second in NL West)
Three in Minnesota. (Runaway kings of AL Central.)
Four at Fenway.
Three at home against Arizona (.500.) 

In short, the weakest team we'll face should be the Mets, who will be crashing into viaducts, trying to reclaim their miserable lost season. Eight games against Tampa, and four at Fenway. The Yankees caught a break when the London trip was classified as two Boston home games. But the gauntlet remains, yet to be run. 

This we know: The Yankees will hit a dry spell. They always do. Boston will make a run. They always do. Our 10-game cushion has put a twitch onto the smug face of every Redsock fan, staring into the cold reality that this is not their year. But the season is only half over. July will not only bring tough teams, but it leads to the trade deadline, where Brian Cashman will seek another "power arm," the empty Holy Grail search that has haunted his career.

In the modern era of horror movies, we've grown accustomed to the fake ending, where Freddy or Jason, or whomever, has seemingly been vanquished, and the credits look imminent. Then he suddenly re-appears for one last throat-slashing burst of red. The London sweep may have been our false-ending. The monster is not dead. We have 80 games left, and - for now anyway - no petite & peeled in sight.

14 comments:

Rufus T. Firefly said...

In honor of the spirit of Freddie and Jason, I'll scream at the teen-age babysitter on screen (Played by our own Ca$hmoney):

"Don't open the cellar door! It's not Cy Young down there -- It's Kevin Brown!"

Local Bargain Jerk said...

In the sequel to that movie, you would scream, "Don't open the cellar door! It's not Cy Young down there -- It's Javier Vazquez!"

And, then, in the sequel to THAT movie, you would scream, "Don't open the cellar door! It's not Cy Young down there -- It's Javier Vazquez. he's risen from the dead to haunt us again!"

Oh, the humanity.

Anonymous said...

The last two paragraph’s of this column so incredibly summarize the thoughts of a Yankees fan, post-2004. And LBJ your comment was a perfect addition. Duque and Alphonso are the only reasons I continue to patron this literary sports bar of drunkards!

Anonymous said...

I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™
I just got off of my shift at The Pizza Pit. Mommy had a sandwich waiting for me in my basement apartment and I ate it. Then I picked my zits and changed out of my cool orange and red uniform. After I attempted to sooth my onanism, I decided the world should know of the depth of my baseball knowledge. I insult everyone, but claim I’m the one being picked on. I’m Stat Boy!®™, and the world should pay for me being such a loser!
I’m Stat Boy!®™

TheWinWarblist said...

Literary sports bar of drunkards!? That could be me new masthead!

TheWinWarblist said...

Literary sports bar of drunkards!? That should be the new masthead!

ranger_lp said...

We got "The Martian"

https://www.espn.com/mlb/story/_/id/27102677/yanks-ink-top-prospect-martian

Hicks' days are numbered.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

John Sterling's days are numbered :'(

https://nypost.com/2019/07/02/john-sterlings-amazing-yankees-streak-ending-on-thursday/

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Beau,

The end of an era. Or an epoch. Or both.

What happened at his daughters' graduation? I remember reading he may miss a game because of that, but didn't hear anything more.

LBJ,

Vazquez isn't still pitching is he? I fear Ca$h may pick him up to validate his last two times 'opening the cellar door'. I bet he'd come cheap.

HoraceClarke66 said...

ranger, love the Martian hype. And it's good he's only 16, because that way, by the time he's ready, Estevan Florial will be ready to move over from center despite the great career he's had there.

Loved some commentator, especially, assuring us that The Martian is not just another Jackson Melian.

Jackson Melian at least made it up to Triple-A, where in 11 games for us in the accursed year of 2004, he hit .300. Not a sample size worth mentioning, I know, and soon he was sliding back down.

Before that, we had traded him once, as part of the deal to get Denny Neagle, who at least helped us make it through the 2000 season, and on to a championship.

If The Martian gets that far, he will be doing better than at least 90 percent of those who play pro ball.

Don't mean this as a knock. I hope he's the next Joe DiMaggio for us. But the unending silliness of thinking you can truly tell which 16-year-olds are going to make it!

TheWinWarblist said...

Sing it Hoss.


Fuck you Hal.

JM said...

I can't feel any doom and gloom about this team. They've exceeded every expectation so far, and there's nothing that shows that's about to end.

When we have another cold streak week, my hair will probably be on fire, but as a Libra, I have to go around balancing things out. So if everybody thinks we're doomed, I am compelled to say, "Well...maybe not." Even when it comes to the rotation. Paxton doesn't suck. Tanaka, aging warrior that he is, has a knack for postseason heroics. CC wants to go out in style. German is a great opener. Green is back on track. Hale is a nice surprise. No Sevvy, no headcase Betances, but that's fine with me. Sevvy's first half last year was the Kevin Maas performance of pitching. I don't think he'll ever do that again. Would love to be wrong, but just have this feeling. Happ has been sad this year after his great time with us last year, but there's no telling how good he might be down the stretch. It's not like he's put a lot of miles on his arm so far.

I'd feel better if we had Bob Gibson, Koufax, and similar guys in the rotation. But I'm starting to wonder if that's really necessary. We just might be the first team to win a Series with a real patchwork quilt on the mound.

Ya never know.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Or, you gotta believe!

You have the right attitude, JM.

Though as for Sevvy, I think he had the possibility to be much, much more. Don't forget, he had a terrific 2017, too.

Arm injuries happen, especially to young pitchers, no matter what you do to protect them. But I will never forgive the Yanks' staff for lying to us about his pitch-tipping, when they must have known that something much worse was wrong.

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