Monday, March 1, 2021

Gammonized by the Gammonites

So, I’m watching the game yesterday reveling in the joy and comfort that only baseball brings when I noticed a disturbing phenomenon. My internal monologue, normally limited to ponderings such as, “Will the weight of Aaron Judge’s new tooth throw off his delicate balance in the batter’s box?”, “Is Luke Voit continuing to shrink?” and, “How much does Aaron Boone hate talking to Michael Kay?" started to shift.

When Gleyber let a ball get by him that most shortstops gobble up easily my rational mind said, “It’s the first Spring Training game. Not only meaningless but he’s not in game shape yet which is totally understandable.”  

Ah, but much like the devil/angel on my shoulder schtick so prevalent in film and TV, a little Peter Gammons appeared on my shoulder and said, “He doesn’t have the range. He’s really a second baseman. This poor play at shortstop will effect his at bats.” That Gleyber got a hit in his next AB didn’t matter. 

It happened on the first play of the game as well. Aaron Judge let a ball drop in front of him instead of diving full out to get it.  “Smart. He’s fragile. Afraid to dive. It’s only a matter of time.", sez me, “The yoga will save him!" spoke the little shriveled up old man on my shoulder as he gummed some Cracker Jacks. 

The third time it happened Sanchez had gone down swinging on three straight fastballs.

I started to feel genuine unease. Not because the pitcher showed Sanchez no respect because he knew he couldn’t catch up to it. Not because he looked like a 38-year-old DH trying to find a walnut. Not because I worried about what was going to happen when they mix in a curve, and that the Yankees have made a huge mistake trusting this guy.

I felt unease because I heard the voice say, “First at bat, timing not down, pitchers ahead of the hitters, 3rd in baseball in exit velocity…” 

And I thought, “Yeah, it’s early. He’s in the best shape of his life. He’s been working with the Yankee hitting coaches all winter to adjust his swing. Exit velocity IS an important statistic…”

And with increasing horror, bringing in Aroldis Chapman in the 9th inning of an elimination playoff game level horror, I realized I’d been Gammonized by the Gammonites.     

 


16 comments:

DickAllen1964 said...



Doug, that was great.

Here's what you just reminded me about...

I been Norman Mailered, Maxwell Taylored
I been John O'Hara'd, McNamara'd
I been Rolling Stoned and Beatled 'til I'm blind
I been Ayn Randed, nearly branded
A Communist, 'cause I'm left-handed
That's the hand I use, well, never mind

I been Phil Spectored, resurrected
I been Lou Adlered, Barry Sadlered
Well, I paid all the dues I want to pay
And I learned the truth from Lenny Bruce
And of all my wealth won't buy me health
So I smoke a pint of tea a day

I knew a man his brain so small
He couldn't think of nothin' at all
He's not the same as you and me
He doesn't dig poetry, he's so unhip that
When you say Dylan, he thinks you're talkin' about Dylan Thomas
Whoever he is
The man ain't got no culture
But its alright, Ma, everybody must get stoned

I been Mick Jaggered, silver daggered
Andy Warhol, won't you please come home?
I been mothered, fathered, aunt and uncled
Been Roy Haleed and Art Garfunkeled
I just discovered somebody's tapped my phone

Folk rock

I lost my harmonica, Albert

DickAllen1964 said...


Philippic is what we do best.

ranger_lp said...

Exit velocity IS an important statistic…

And so are strikeouts. Swinging and called. Plenty created by ICS.

Anonymous said...

Dick,

Wow! That was awesome. All that's missing is the phrase "All we are saying... is give peace a chance."

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

Dick,

I liked it so much I re-read it and wanted to tell you again how good it was.

Doug K.

ranger_lp said...

ICS hit a tape measure HR in the 3rd inning today...Sportscenter worthy...

el duque said...

That poem is brilliant, Mr. Allen.

ranger_lp said...

Chris Gittens with a tape measure HR over the scoreboard. Someone to keep eyes on...

DickAllen1964 said...




That poem, as many of you already know, does not belong to me.

It is a song by Paul Simon called "A Simple Desultory Philippic" from his Simon & Garfunkel days.

A remainder of my younger, teenage years.

Alas, like so many other good things, gone. But now that I think about it, I would not go back to being a teenager for all the ________________.

Anonymous said...

Ohhhhhh, then count me among the musical illetertai. Still great. Besides, given that we all use nom de plumes maybe you are Paul Simon.


Doug K.

DickAllen1964 said...


Well, Doug, one thing is certain: I am definitely not Dick Allen.

DickAllen1964 said...


Does Chris Gittens look like he could be walking the parrot?

13bit said...

I would never ever ever ever root for the Yankees to blow a season, not even a strategic, Boston-style tank in order to rebuild. IF they were to lose, big-time, though, and that meant the elimination of Boonie and Cashman, I might not weep...

I know it won't happen.

Ugh.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Still, a great quote, Dick! And a terrific post, Doug.

Apparently, Paul Simon is a Yankees fan. He wanted to put Mickey Mantle in "Mrs. Robinson," but the syllables didn't fit—true story! DiMag was more his father's hero, which makes sense.

13bit said...

Where have you gone, Carl Pava a no...
A nation turns its gluteus to you
Woo woo woo...lick the poo...
What's that you say, Mister Ellsbury?
You're on the bench and
getting a massage...
blah blah blah...blah blah blah

Time to go back to third grade class. later.

DickAllen1964 said...

Wish I had said that Bit.