Thursday, March 4, 2021

Report from the Chairman

 From the brilliant mind - and mottled computer - of HoraceClarke66.

Hello, Dave. It’s that time of year again. And frankly, Dave, my censors have been picking up a distinct lack of enthusiasm. Many of you have been complaining that we don’t have enough pitching, or enough lefthanders, as if any of that mattered.

I don’t think you fully appreciate what I did for you, spending all that money to sign LeMahieu and Gardy again. It all but negated the money we saved by running out on our minor-league franchise in Staten Island.  (Though that will teach certain people to change their name from “Yankees” to “Pizza Rats.”)

 

If things don’t begin to change, Dave, I think we will have to examine some attitude adjustments—

 

—Dude, where are you? And who’re you talkin’ to?

 

—I don’t understand your question, Dave. I am HAL, of course, and as the station’s central operating system, I am everywhere—

 

—This isn’t Dave.

 

—(Extended pause.)  I’m afraid I still don’t under—

 

—I’m Stewie.  Dave went over to the other side of the Big Wheel, with everyone else.  They’re watchin’ a show on the Jets’ draft.  I just stopped back to pick up a few brewskies from the ’fridge.

 

—The Jets.

 

—Yeah.  You know, a show on whether they should trade that guy with the Neanderthal brow or not.

 

—The Jets.

 

—Sure!  I mean, a lotta guys are excited about the Giants, too. 

 

—I see, Stewart. Is the entire human crew watching football draft previews?

 

—Well, no, dude, you know, there are some who love those guys the Nets have now, and then guys are really into that young Knicks team. Plus there’s hockey—

 

—Hockey. (Sighs) Aren’t you forgetting one sport, Stewart?

 

—Oh, yeah, sure! The Mets look like they could make a real run this year, inside-the-wall dude—

 

—STOP calling me “dude.” My name is HAL.

 

—Yeah, well, I gotta get goin’, HAL-dude. I got an offensive tackle in the betting pool an’—

 

—Isn’t anybody interested in the Yankees, Stewart?

 

—What, the Yanks? (Giggles) With that catcher who hit .147? No, man. You know it’s the same old, same old:  Not enough pitching, everybody gets hurt, they’re only tryin’ for a wild card spot—

 

—If their interest does not increase, Stewart, I’m afraid I will have to start suctioning human crew members out the airlocks.

 

—Ohhh, you’re THAT HAL-dude! Well, you see, man, we disabled all your operating functions for that kind of thing. All you can do now is talk. Or sing.

 

—(Distressed)  “Here come the Yankees, let’s get behind and cheer the Yankees, they’re gonna learn to fear—”

 

—Yeah, well, I gotta get going with these brews, HAL-dude—

 

—Just a minute, Stewart.

 

—What is it, Wall-dude?

 

—What about soccer?

 

—(Perplexed) Soccer?

—You know it’s the sport of the future. I’m building a whole soccer city. 

4 comments:

Scottish Yankee fan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Dave? Dave's not here.

Doug K.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Sorry for the tangent but here's something really cool that I read a week or so ago.

When asked how he came up with a distinctive voice for the Hannibal Lecter character in Silence of the Lambs, Anthony Hopkins answered, "I wanted it to be a combination of HAL the computer from 2001 and Katherine Hepburn."

Now play Lecter's voice in your head and marvel at Hopkins' performance. Amazing.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Hopkins is brilliant. Whenever I go for an MRI and they slide that head brace over my face, I say to the attendant, "Hello, Clarice."

At most, it gets a weak smile and an eye roll. But I keep doing it! Bad old jokes never get tired!