Monday, March 8, 2021

Meaning amid the meaninglessness: 2021 is all about Gleyber

Quickly now, a test of your mental state. Close your eyes, and imagine two alternative Yankiverses:

Earth Hope. Gleyber Torres plays a solid SS. As his confidence builds, his offense heats up. He his .290 with 30 HRs, bats third, leads the Yanks in MVP balloting, and mutes all NYC radio blather about the greatness of Francisco Lindor.

In their renewed fight against homeritus, the Yankees achieve herd immunity by June. Our sluggers have big years. We take the AL East, winning a Grammy nomination for Hal Steinbrenner.  Global warming is staunched, Elon Musk opens a Starbucks on Mars, and through the miracle of cloning, Skynyrd 

Earth Dogshit.  Gleyber Torres can't cut it at SS. As his fielding woes grow, his hitting collapses. He becomes an offensive sinkhole. Hoping to salvage him, the Yanks move Gleyber to 2B, shifting DJ LeMahieu to 3B and trying Gio Urshela, Tyler Wade and Thairo Estrada at SS. After nothing works, they resort to an electrically reanimated Troy Tulowitzki. 

Falling behind Toronto and Tampa, our sluggers valiantly swing harder. Strikeouts increase. An iceberg floats down from the North Pole, and penguins overrun the NYC subways. Franciso Lindor wins the Grammy for "Spoken History," Andrew Cuomo dies in a nursing home after hitting on staff, and Hanson reunites.

Clearly, the future of humankind - or our mental states - revolves around the grand experiment of Gleyber Torres playing SS. He is an all-star 2B. But so is LeMahieu. For the Yanks to win, Gleyber must succeed at the position of Derek Jeter. Everything else is a lineup designed by Rube Goldberg. 

So, where are we? 

Well, as Larry David would say, pretty pretty pretty good.

Thus far, Yankee stats show no Gleyber errors - (Mike Tauchman has four, FOUR, WTF?) (NOTE: THIS IS DISPUTED; IT SEEMS HE HAS TWO ERRORS.) - seemingly justifying the early reports from Tampa, which pronounced him in great shape. (These dispatches always skew towards hope; nobody believes them.)  

But today, let us celebrate the most important news from Tampa:

Gleyber is hitting and fielding. Right now, we occupy Earth Hope. Let's enjoy it, while it lasts.


Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...

I actually gave credence to your words of wisdom -- until I consulted the data provided, and saw that Lenny Bruce is 4-for-8.

If a dead guy can hit .500 in spring training, anything can happen.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Well said, Duque! And hey, what was that name three slots under The Gleyber's? "Giancarlo" something. Hmm, it rings a bell. Giancarlo, Giancarlo...who was that again?

Anonymous said...

Um, Duque, penguins only live in Antarctica (South Pole), not the North Pole. (Sorry, I don't mean to be a hardass!)

The Hammer of God

Anonymous said...

Gooooooooood Morrrrrning Earth Hope!

As always, a thought or three...

1) Hanson Reuniting

I thought they were brothers.

Seriously, how funny is that? Probably a top ten funny sports movie clip.

Ooooooh! Let's do that. I'm accepting nominations and I'll do a post.

2) Gleyber and the Fate of The Universe

El Duque is right per usual. The Yankee infield is a house of cards, a stack of Jenga blocks, Fibber McGee's closet, a game of Operation (the goofy game for dopey doctors) hooked up to a Sears Diehard Battery. One wrong move, one tweak, one easily stoppable ground ball to his left side that goes through and we find ourselves in Earth Dogshit.

3) Homeritus 4

No that's not the name of a movie. They're still working on Homeritus 3 "Swinging in the Rain." Staring Vince Vaughn, Heather Graham, Jon Favreau, Debbie Reynolds, Gene Kelley, Gene Michael, Michael J. Fox, and Rex the Wonder Dog... but first...

Anyway, I'm referring to the number of runs scored by the Yankees yesterday via the Home Run. It's hard to be critical of a grand slam. So I won't be. It's just that again ALL the Yankee runs came via the long ball. At least they loaded the bases with opposite field hits. But it's just weird.

Doug K.

Alphonso said...

Just a freaking minute !!

It is impossible for Tauchman to have 4 errors already. Most outfielders don't make four errors in a full season.

He has only played a few innings in spring training shortened games.

Int has to be a typo.

RtotheE said...

Except I'd prefer Hansen to or anyone to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Yuck!

Anonymous said...

Tauchman has TWO errors..why the misinformation?

el duque said...

The Baseball Reference site - normally the best on the web - has him with 4 errors. Hard to believe. My guess is that it's wrong... but two is still bad, especially for a guy on the bubble.

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