Tuesday, June 15, 2021

The baseball world is gorging itself on Loser Yankees Porn

Rule 34: If something exists, it will eventually foment porn.

The last few Yankee defeats have been performance art... brilliant, in their cringeworthy perfection.

Our vaunted closer blows a two-run lead. 

We rally in the ninth, lose in the tenth. 

In a 7-0 blowout, our baserunner gets thrown out at third. 

People, this is masterful. Larry David couldn't write a more painful script. Think of Hal and Cashman as characters in a Monty Python skit. Or on The Simpsons. 

The '21 Yankees are - as Jake Tapper once called a Presidential debate - "a hot mess in a dumpster fire in a train wreck," perfectly choreographed slapstick of fielding errors, missed scoring opportunities and strikeouts - oh, my god - strikeouts so vivid, so perfectly - called third strikes, right down the middle, or a pitch the umpire flatly misses - and - WAIT... did I mention that our ace has become the target in a cheating scandal?

Loser Yankees Porn. 

The world can't get enough. Redsock fans call me up. "Hey, wanna come over to watch tonight's game?" They're taping games, replaying them again and again... pleasuring themselves to the point of exhaustion. Tacked onto their man cave walls are photographs of Gary Sanchez and Rougned Odor. I don't want to tell you their screen-saver imagines.  

Lately, Gammonites are taking turns condemning this team, as if they had no hand in the massive self-deceptions of last winter - when they claimed the Yankees' powerhouse lineup would roll the AL East. Sadly, many of us were caught up in this subterfuge. But if all you hear is Yankee hype, your sensibilities become deranged. 

So now, the writers seek to make amends, to salvage their place in history.

Mike Francesca calls Tampa the gold standard. Joel Sherman sees no reason to believe in this team. This week's series against the Blue Jays is being called "make or break," a doomsday sign.

Our farm system this summer has produced three players: Deivi Garcia, Nick Nelson and Chris Gittens... a disappointment Tri-Fecta. 

Our injury list remains full. Have we ever seen a full season of Aaron Hicks, Luis Severino, Giancarlo Stanton, Luke Voit or Cory Kluber? No. Will we ever? Probably not. And once Aaron Judge goes down - yes, we're all waiting for it - it's a long drop to Socrates Brito. 

There is no point in listing this team's failings. Anything that could fall apart... well, it has fallen apart. We are so confined by bloated contracts and bad deals that we have no recourse but to keep digging into the hole we created. At this stage, do we have another game plan than Clint Frazier? Do we have a better option than Jameson Tailon? And do we dare look at the four prospects we gave up to get him? (Note: Miguel Yajure has a 3.86 ERA over two starts with Pittsburgh. He's 23. He alone makes it a good deal for the Pirates.) 

If the phone rings, and it's a Redsock fan, don't answer. Better yet, throw away the phone. It's that bad.


Anonymous said...

Re: Yankee porn

I don't know about loser porn but I've always enjoyed these Yankee themes classic

Bride of the Yankees.

Bang The Thumb Slowly



The Babe Ruth Story.

and yes I know that the team in Bang the Drum Slowly was actually the Yankees but C'mon! Plus you know it was your favorite one.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

The Babe/Ruth Story

Sorry, I just woke up. Although I'm sure a remake of the actual Babe Ruth Story would have its moments.

Doug K.

Alibi Ike said...

"Beating off to the Yankees is like beating off to the Mona Lisa." -- George Steinbrenner

Ken of Brooklyn said...

I never thought I'd be nostalgic for the Season of the Pineapple, Urrgggggg!

Anonymous said...

Duque, please: there must be a limit. Kindly do not desecrate the blessed name of Monty Python. I think both teams in this classic game would easily blast Yankees ’21:


DickAllen said...

The only real drawback to this blog is that you can't get a drink here. If what has happened so far this season continues, I might just stay drunk until Christmas. And then there will be 2022 to look forward to.


JM said...

If we play our cards right, we could break .500 this week. To the downside, sure, but you take what you can get.

Besides, Boone says we're ok, we just need to get the offense going. And the pitching. And the defense. And the baserunning. But once that happens, look out, baby!

We're nine games out now, but...BUT...only eight games in the all-important loss column.

I'm too uncaring to look, but have we matched the 5-15 season open yet? Bookending the best record in baseball for the games in between.

How does that work? I'm lost.

HoraceClarke66 said...

A classic Python. I recall there was a match, too, that involved a team of "professional Long John Silver imitators."

HoraceClarke66 said...

And a shout-out to Scotland, following up on Alphonso.

Yes, very sorry to see that. They showed that long goal on ESPN over here, as the play of the day. Ouch! This is a very tough year. At least you don't have the Knicks.

ranger_lp said...

Here is some good news...

In cooperation with New York State, the City of New York and Major League Baseball, the New York Yankees have received approval to resume normal Yankee Stadium seating capacity beginning with the Game scheduled for Friday, June 18.

Individual game tickets for all games through July 4 are on sale now. On-sale dates and details for individual game tickets to remaining 2021 regular season home games will be announced at a later date. Continue to check yankees.com for more information.

Proof of a negative COVID-19 test or full COVID-19 vaccination is no longer required in order to attend games at Yankee Stadium.

ranger_lp said...

Oh and as for Python...nothing like the Queen Victoria Handicap...

Anonymous said...

Gardner starting in centerfield again, against a LEFTY. Gardner has batted BELOW .200 against lefties since forever--check out his splits. PLUS, he has one of the worst arms in baseball. He's done. Yet Cashman-Boone keep putting him in the lineup like it's 2013. This is delusional, magical thinking, an obsession with "names" rather than a reckoning with real-world performance. Clearly they should release Gardner--he's useless--and bring up Florial. Florial may not hit much better--he can't hit any worse--but he''d be better on defense at a critical up the middle position, and at least he has a potential upside. Gardner at this point has only a downside. Same with Odor, who was released by one of the worst teams in baseball, a team that is essentially paying him millions of dollars NOT to play for them--he has had a MINUS WAR for three of the past four seasons. He is now a sub-.200 hitter. But there he is as the Yankees' starting second baseman most of the time (against righties), BATTING THIRD last time I looked. This too is staggering stupidity and more magical thinking--as though donning pinstripes will have the transformative power of Popeye downing a can of spinach. THERE ARE NO ANALYTICS INVOLVED HERE--PLEASE DISABUSE YOURSELF OF THE NOTION THAT CASHMAN OVER-RELIES ON ANALYTICS. Cashman does not even rely on elementary arithmetic. He's an imbecile, in way over his head.

Anonymous said...

The point is this: it's no mystery why the Yankees suck. If you have a management team that regularly fields some of the worst players in baseball . . . what do you expect?

steve said...

Garcia = Little Pedro. You'll see.

Ceeja said...

Everything I really know about baseball I learned from reading Jim Bouton.

Bouton writes about the early reaction to the woeful 1966 team. Houk went down through the order, which was great on paper, assuring the writers that each of them would start to hit. They never did.

Finally Bouton got into all sorts of trouble by saying: "Maybe we just stink." The papers ran the headline: "Bouton: Yanks stink!"

Well old asseyes was right in saying the emperor has no clothes. A team that plays the fundamentals this poorly just stinks

Carl J. Weitz said...

Dick Allen, Horace...check my replies to yesterday's post regarding bets. :)

Joe of AZ said...

This actually made me laugh lmfao

Kevin said...

This team has the worst fundamentals of any Yankee team that I can remember going back to pre-1974. I read that Cashman believes that they are trying too hard. That excuse shows that: 1. The players don't believe in themselves, particularly in the "next guy". 2. They simply lack the ability to concentrate, lots of NICE girls after the game, perhaps. 3. Their coaching and above have been abysmal in their jobs. 4. All of the above.

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