Thursday, May 21, 2015

Hal Steinbrenner to fans: Don't worry. Come June, we'll once again trade our future for a bunch of over-the-hill salary dumps

Yesterday, as the Yankees continued their new tradition - "the Memorial Day Collapse" - boy-owner Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner took to his media soapbox to assure fans that the franchise has learned absolutely nothing from the last two years, and that it will continue the July trade deadline practice of larding up with useless contracts in pursuit of a respectable mediocrity.

Steinbrenner said last summer's acquisitions of Stephen Drew, Chase Headley, Chris Capuano, Brendan McCarthy and Martin Prado were so successful - the team nearly won the away-field berth in the new, single-game Wild Card - that he can't wait to do it again. Hal told the NY Post:

“I’m not afraid to spend money. I never am. You know that. So when July rolls around, the trade deadline rolls around, we’re going to see where we’re really deficient and we’ll do what we can.”

Music to our ears, eh?

Cheer up, campers. Instead of whining about the team losing seven out of its last eight, let's start imagining the incoming Salary Dump Class of '15. (Doesn't "salary dump" sound like something that happens four hours after you've eaten clams?) Something tells me Ryan Howard and Grady Sizemore could be coming our way! Hey, we can start perusing that Diamondback roster as if it's the menu at Applebee's! Could Vidal Nino be ours? Let the excitement begin!

And don't worry about trading prospects. Once they're gone, multiple Yankee truth squads will assure us that they were mere illusions, who were never going to make it anyway. (SEE O'BRIEN, PETER; BANUELOS, MANNY, ET AL.) Those high prospect rankings from last winter? They were disinformation campaigns, designed to confuse other teams. And it worked! The Yankees will use their "big market advantage" to steal - dare we imagine Aaron Hill in Pinstripes? - Frankly, who cares? It'll be somebody, anybody, who played in an all-star game about 10 years ago, when he was 25.

Did you know that Chase Utley is only batting .159? For the right price, we could have Utley and Drew - the most overpaid and light-hitting SS-2B combo in history. Ladies and gentlemen... this is the stuff of mythology!

Thus, Hal's team can chase yet another Wild Card... which means hovering around .500, which means no top free agent next winter without forfeiting a 1st-round pick, but who cares? it'll be mid-round anyway. Moreover, the Yankees cannot sign a high-priced international free agent next year; they splurged last summer on a bunch of 16-year-old Latinos. They're all spending their millions now. ETA in Pinstripes? Oh, let's say 2020. Is Jackson Melian still out there?

Last week, Hal's Yankees went 1-5 against Kansas City and Washington. Moreover, they looked like a team that didn't even belong on the same field.

Those two franchises built contenders the old-fashioned way. They came in dead last for practically a decade. Under the new reality, that's how you do it: Just suck so badly that you are rewarded year after year with the highest draft picks. Eventually, a Bryce Harper falls your way.

Maybe one of these years the Yankees will collapse - so completely that Hal cannot patch the wounds with old fat guys in their career death spirals. Maybe someday, we'll draft first.

Something to look forward to, eh?

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