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Wednesday, October 27, 2021

Fixing the Yankees Part Three: We Need To Fix Hal

The underwhelming response to my first two suggestions, (Hiring Marie Kondo as GM to clean all the crap out of the clubhouse and, since the Steinbrenner will never sell, marry one into another baseball family to improve the ownership bloodline) has left me battered but undaunted as I again attempt to look for unorthodox ways to turn this team around.

I toyed with having Hal join fellow billionaires Jeff Bezos and the Virgin Atlantic guy in space by developing the “Yankee Clipper” a sub orbital space dirigible. 

I figured that, given his track record running the Yankees, the ship would run on autopilot and then inexplicably head for home prematurely resulting in Hal being thrown out (of the spacecraft) thus solving our problem. 

But I don’t actually wish him harm. There’s nothing wrong with Hal being the owner per se. We do have one of the higher budgets in baseball. It’s just that his malaise towards the team is infectious and detrimental. Auto pilot.

Hal seems like a nice enough guy, I mean sure there are no photographs of him smiling, but as has been written on this site many times, he just doesn’t care about winning a World Series.

So, let’s figure out how to make him care.  

Well, the obvious one is to hit him in the bottom line but, MLB has all kinds of safeguards against that. While a drop in attendance isn’t a good look, the TV money keeps the Yankees in the black regardless.

There’s the rent a plane and have it tow a banner. It kinda worked for the NY Giants a while back but again, if Hal doesn’t care than there is no way of shaming him.

So, what’s the lever?

Three major motivators are money, sex, and power. Hal’s got money and power. So let's go with sex. We need to find a seductress. A Lola Getz. Someone to, shall we say, “put a smile on his face.” And then, cut him off! 



I think it might go, something like this...

“But baby please! I’ll do anything.”

“Anything? Buy me a ring.”

"Absolutely. Easily done. What kind of ring? Diamond? Sapphire?”

“Championship!”

"Soccer?"

"Baseball."

She wiggles around. (See photo)

"I'll get Brian on the phone. Sign Freddie Freeman and Carlos Correa."

She nods her head.

"And?"

"Scherzer and Gausman"

She nods her head and wiggles.

"And?"

"Rodon?"

She shakes her head no.

"And!!!"

"Fine, we'll fire Boone, I'll move Hal upstairs and his replacement can trade Sanchez. How about a little kiss?"

"Make the calls. Then we'll talk."




 

1 comment:

JM said...

I like it. Maybe a financial collapse would get rid of Hal.

Just thinking out loud.