DEAR NEW YORK TABLOIDS

BOYCOTT MLB ON YOUR BACK PAGES UNTIL THE LOCKOUT ENDS!

Monday, October 25, 2021

It's time for Food Stamps Hal to tell us what he intends to do in 2022.

Last week, the comedy team of Boonie & Cash took to the YES airwaves to perform some of their greatest routines: 

They are not satisfied with the 2021 away-team AL wild card berth! (Laughter.) They want the Yankees to improve in 2022! (Laughter.) They're thinking about next year! (Laughter, applause.)  

Mother's milk for our ears.  

Sadly, it doesn't matter what Boonie & Cash say. Especially Boonie, who plays the Marty Allen "HELLO DARE!" roll. My guess is that Boonie is so grateful for keeping his job, that his pacemaker flutters and the punch lines fly out like candy from a pinata.  

As for Cashman, he spanks that silence. He's Penn - not Teller. By golly, he's gonna address those weaknesses, he's gonna shore up the offense and defense, and boy o boy, and I would NOT wanna be in the AL East next year, no siree, not with the changes in store for Yankee baseball! Right, Boonie? HELLO DARE! (Laughter, applause.)

So, Boonie & Cash have done their 15-minutes. Right now, they're on vacay - somewhere between The White Lotus and cruise ship Hokey Pokey. Don't expect to hear from them for the next week. The last thing they'll do is watch Houston play Atlanta. There must be a class in basket weaving with a few openings.

Which leads us to the one Yankee voice we have yet to experience: 

Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner. 

In every respect, his is the only voice that matters. 

In recent days, news outlets and blogs have coagulated with suggestions for what the Yankees should do this winter. It's a parlor game. Unfortunately, none of these carry a whit of reality, because Hal has not yet spoken.

Will he increase the Yankee payroll, so Cash can chase free agents? Or will Hal hold the line at $200 million, emphasizing the need to escape luxury taxes?

And then there is the possibility of a lockout or strike. 

Cash recently told CBS: 

“I have yet to have the conversation yet with what potentials, acknowledging that we have budget commitments already in play and depending on how the new collective bargaining agreement works out over the course of time, hopefully sooner than later.”

Hilarious, right?

You can't predict baseball, Suzyn. At least not until Hal okays the money. 

Of course, Cash will try a few things. He will try to trade Gary Sanchez, who became our Sam Darnold before Sam Darnold became Sam Darnold. He'll try to get something for Clint Frazier and/or Miguel Andujar - well beyond their sell-by dates. He'll try to figure out a plan for Joey Gallo, because - dear God - the thought of watching Gallo for an entire year makes me yearn to write about Pro Cornhole. 

This hurts to say, but what else is there? Everything hinges on Hal. At some point - maybe it's already happened, and they've instituted a gag order - Hal will summon Cash into his office and point to a number on a chalkboard. That figure - the Yankee payroll - will dictate what the Death Barge will do in 2022. 

There is a wistfulness among us that the Yankees would follow the lead of Tampa - or even Boston - who have eaten our lunches in this millennium. In every conversation, we are sooooo tired of watching overhyped underachievers proudly finish second, and then, going through a winter of speculation that links the team - fruitlessly - to every free agent on the market. I get more uplifted watching Squid Game.

The Yankees are on a treadmill, and Boonie & Cash can barely keep up. The only question is how much Hal will spend, and he hasn't yet spoken. Until then... blah blah blah. (Laughter.) Blah blah. (Laughter, applause.) Goodnight everybody! (Applause, shouts, applause.)

18 comments:

Celerino Sanchez said...

I say this team does nothing of importance. They will sign a few 35+ pitchers who have not thrown a pitch in 2 years. Sanchez, Frazier, Andujar...really? You might get some A level players who are 19 and will be working (or maybe working) at some car wash in 3 years. If you pay half of Chapman's salary, you might get something back. Time to look at what a Judge return would be and then start the tear down and rebuild. The Dodgers and the Bronx Bummers have proven that spending $$$ doesn't get you anywhere, it's time to develop some fucking players.

Alphonso said...

Brian did have a "Huge Reveal," however

He acknowledged that the batters on his team needed to make more contact. He did not distinguish between balls put in play and foul tips, but certainly he was leaning in the right direction....

If he had only mentioned that during the season.

If only our players knew.

JM said...

I'd say that spending big money intelligently does get you somewhere.

Our problem has been that word "intelligently." Hicks for a million years, Chapman for several centuries, and the usual litany of big ticket players over the years who didn't pan out.

But--a big but, and I like big buts, I cannot lie--spending a lot of money to support a core of maturing young players is better than any either/or.

Hey, how about those Giants? Jones with a one-handed catch. Wow. Which reminds me, why did we not resign Beckham? Just asking.

TheWinWarblist said...

They are Fuckers.

What GM couldn't field a legitimate contender with 200 mil a year? All it would take is a long term coherent player development plan and then prudent spending on free agents. You know, like the exact opposite of what we have now. A plan, any plan, would be better than this rudderless carcinoma.



Fuckers.

DickAllen said...



Win said:

“ What GM couldn't field a legitimate contender with 200 mil a year?”

I can name one.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Brilliant, Duque! And yeah, Alphonso, how about that, as the late, great Mel Allen would say: More contact! After he deliberately built and encouraged a team that was not about making contact.

Whaaat? How the hell does he possibly expect this specially selected group of fence-swinging meatballs to start just making contact?

It's like buying a bunch of giraffes and telling them to become meat-eaters. Good luck!...

Doug K. said...

"Hey, how about those Giants? Jones with a one-handed catch. Wow. Which reminds me, why did we not resign Beckham? Just asking."

JM:

Actually they did resign him and then traded him. It was a good move.

From Peter King today:

"Odell Beckham Jr.’s last touchdown catch came 55 weeks ago on the road against the Cowboys. Since then: eight games, 360 snaps, zero touchdowns.

First three years in the NFL (Giants): 45 games, 35 touchdown receptions.
Last three years in the NFL (Browns, with a half-season left this year): 28 games, 7 touchdown receptions.

With the trading deadline next Tuesday, it’s logical to wonder if Beckham can be had. I’m sure he could—but would you want a player who has been hurt a lot, turns 29 in two weeks, isn’t the explosive player for whatever reason he once was, and is owed $36 million between now and the end of the 2023 season, when his contract expires? Would you even want to adjust that contract significantly?"

HoraceClarke66 said...

Best thing about that interview was the Coops quote, though. My first thought was, "Donald Rumsfeld, you're back—and channeling our GM!" I expected Coops to start talking about the known unknowns.

We should come up with some new word for such pronouncements. "Cashmanese"?

Reading between the obfuscatory verbiage, though, it's clear that Coops and HAL are going to do nothing until the lockout issue is resolved, probably in December.

In other words, all those leaks to the press implying that the Yanks were all set to open the purse strings for Carlos Correa or Corey Seager were so much disinformation to keep the fan base engaged. The Yanks aren't budging until they see what the new agreement is.

This not altogether unreasonable, but it hardly constitutes a plan. More like another two months—at least—of wait and see.

Retired Stratman said...

Good God - can you imagine having to root for Carlos Correa?

Barney said...

If you admire what Tampa Bay and Boston have done, then the pleas for big spending are beside the point.

Doug K. said...

Strat

We rooted for Roger Clemens. That was pretty hard to believe. I guess we root for the team even if we find some of the players despicable.

Hoss,

Yep. Everything we hear up until the labor issues are settled is just smoke.

TheWinWarblist said...

My Clemens rooting was always qualified. And stopped when we threw the broken bat at Piazza.

Yankee Daddy Roger said...

We should trade Stanton while he has temporarily removed the finger of failure from his butthole, which we now is made out of the finest, most delicate, china. He was almost impressive enough in September to actually earn his money. He's shown he can play the outfield. Send him to the Dodgers! Or Angels-- they need to replace Pujols.

"We won't get fooled again"

DickAllen said...



What is Harold going to do for 2022?

Nothing.

AboveAverage said...

I wrote a terrible little song.

I'm still working on some of the lyrics.

Please sing it with me.

It goes a little like this:


Its 2022

There is no need to BOO

Our Fans will start to SCREAM

For our special TEAM


First Baseman
Torres
Shortstop
(pitcher)

Gio
Catcher
Judge
(pitcher)

Center and
Left Fielder
(pitcher)

Coach
Coach
Coach
Coach
Coach
(pitcher)

KaBOOOOONE
CASH!
KaBOOOOONE
CASH!
KaBOOOOONE
CASH!
(pitcher)

YEAH!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Rufus, stirring momentarily from his midwinter (ok, fall -- so sue me) nap.

I never rooted for Clemens or Aroid, for that matter. Never wanted them on the Yankees. Some guys, you just can't root for.

Blow up the fucking team HAL. Forget trying to tweek. It's like trying to use the ointment to get rid of the herpes. Despite what Dr. Olu told you, it won't work out.

Now, on to Florida for a little while and forget this miserable team. Time to enjoy warm weather.

DickAllen said...




It's okay Rufus. Winter came early for all of us.

HoraceClarke66 said...

With all due respect, I don't think Clemens or A-Rod can lay a finger on Aroldis Chapman. Or Domingo German, though it's hard to say as his awful deed will go forever unnamed.

What is it Seinfeld called it, "rooting for the laundry"? Yeah, to a certain degree that's true. And we can never really know what these guys are like. But it's all the easier when they don't run up police raps and seem like steady professionals.