Sunday, October 31, 2021

It's high time that baseball faces its hateful, mocking, anti-barnyard mentality... and erases "bullpen" from our vernacular

A sharp-eyed reader, RichieAllen, flagged this idea from the advocacy group, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.


PETA is pitching Major League Baseball to retire the term "bullpen" and use "arm barn" instead. The animal rights group says "bullpen" mocks the misery of animals and devalues players.

Do I like this idea. 

Absolutely, not.

I LOVE IT!

Yes, yes, yes! This is soooo overdue. For decades, I've silently struggled with the hidden mockery of our barnyard beefcakes - not only the bulls who ejaculate unto us their herd-sustaining semen, but the baseball relievers who - despite turning the game into a succession of walks and strikeouts - are viewed as expendables, the lowest of the low on MLB rosters. 

While the rest of the team sits in luxurious dugout comfort, our relief pitchers are exiled - physically and psychologically - to a mud-laden shithole, a "pen" rife with disease, and commanded to "warm" their arm - the lone appendage for which they are valued. It's demeaning. It's wrong. It's unacceptable. It is verbal rape - not only of animals, but of the human condition. 

Worse, we often shorten it to the "pen," as in pigpen. Have we no concern for the feelings of our bovine buddies and porcine pals, traditional staples of the American barnyard? Will puppies and Shetland ponies be next?

Bullpen? 

I call "bullshit!"

That said, I'm not 200 percent sold on "Arm Barn." 

As stated above, human beings are more than mere "arms." We are hips, legs, breasts, heads, penises and/or vulvas. We are tongues, toes, ligaments, kidneys, earlobes and nipples. And we don't like to have them grabbed. 

To me, the fastest way to demean a relief pitcher is by calling him - or her - a "live arm," which suggests that he - or she - is mentally and spiritually deceased. I appreciate that PETA has suggested a replacement. Obviously, the organizational brain trust spent considerable time and effort attempting to craft the perfect word or phrase that adheres to the game's pastoral roots. For me, "Arm Barn" sounds too much like "Pottery Barn" - as in a china shop - which is the last place you want to house beings who only recently were considered "bulls." 

How about...

Pitch Paddock
Hurl Hut
Toss Trough
Curve Coop
Slider Silo
Scherzer Shithouse (named for the greatest pitcher today)

Or, in memory of a great reliever, the Thigpen. 

Are you with me?

10 comments:

Dantes said...

Although it doesn’t have the alliteration I’ll go with St Monica’s shelter for wayward ex-starters

HoraceClarke66 said...

100 percent, Duque!

Let's see...

How about:

The Fastball Reserve
The Cutter Corral
The Tank Bank (for those teams not going all-out)
The Mop-Up Pop-Up
The Nouvelle Vague (to honor Jean-Luc Godard)
The Swap Shop
The Second Thought
The Moundhouse (instead of "roundhouse"—get it, get it?)
The Heater Heater
The New Deal
The Corrective Collective
The Wrecking Crew (for the lesser pens)
The Rescue Squad
Armageddon (for when Aroldis is up)


Anonymous Bosch said...

Uh … The Lobber Lobby?

I just read this astounding bit of news:

“Gallo named a Gold Glove finalist”.

Is there perhaps an alternate title for which he could compete? Like they have the Razzies to counter the Oscars … ?

Sorry, I’ve been off the planet for a while – my computer was in the shop for two weeks during which I had no access to the world. I am slowly catching up and preparing for surgery for a hernia, so I’ll be on the DL for a while. I am told we caught it early enough and it is small so it can hopefully be done without a hospital stay.

(Hoss: during my computer-induced absence, I finally discovered “Pierrot le fou” which I watched twice; where has this masterpiece been all my life?)

Unknown said...

The Animal Shelter?

-3PCo

Doug K. said...

"A masterpiece of satirical indignity" - The New York Times

"Pitch Perfect" - The Daily News

"I have no ability to recognize when someone is kidding." - Certain People

Duque - Hey, that was great.

Dante - I really like your renaming. There were some other good ones too.

All that remains is a few of my own...

Let's see... There's the Batter's Box and the On Deck Circle - both shapes. The Bullpen is a rectangle. So... The... Reliever's Rectum?

"The Place Formerly Called The Bullpen."

Maybe sponsorship? The AWS Next Up NextGEN erator.

Last,

Let's call it what it is... The Time Sink.

"Who's getting up in the Time Sink Susan?"
"Looks like everyone, John"

Scottish Yankee fan said...


The Yankees should name theirs the

'The Scot Proctor rubber arm memorial center'

JM said...

How can we ignore the connection between the term "relief pitcher" and the IBS lady? Especially since Rolaids has sponsored a "relief" award for years.

I think each stadium should have a sponsor for the pen related to relief. Pepto Bismol, Rolaids of course, Tums, Immodium, Ex-Lax, Alka Seltzer...the possibilities are endless. The "Pepto Relief Center," "Immodium Rally Stopper Central," the "VIBERZI Anti-Irritation Crew." (I can hear John intoning, "And Boone calls on the VIBERZI Anti-Irritation Crew here in the sixth...")

A somewhat under the radar brand like Eno would be really interesting. Maybe whenever a reliever comes in, the stadium loudspeakers could play "Needles in a Camel's Eye" or "Here Come the Warm Jets." Hey, that second one opens up a whole new area of urinary tract-related sponsors, too. Relief is relief, in all its forms.

This could be really big.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Good luck with that surgery, Anon Bosch.

And you know, despite my jape above, I gotta admit, I've never seen "Pierrot le Fou." I'm not really a big Godard fan, though I liked Breathless a great deal. But I'll look for it now.

DickAllen said...

Good for you Bosch!

BTW, it’s no longer acceptable to call it the DL - the PC Police, like the PETA people, have hijacked our dictionary. From now on, you’re on the IL!

Get better soon - we need you out of the Arm Pen in the late innings.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


A cordoned off area with a sweaty guy in the corner.