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Saturday, October 30, 2021

Is there any reason in this world for Yankee fans to root for Houston?

In response to the above question: 

No. Nada. None.

The Houston Astros are a slimy, fraudulent, criminal franchise, built by tanking for six straight years -  from 2009 to 2014 - in a city without drainage, in a state without compassion, which is run by a self-righteous prick without feeling in his dick, with a power grid held together by rubber bands, and whose best food is a knock-off of Mexico. 

It's a state that hounded Janis Joplin to her death, which celebrates the odious Jerry Jones, which killed JFK and then covered up the murder, which swindled Anna Nicole Smith out of her inheritance, and which elected George W. Bush, who gave this world a war that killed 601,027 people, and which was based on crime-against-humanity-grade bullshit.

The Astros are run by cheaters who wear buzzers on their tits, who play in the weakest division in baseball, whose GMs harass female sportswriters, whose sporting legacy is a fake grass known for rug-burns and turf-toe, and whose jerseys are the color of pumpkin puke. 

The Atlanta Braves have never hurt us. Ever. Whatever Milwaukee did to us in the 1950s, they were absolved by their gracious collapse in the 1996 world series. In his entire 23-year career, Hank Aaron hit only 1 HR against the Yankees, drove in a mere 10 runs and batted .203. (No lie, I looked it up.) Yes, he did beat Babe Ruth's HR record, but it was going to fall to somebody, eventually, so we'll give Henry a Mulligan, compared to the transgressions of the gnome, Li'l Jose Al-Tooth-Ache. 

Last week, I may have mistakenly intimated that nobody should give a rat's behind  about this world series and that - without the Yankees playing - America should turn to its pastimes of drunk driving and shooting each other in the streets. But the more I watch this detestable Houston team, the more I realize that I was wrong. 

Yes, I was wrong.

Apologies to the Braves players and their families. And to the juju gods who own the dice that we roll - madams and sirs, please, please, please... fuck those fucking Astros.

6 comments:

JM said...

While the name of the team and the Chop inexplicably survive, along with the obnoxious chant that goes with the latter, the Braves are not a stellar organization. But they do not cheat. They do not have a little scumball like Altuve. They aren't in Texas.

I'm not all in on them, but they aren't the Astros. So I look forward to their winning the Series.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I object more to them not naming their stadium for Aaron. But yes, better they win than the Astros.

Ironbow said...

Houston is an easy team to hate, especially with Altuve on the team. I hear Altuve also cheats in his off-season job as a midget wrestler. Well, almost a midget at 5' 4" - no way Altuve is 5' 6", his listed MLB height.

Barney said...

duque -- The Astros also happen to have a first-rate, Ivy League, brilliant management team that out-thinks and out-strategizes the mediocre Steinbrenner time-servers in the clown car of Yankees front office by light years. I know that your jealousy about that has triggered one of your debased spews of invective--although at least this time you didn't wish COVID on them!--but that's the reality.

And if you want to pretend that your rooting for the Yankees is founded on superior ethics, you might consider that this is the franchise that razed America's Roman Colosseum and erected on its ashes a tacky restaurant/shopping mall drained of soul or memory; that bilked the taxpayers of New York for this corporate boondoggle; that is run like a mafia social club, rewarding loyalty over competence in every department of the operation; that callously trashed and humiliated the likes of Babe Ruth, Joe DiMaggio, Yogi Berra, Casey Stengel, and Mel Allen when management deemed that they had passed their "best by" date; that extends a middle finger to its fans as long as the YES Network is gushing a sufficient flow of cash every year; that thrive in a mostly white suburban enclave of fun and games in the middle of one of the most desperate and blighted urban disasters in America; and so on. Meanwhile, New York State has merely given us a lecherous sleazebag of a governor who cut Medicaid during a pandemic and has yielded two neoliberal frauds for the Senate who have supported nearly every war and retrograde social policy you claim to abhor.

You want to root for the Yankees because your daddy did or because you had a crush on Mickey Mantle when you were seven years old? Fine--but don't pretend that makes you a more virtuous human being than any other baseball fan. You're all just rooting for childhood nostalgia, ancestor worship, and (per Seinfeld) laundry. Nothing more exalted than that.

It's a kid's game. Calm down and grow up.

TheWinWarblist said...

Maybe if my brain tumor came back and it destroyed my centers of reason, inhibition and alcohol tolerance? Otherwise I'm a hard no on the Astros.

Kevin said...

I have to wonder how we'd all feel if the Yankees had pulled off what the Astros did. Would the press be able to drown out the Truth? Of course they'd try, I still can't believe how Clemens got away with throwing the bat at Piazza. We're trained, almost at birth to reason away "our sides'" scams, at all levels in Life. I know that I'd be disgusted, but what would really make me feel for the team again? I think that the trading of all players involved, and of course the firing of all employees involved. Still, at my age I look at sports from a different perspective than I did when I was a young lad. Maybe, just maybe I'd tell the Team and MLB to "Fuck Off".

BTW, I'm not talking about trying to doctoring the ball in the "old spirit" of baseball. You still have to throw strikes. I'm sure that enough "what ifs" could be dug up to make me a sniveling hypocrite. Gotta have a little fun, right? Kevin