Monday, July 18, 2022

The decimation of Boston caps a delightful first-half, so let's give credit where it's due: To the juju gods!

Okay, everybody... exhale.

We just finished a wonderful, joyous and orgasmic first half of baseball. To cap it off, the Yankees humiliated Boston in a way that may have effectively ended their hopes this year.

Of course, anything less than a 2022 world championship will leave us raging at the cosmos - that goes without saying - but still, there are times when credit must be given where it's due. No, I'm not suggesting we lay off Cooperstown Cashman, Food Stamps Hal or Chewing Gum Von Boone. They still have work to do. 

But today, I want to acknowledge those adorable and overlooked deities who toil in the sweatshops of eternity - the juju gods, whose job is to fix baseball games. 

At times, I have posted angry sentiments about these unsung undergods, who work nights, weekends and holidays, who gather in the foyers of infinity to smoke their cigarettes, and who occasionally push our Frenzy Button, as they did Friday night when the Yankees twice grounded into DPs with the game on the line. I could bellow obscenities at them - actually, I have, many times - but on this sunny July morning, with a 13-game lead in the AL East, I see no reason to speak ill of these charming, lovable, hard-toiling faeries.

In particular, I'm noting their direction of one line drive yesterday off the bat of Aaron Hicks. The ball collided with Chris Sales' pinky finger, breaking it and probably ending his season - along with the dream October that Redsock fans were fantasy. 

Look, I cannot lie: My first reaction to the liner was to yell things that, I hope, will not be held against me at the Final Judgement. 

Chris Sale has been a nemesis in our sides for 12 years. (Remember: He also killed us as a Chicago White Sock.) The fact is, if Food Stamps Hal Steinbrenner had simply signed Yoan Moncada, Sale might have - could have - been a Yankee. Also, a broken pinky is not pancreatic cancer. It's about as minor as a season-ending injury can be. 

That said, I understand the disappointment Chris Sale must feel today. I wish him a recovery, so that someday the Yankees can beat him in a big game. 

There are injuries of malice (beanballs), malpractice (OF collisions) and hubris (not playing in Toronto for refusing to be vaccinated.) But it was those mirthful jackals of enchantment - the juju gods - who directed that ball into Sale's pinky. In a million swings of the bat, Aaron Hicks might not do it again.

That, my friends, was pure juju. 

And this year, with a few exceptions, the juju gods have been kind to us. 

In the past, I have suggested that these divine divas of infinite legerdemain have shown a tendency to torture us in October. I just want to state right here, for the record, that I understand they are merely doing their jobs. I thank them for their work, for their tireless devotion to detail, and - in advance, I humbly suggest - for their help in the 2022 world series.

Today, these gallant overseers of everlasting necromancy deserve nothing but praise. I'd also like to note how they saved Joey Gallo's final moments in the Yankee sun with a HR. Nice touch, people! That was artistic!

I wish there were a way to reward these sorcerous pixies of devilry. On that note, I want to declare an IT IS HIGH MORATORIUM ON CRITICIZING THESE MARVELOUS HUMANOID DEMICREATURES. 

Most of all, I just want to say, Thanks! And, hey, have you guys been working out? Because I'd swear, it looks like you've lost weight...


TheWinWarblist said...

It is only correct and proper to start the break like this.

Also, Red Sox suck. Hahahahaa-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAA-HAHAHAA-HAHAHAA-HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA-hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!

So endeth the JuJu.


Platoni said...

I'd like to join in singing heapfuls of well-deserved kumbaya to the juju gods - those Adonises and/or Dianas of the immortal world. Let the record show that I have never uttered a bad word about them, EVER.

And if the record shows otherwise, my account was hacked.

JM said...

Hicks has deservedly earned our scorn during these first 90 games, but with one swing of the bat, he earned every penny of his stupid, imbecilic, ridiculous contract. I see his retired number hanging on our hallowed wall in the future.

And I also note that Cole, our not-really-an-ace-but-a-fine-pitcher-most-of-the-time, shut down the Sox handily, except for one errant pitch to the anti-Jeter. Barring that gopher ball, he really was ace-like yesterday. Well done, lacking-sticky-stuff one.

Even Gallo, mighty Gallo, added a meaningless home run to the cause. That may be the secret to any future success he has: meaningless situations in meaningless games with a meaningless franchise. We can only hope he finds his Paradise before the trade deadline and homers there with impunity.

Houston looms after the break. We have something to prove there.

ZacharyA said...

I assume things will go south swiftly in the second half, but for the moment:

The Yankees have the best record in baseball.
The Yankees have the best run differential in baseball.
The Yankees have the biggest division lead in baseball.

Today is a good day.

AboveAverage said...

I will really be surprised to see any MLB team trade for/take Gallo off our hands.

Short of MannyFreddie creating that new league-wide position I discussed yesterday -


*(not for the beer league as also mentioned yesterday by one of our scholars - but in Gallo's case it musta be da wine league)

I see him being DFA'd or moved over to the grounds crew.

However, reality often has a way of redefining our expectations.

So I shall wait to see how the TWITCHING stops.

Carl J. Weitz said...

It's a perspective I had not previously contemplated. But when you look at it objectively, The Jujus exact their fee on every team...not just our beloved Yankees.

ranger_lp said...

Kudos to Matt Blake. He's the anti-Larry Rothschild...

Doug K. said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JM said...

AA--of course, the wine league. How'd I miss that?

Gallo is someone we could actually give to the Orioles, a team in our own division. Not that they want him, but we could do something like that without fear.

Washington has the absolute worst record in baseball so far, but I don't think they'd want Ernest & Julio. Neither would Cincy--I don't think--or the Cubbies or the Tigers or Oakland. Well, maybe Oakland. If we eat his salary.

But yeah, DFAing him makes the most sense. Cano got DFAed and the Braves picked him up. So anything is possible.

Doug K. said...

"Chewing Gum Von Boone"

Wasn't he a character in "Beach Blanket Bingo"?

As to the juju...

Sale's injury will backfire. Because of it the Red Sox will be sellers at the deadline and restock their farm as they dispose of JD Martinez, Nathan Evoldi, etc.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Why, I sacrificed a goat to them just this morning!

DickAllen said...

I was beginning to enjoy all this until someone mentioned the 64 Phillies.

HoraceClarke66 said...

True that, Zach! AND, it's in far and away the toughest division in baseball, with 56 more wins than losses against the rest of "MLB."

For comparison:

AL Central: -30
AL West: -15

NL East: +10
NL Central: -47
NL West: +26

Also, Yanks have 28 come-from-behind wins, and 16 games in which they scored 10 or more runs—both the most in the majors.


HoraceClarke66 said...

Also, no Yankees in the home run derby, so we don't have to worry about the inevitable injuries there.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Praise be Thy JuJu, NuJuJu and all incarnations of Negative /Reverse JuJu, for the first half of this season, you have been merciful and kind.

Carl J. Weitz said...

Sorry, DA....Had I known it would cause you acute angst, I would have said the good doctor would reanimate Don Zimmer to mention the '78 Red Sox.

DickAllen said...

Carl, I would have settled for Grady Little, but Zip would do just fine.

TheWinWarblist said...

Will we be live-blogging the home run derpy?

TheWinWarblist said...

Also, Red Sox suck. Hahahahaa-ha-ha-ha-HAHAHAA-HAHAHAA-HAHAHAA-HAHAHAAHAHAHAAHAHAHAA-hahahahahaaaaaaaaaaa!

AboveAverage said...

No Sale = Sellers for Baaaahstun?

Who cares, really.

After visualizing Komander KaBoone's head being liquified and consumed by a piece of evil bubble gum from Vecna from the upside down (a brand that he masticates regularly) I think that I will just kick back and enjoy the next few days FREE of having to watch Boone:

chew - chew - bubble - burst - repeat

remove - inspect - reinsert

chew - chew - bubble - burst - repeat

and instead fantasize of a world without Gallo.

Rufus T. Firefly said...


My account is frequently hacked. Or maybe it's just the alcohol.

But I do respect the Juju gods. After all, they can make Boone do many boneheaded things. Like pinch hit when he shouldn't. Or rest the hot bat. or, nevermind, the list is way too long.


I think we owe a lot to Blake (or is it Ba-lock-ay?). But don't forget was also owe a lot to a certain catcher that is no longer in town.

Now if the intern will finally get rid of the head case and play any of the much better options available.

Finally, I am pissed that I am going to my first ever old-timers day this year. Not because I'm going, but because there is no fucking game this year, of all years. Just ads for Steiner Memorabilia.

Alphonso said...

I never denigrate the Ju-Ju Gods, but I do " work them." I can still do that, right?

TheWinWarblist said...