Thursday, July 7, 2022

Way, Shape, and Form.

Surely, by now, everyone has seen the snippet from HAL Steinbrenner's rare interview yesterday, when he emerged from his custom-made, luxury br'er patch long enough to tell us that his inability to re-sign the heart and soul of his ballteam "in no way, shape, or form can be a distraction."

This is the most brilliant inversion of the passive tense since my nightly gin gimlet, when I sternly admonish myself:

"In no way, shape, or form are you going to drop this bottle of Plymouth's until you pour the gin into the martini glass!"

For Judge's non-signing to NOT be a distraction, all that is required is for HAL himself to sign the big, lovable lug.

The way this season is going, Judge is getting more expensive by the day. And each of those days moves us closer to the time when HAL is going to have to try to outbid a first-class Wall Street finagler for the services of his top ballplayer.

All this may not distract HAL from his usual preoccupations of clipping coupons, refiguring the luxury tax, and diving into huge piles of coins while exclaiming, "Gold, glorious gold!"

But of course it WILL distract everyone else, starting with fans and reporters, who have the temerity to ask questions and demand answers.

Just write the damned check already, HAL, baby, so that in no way, shape, or form do we have to be distracted by your privileged ass again this season. 

35 comments:

Doug K. said...

Judge is hurt and not playing today. Lower body issues.

borntorun999 said...

Rumor has it the team made him ride Trailways to Beantown instead of flying

AboveAverage said...

Does anyone believe the reports that Judge's lower body issues have to do with Hal giving him a spanking because he's playing too well?

JM said...

Since a few posts have passed and maybe you all didn't see it, I can't begin to thank everyone for their support and kind offers related to the health issue my wife is going through.

You people have big hearts, as opposed to the clown who owns this team. Yankee fans > Yankee owners.

Now let's massacree these Fenway fops.

DickAllen said...


JM is on target. Speaking of massacres, I leave you all with this to express my deepest hatred of all things Boston:

"I want to kill. I mean, I wanna, I wanna kill. Kill. I wanna, I wanna see, I wanna see blood and gore and guts and veins in my teeth. Eat dead burnt bodies. I mean kill, Kill, KILL, KILL." And I started jumpin' up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL," and he started jumpin' up and down with me and we was both jumpin' up and down yelling, "KILL, KILL." And the Sergeant came over, pinned a medal on me, sent me down the hall, said, "You're our boy."

JM said...

You can get anything you want at Alice's restaurant.

DickAllen said...


Except Alice, JM

TheWinWarblist said...

Fucking Josh Fucking DonaldFuckingson!

Doug K. said...

Donaldson!!!!!

JM said...

And Hicks. Hicks, I say.

JM said...

Isn't this the great Sox rookie who gave up only one home run before tonight?

Pshaw. And Pshakespear.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Torres took the hittable pitch and swung at the unhittable one.

TheWinWarblist said...

Why the fuck did he pitch to Devers? What the fuck could they have talked about during the mound visit?

JM said...

Ace.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

It was in falsetto, whatever the conversation was.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Suzyn: "Why are they pitching to him?"

HoraceClarke66 said...

Whattaya think? Torrents Chapman for the 9th?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Gulp.

JM said...

Holmes. Gotta be.
Better be.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Chapo only for the intentional hbp.

JM said...

Brigadoon coming up. The excitement builds.

ranger_lp said...

Joey Whiffs probably registered an account on apartments.com…

ranger_lp said...

Yankees Win!!!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Buck Foston!

JM said...

That was a big Yankees win.

JM said...

Holmes is great.

DickAllen said...


There is nothing better in the world than a warble from The Master in the aftermath of beating the Sux.

Now, where is Winnie with his?

HoraceClarke66 said...

Well, I'd rather be lucky than good. It always annoys me when they struggle so with one guy like Devers.

"Yeah, just keep pitching him low, so he can keep golfing it into the stands." The "response" should be one in the ribs. Without that abysmal Sox fielding in the sixth, we're probably toast.

But...a win is a win is a win.

HoraceClarke66 said...

And...without Judge or Rizzo.

Great relief pitching!

AboveAverage said...

I'LL TAKE IT - thank you very much.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Boone on Cole: "I thought he was GREAT tonight. He was really sharp, except for Devers."

Sure. A hit and a walk to the great Plawecki. He was dyn-o-mite.

Hinkey Haines said...

Cole owes Peralta, King, and Holmes a healthy cut of his hyper-inflated contract.

JM said...

That is so true.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Funny John moment of the night…. Announcing the score… Yankees 6, Devers 5

AboveAverage said...

That is taken straight from Astros manager Dusty Baker's playbook when he said:

"Ended up Judge 2, Us 2"

HoraceClarke66 said...

Cole is so NOT ace material, in so many ways. Look at his pathetic body language after the second Devers home run. During the postgame interview, he literally seemed about to cry in frustration. Hey Gerrit—YOU WON.

Goodness knows, Roger Clemens is and was a bad man, but he would have recommended "the Piazza treatment" as a response.

No crying in baseball, Cole Train.