Theo Authorizes Distribution of World Series Tickets to Red Sox Players After Trashing Tampa

Associated Press; Boston, Ma. 10/16/08

At an impromptu press event, held at The Old North Church this morning, Theo Epstein announced that he was giving tickets to each Boston player for the first two games of the 2008 World Series vs. the Phillies.

Theo was so taken by the "heart and soul" rally of his team last night against "this group of underpaid, no-name rookies," that he threw caution to the wind, and had the tickets hand delivered to each player.

" We undressed the Yankees, down 3-0, a few years back, so this comeback over Tampa is no big deal," said an ebullient Theo.

" We said all along that Tampa, while feisty and brimming with young talent, would collapse under the pressure. I give them credit for hanging in there to win the Division, but they are toast now. You can stick a fork in them.

I am more confident that I will see another tea party in Boston harbor by the weekend than I am that Tampa can overcome the mental, emotional, and psychic collapse of confidence we laid on them last night."

It worked for Jerry Jones. Let's hope it works for Theo.

OK, give 'em credit: They're not what we were.

They were down 7-0, seventh inning, and nobody expected a game six.
Nobody.

All season -- this hurts to say, damn, it just sucks -- when we fell behind by much thinner margins, we tanked.

It's not that we quit. Actually, it's worse. We locked up, we gulped, we trembled, we started noticing first row cleavage, we started watching ourselves lose, as if there was nothing we could do to stop it.

Didn't matter who we played. Once behind, we lost.

The Redsocks are the team the Yankees proved not to be.

This has nothing to do with talent.

It goes to the core of a team and the men who lead it.

For some teams, losing is not an option.

For the 2008 Yankees, it was Plan B.

On that note, here is a thought for the day.

You cannot buy hunger.

You cannot buy greatness.

We can't spend our way out of this mess.

That's exactly how we got here.

Tommy Tresh, 1938-2008

In 1961, we were too young and stupid to know that we'd just witnessed the greatest team in baseball history. We just thought it would always be that way. Our shortstop, Tony Kubek, was going to the military -- no volunteer Army during Vietnam -- but, hell, we had two great prospects vying for his job.

One was Phil Linz, who would one day toss a harmonica into Yogi Berra's startled face on the back of the team bus, a moment that would galvanize the club during a tough race.

The other was Tommy Tresh, the International League's all-star shortstop. And everybody -- everybody -- knew he was the one, because the Yanks were all about alliteration. Everybody knew.

And Tresh it was. He hit 20 home runs, played shortstop and won the Rookie of the Year award. They forgot Kubek and penciled Tresh in for a future centerfield monument. It was a done deal. Tommy Tresh... the next great Yank.

These days, if you want to be cruel, you could say he pulled a Melky. Maybe the pitchers figured him out. Maybe he lost his stroke. We'll never know. He moved to left field, his average fell, then his power disappeared.

I'll never forget one game when Tresh was playing LF and struggling. In the ninth inning of a tie game, he crashed headfirst into the stands to save a home run. In the bottom of the ninth, he hit one right into those bleachers. And everyone -- the announcers, the fans, me at home -- we all went to bed certain that this was the big hit that would get him restarted.

And yes, he'd get that centerfield monument.

The truth is this: There aren't many monuments. Great players, great men, come and go. Sometimes, their names have alliteration, or their eyes shine, and everybody knows they're destined for Cooperstown. Then life, or the curve ball, or some woman -- hey, when in doubt, blame women -- intervenes. Or we never do know.

Tommy Tresh died yesterday at age 71.

I don't weep for anybody who lives to be 71. But I'll remember him making that catch, then hitting that home run. The fans went crazy. Everybody know he was a true Yankee. Everybody. There aren't many. Their monuments are in our memories.

Back When I Had My Rhythm

Rain. Cold. Redsock Loss? Mm-mm. Dare we dream?

My, my...

It's flu season in Boston, and cold sea breezes, coupled with freezing rain, would certainly make tonight an uncomfortable one for the Nation... especially if the home team were to lose.

A loss, well, that would be icing on the cake.

Excellent.

Mwah-ha-ha-hahahahahahhaugh.

R.I.P. Edie Adams

A Yankeeologist writes:

Edie Adams' obit in Thursday's NYT touched off a quick wave of nostalgia; Yankee radio broadcasts with middle-inning ads featuring EA singing, "Would a gentleman offer .... a Tiperillo to a lady ..." Was that just a Schenectady thing, or did your radio have the same jingles? If so, she deserves a mention.

This is what I remember: (with special bonus Joe Frazier)

Shock and Awe

On the same day that the " mysteriously absent " VP, Dick Cheney, went for his electric shock treatment ( "to restore his normal rhythm," his Doctors said) , Nancy Reagan broke her pelvis in a fall from her home ( shouldn't that read, " at her home?).

Buried by these domestic policy headlines were two key stories:

1. Madonna and Guy are divorcing, despite recent denials to the contrary ( sounds like the CEO of Lehman's speech that the company was, "in no danger and well-capitalized," just before the fall ).

This opens the door for A-Rod to move into Madonna's west side pad, or one she recently donated for Kaballa parties. As our readers know, on October 2nd, Madonna and Alex dined together at Dos Cominos ( fish tacos ad san gria for the boy, vegetable stew and holy water for the girl ).

Madonna has already announced that she "has agreed to be discreet about her relationship with A-Rod until her tour ends and the divorce is final."

Which brings me to important, buried story number two (2):

2. The Yankees, today, are starting the process of " sorting through " their off-season plans, at their organizational meetings in Tampa.

Co-chairmen Hank and Hal are rumored to be participating in the sessions, along with Randy Levine, Lonn Trost and Brian C.

A number of concrete agenda items have already been cleared for release to the media, and include such gems as:

A. "It ( the meetings ) is to set our off-season priorities."

B. " It ( the meetings ) is to identify what we need to try to do."

C. " This year, we are all pretty much on the same page, " offered Co-chair Hank.

D. " We know what we have to do, " added Hal.

E. "It's going to take a lot of work," clamored Hank.

F. "And a lot of effort," Hal retorted.

G. " Hopefully, we can get as much done as we hope," they answered in chorus.

H. One of the participants ( unnamed ) added; " We finished third because of the Division we're in."

At the close of day one (1), Co-Chairman Hank summed things up: " Is it acceptable for us to be with what we ended up with?"

My sources tell me that Brian Cashman then called Dick Cheney to ask for his electric shock guy.

Looks like we battle it out next year with Toronto for fourth place, given the Division we are in.

But we will all be diverted by the impending Madonna/ A-Rod caballa.

McCain Accuses Obama of Practicing Eloquence

HOFSTRA _ In his sharpest attack yet, Presidential candidate John McCain last night denounced opponent Barack Obama for the secret use of eloquence, a tactic prohibited in recent elections.


McCain, who has refused to use eloquence, twice charged Obama with use of big words and complex sentences, an outlaw strategy designed to confuse Joe the Plumber. (pictured, below)

"My friends, I could be goddam eloquent, if I wanted to," McCain said, flashing his trademark jack-o-lantern grin. "But I'm talking to Joe now. Joe, when you squat down and bend over to lube a flange, do you want a president who is quoting Rod McEwen or that guy who wrote MacArthur Park? Hell, no. You don't want no fukinay crap. And as president, that's going to be my motto: No eloquenciation whatever. My opponent, he pals around with eloquents. That's sick."

Humberto's Bloggin'... and getting truly wise comments from the fanbase

First, congratulations to Humberto Sanchez, formerly known as one-fourth of Gary Sheffield!
.

Sir, we welcome you to the wild and wacky, wonderful world of blogging.

Your life is about to change!

Soon, your every fleeting thought will become fodder for an important new post.

Soon, you won't want to leave your keyboard, for fear of missing the chance to add something to the world's discussion about -- oh, say -- cream-dried beef on toast.

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And most importantly, soon... you'll cherish the daily opportunity to interact with that wild and wacky, wonderful world of blog commenters. (Watch out for that Anonymous guy!)

.

Then again, you have already figured this out, based on these excerpts from comments already left on your fine page. (PS. Folks... this guy could turn out to be the actual Yankee blogger we've been waiting for. Fingers crossed.)

.

FROM NELSON:

... and I am currently in my last year of Law School, intending to become an agent. I am wondering if you can please take the time to advice me on how to approach players and most importantly if you can have your agent give me an opportunity...

FROM MIKE:
... Brutal dude. That was a serious bad outing. I know you were pissed off because I was one of the 3 Yankee fans who were standing in right field and asked for your autograph. You growled no I am in a bad mood or something to that effect. Hey, I understand your feelings but, we weren't the ones out there throwing the ball.

FROM TRACKRUNNER:
... my mom was ur teacher back in 166
she told me about u and also mr. knapp
write back to my email if u want more info
i dont want to post everything here

WTF? Humberto... let's hope the Redsock Nation doesn't catch wind of this Mr. Knapp mystery.

Redsock Hope Matches Wall Street Action

State of Blog Comment of the Day

From Shamus...

I love the fact that Big Papi has turned into the Big Pop Out.

I love the fact old man Lowell is on an operating table somewhere in the back of Satriale's Meat Market.

I love the fact we've barely had to bare witness to the court jester, town idiot, drunken dancing poopstick, Jonathan Papelbon.

I love the fact that Beckett's postseason ERA is no longer mentioned in the same breath as Mo Rivera's post season ERA.

I love the fact Schill is home, eating bonbons, chasing his wife around the trailer everytime ED commercials pop on during games.

Most of all, I love knowing I won't see that vampire, that Snake of a Human, John Henry, crying with his gay lover, El Theo (the all-white team builder) as a WS trophy is being handed to them by the ex used-car salesman, Buddy.

Go Yankees....

Sign CC....!

Sign Tex....!

Trade for a real CF....!

Send Giambi, Abreu packing...

#27 in 2009


FINAL NOTE: AMEN, BRO.

State of Humankind Quote of the Day

“It hurts. It hurts a lot.”

-Tim Wakefield-
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Note: Irregular visitors to this sight might wrongly infer that some of us occasionally celebrate or take joy from a humiliating Redsock defeat, such as what was exquisitely crafted last night, by a score of 13-4.

.

Well, nothing could be further from the truth.

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Whenever a fellow human article suffers -- be it the heartbreak of psoriasis or the mystery ailment known as E.D. (both of which are curable, thanks to science) -- we find ourselves taking comfort in the words of the great Redsock secondbaseman Pumpsy Green, who said, "As long as there is a family without food, I am hungry. As long as there is a soul in prison, I am incarcerated. As long as there is a starting infielder batting .184, I am on this team."

.

Therefore, on this frosted October morn, as the gallant commandos of Fenway prepare to trod their sternest soil, we only hope that our heros, Yoooook, Pig Bapi, Dustbin, and 'Coby feel no more pain.
.
It hurts us. Oh yes. It hurts a lot.

Recycled Ad Lines for Barack Obama's Campaign

RECYCLED AD TAGLINES FOR BARACK OBAMA’S CAMPAIGN


“With a name like Smuckers, it has to be good.”

“Not just for breakfast anymore.”

“So good cats ask for it by name.”

“WASSSSSUP?”

“Is it real, or is it Memorex?”

“Let's all be there.”

“Oh, what a feeling!”

“See what Brown can do for you.”

“All you add is love.”

Counterpoint: Meacham sucked. Good riddance!

He's already at work at his next job: Leading the McCain-Palin transition team.

When in doubt, fire Meachem

The great Yank tradition of scapegoating Bobby Meachem was upheld today, as the team announced that it is firing the incompetent punk scoundrel who ruined the entire 2008 season.

Critics across the Yankiverse had expressed amazement that the team allowed Meachem to finish the season, considering all the games he single-handedly lost, what with his bunt signs, and the way he flapped his arms while waving players home -- it was a flat-out disgrace, and everybody knew it! -- and everybody agreed: He was the one thing holding the franchise back.
.

If it hadn't been for Bobby Meachem, we'd be in the playoffs now, probably three games up.
.

Remember: It was Bobby who waved Chien-Ming Wang home on that fateful night when he wrecked his leg.
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Remember: It was Bobby who kept giving Jason Giambi the "whiff" sign with runners in scoring position.

There are great Yank traditions:
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The Retiring of Numbers,
Playing in the House that Ruth Built,
Parades Down the Champion of Heroes...
and Firing Bobby Meachem When Things Go Bad.

.
As it says in the Good Book: The Meach shall inherit the dirt.
.

We can hardly wait for 2009, knowing this anchor will no longer pull us down.

This Blood's for You: Budweiser is sponsoring tomorrow's Prez Debate

We're not making this up.

Budweiser must think these guys will drive us to drink.

Trouble is, the best ad slogans for their campaigns have already been used.

USED AD SLOGANS FOR JOHN McCAIN:

“Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.”

“A mind is a terrible thing to waste.”

“Home of the Whopper.”

“Sometimes you feel like a nut. Sometimes you don't.”

“Can you hear me now?”

"I’ve fallen and I can’t get up."

“Shot from guns.”

“The other white meat.”

“Head for the mountains.”

Future Yanks Take Lead Over Redsocks

(That's Tampa, for the Cynically-Deficient)

Gotta believe Rocco Baldelli will play CF for us. His contract is coiming due. The NoPay Rays won't keep him. ETA: 2009.

Evan Longora? Not soon, because of our -- ahem -- unfortunate Arod clot at 3B. ETA: 2014.

Garza. Not sure about his contract. In the spirit of the Presidential campaign, I'm doing no research. Let's just say he didn't hurt his chances for a boat today. ETA: 2010.

Dioneer Navarro. Hey, the Randy Johnson trade will nag at us until this man returns to us. ETA: 2011.

Carl Crawford? I don't know why, but I just think of him as an Angel.

Oh, hell, just sign them, Hank. Do what you do well. Write checks.

Big Brown's Career-Ending Injury Devastates Hank Steinbrenner's Title Hopes In Fantasy Horse Racing League

This just in.

Big Brown's horse racing career is over.

Also over is the fantasy horse racing season of Hank "Stubby" Steinbrenner.

"Big Brown was my first-round pick," a dejected Steinbrenner said. "I built my stable around him. I am so screwed."

Finding himself "at a lower place than I've been in a long time," Steinbrenner is even mulling a name-change for his team in an attempt to shake off the bad luck with a new identity and fresh start.

The current name, "Rocky River Renegades", was meant to honor of his father's place of birth in Ohio.

Steinbrenner now questions that decision.

"I really wanted a name that had something to do with Jennifer Love-Hewitt, but I couldn't think of anything good that I could use on the fantasy website without worrying that they'd kick me out of the league for being too raunchy. Cashman told me I could probably get away with 'Knockers' or 'Torpedos', but I stopped listening to him months ago."

As a public service, we here at IIH, IIF, IIc, ask our readers to submit suggestions for a new name for Stubby's fantasy horse racing team. We'll be sure to pass them along.

John McCain: Yankee Beat Writer

Some believe the seventy-something maverick is running for the White House, but his coded speeches have clearly focused on the state of the Yankees.

Consider these excerpts from Friday's speech.

ON HAVING BASEBALL’S HIGHEST PAYROLL, BUT FAILING TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS: “We are going put an end to the reckless conduct, corruption, and unbridled greed that have caused a crisis.”

ON CARL PAVANO: “While employees, shareholders, and other victims are left with nothing but trouble and debt, the people who helped cause the collapse make off with tens of millions in severance packages.”

ON MANAGER JOE GIRARDI’S PITCHING ROTATION: “They dreamed up…schemes that they themselves don't even understand.”

ON GIRARDI’S UNWILLINGNESS TO COME CLEAN ABOUT INJURIES TO HIS PLAYERS: “So much of the loss and damage… could have been avoided if these practices had been exposed to the light of day.”

ON AROD AND GIAMBI’S FAILURE TO HIT IN THE CLUTCH: “For all their big and impressive sounding names, the fact is they haven't been doing their job right, or else we wouldn't have these massive problems.”

Petition Drive: Rage Against the Yankee Mediocrity

WE ARE NOW WATCHING THE REDSOCKS BATTLE THE RAYS, WHILE JOE TORRE -- OUR JOE TORRE -- PILOTS THE DODGERS TOWARD THE WORLD SERIES.

AS WE DO THIS, THE YANKEES WANT US TO BUY $500,000 A YEAR LUXURY BOXES AT THEIR NEW STADIUM.

IT IS TIME TO STAND UP AND FIGHT THIS CORRUPT, EMBARRASSING AND MEDIOCRE YANKEE REGIME.

AND IT IS TIME TO SIGN THE PETITION.


I, CITIZEN OF THE WORLD...

Always intended to buy a $500,000-per-year luxury box when the new Yankee Stadium opened in 2009, because I believed the New York Yankees were a solid organization and championship-caliber team.

Due to the current sad state of the Yankees, I hereby vow to forego the purchase of my $500,000 box, regardless of the personal pain and suffering that this decision causes me.

THEREFORE...

I am withholding my check for $500,000 until appropriate signs are given that the Yankees are changing the way they do business. (This means you, Hank Steinbrenner.)

Signed,

YOUR NAME HERE,

DO IT. GO TO http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/wewillnotbuy/ AND SIGN.

(Yes, friend... I know you wanted that luxury box. I know your friends were counting on it. But it is time to think of the long-term impact of what you're doing. THIS MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU DO THIS OFF-SEASON. Remember, friend... Tough love.)

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/wewillnotbuy/

Hank Steinbrenner vows to keep his steady hand on the tiller

Their Japanese import: Dice-K. Ours: Igawa.


Their emerging CF: Ellsbury. Ours: Melky.


Their former Marlin: Beckett. Ours: Pavano.


Their hustling 2B: Pedroia. Ours: Cano.


Their bullpen free agent: Okajima. Ours: LaTroy Hawkins.


Their long-awaited emerging LH starter: Jon Lester. Ours: Sean Henn.


Their young SS: Lowrie. Ours: Alberto Gonzalez.


Their wallbanger: Youkilis. Ours: Abreu.


Their October: Full. Ours: ____

Open Letter to Humankind: The Redsocks are gonna win, and we're all gonna die

Dear Madam or Sir,

Hey, it was a great ride -- 5,000 good years since the dinosaurs, according to our future vice president -- and in that time we invented teevee, Viagra and even pretzel niblets with cheese in the center.

I always figured that if we could invent pretzel niblets with cheese in the center, we could do anything.

Well, I was wrong. It's over. Our economic system is collapsing, our society is fracturing, our planet is boiling up, and the Redsocks are going to win again.

Life, as we know it, is coming to an end.

Forget money. Don't bother with physical property. In a few days, they won't matter. Future generations -- or maybe spacemen -- will know we were here by the legacy we left behind: the Internet, domed stadiums and our vast T-shirt collections.

It's over.

You want currency? Barter with those pretzels niblets with cheese in the center.

The age of the Redsock is beginning.

How did we let this happen?

And why are the ones who let it happen not being held accountable?

Good luck in the next life.

"It is High" Free Real Estate Listings

As a public service, we at "It Is High..." are offering free real estate listings* in an effort to help stimulate the economy.

Here's the first, a spacious waterfront pied a terre in Miami, right near beautiful Coral Gables.

Asking only $14.8 million. Contact seller: Mr. A. Rodriguez.

*not really. Free only to Yankee players; everyone else subject to $1,000,000 fee.

Nothing revs up America like that Ray-Redsock Rivalry

Just the idea of watching Dice-K pitching to, uhm, all the Rays, has me in a complete froth.

Can't wait for the trash talk between Big Papi and Evan.

Can't to wait to hear the Fenway crowd chanting... "Di-onnnnnn-eeer."

Can't wait to see the Tampons waving towels, or clicking clickers, or that cowbell thing.

Clam chowder vs. orange juice. What a classic matchup!

Out of the playoffs, at least we don't have to listen to Joe Buck and Tim McCarver moralize about how corrupt we are

Last night, they bravely ginned-up a full half-inning to the bashing of Manny Ramirez, which is like condemning measles. A perfect tag team of stories everybody's heard 50 times, told with the choreography of an infomercial.

And then, Tim, Manny pushed the traveling secretary, Jack McCormick, after
he couldn't supply him with 16 tickets.

He pushed him to the ground, Joe. He knocked him down.

And, Tim, Jack McCormick is 64 years old. Sixty-four years
old!

Joe, did I hear that right? Sixty-four years old?

SIXTY-FOUR YEARS OLD!

Well, call our number now, and you can tell Manny Ramirez...

Blahblahblah. They sound like Rush Limbaugh attacking Obama. Nothing new? Just run the same story over again.

OK, before going further, yep: Manny Ramirez is a dolt.

And water is wet.

OK, truth in content: We hope Manny beats the Redsocks, and obviously, we love Joe Torre... but when BucCarver bring out their hatchets, every Yank fan flashes back to the slobbering, gleeful hardons they unzip for the Redsocks every October, coupled with their venomous, unabashed hatred for the Yanks.

If we're playing, it's all about salaries. It's how we've ruined everything.

To them, we're Manny Ramirez. Always were.

In their world view, somebody should do something about the Yanks.

It's perfect that they work for Fox. They do their job as well as Sean Hannity does his.

Find a song and play it every five minutes.

Find a mule and beat it incessantly.

Nothing to talk about? Get the enemies list.

Sixty-four years old... Joe, can you believe that?

Sixty-four? I wouldn't believe it, but you know what
they say, Tim. They say, That's Manny being Manny...

The Case for Signing Teixeira

Remember: NO NEGATIVES. But truth is truth.

1. Giambi can't cut it anymore. His value is at DH.

2. Posada might develop into a decent firstbase glove, but it would take him until June. He wants to catch. We need him to catch.

3. Neither Juan Miranda nor the Duncan boys are ready to anchor a playoff team infield.

4. Free agent Mark Teixeira is a gold glove.

5. Teixeira switch-hits.

6. He hits for power, for average and had a fine post-season with the Angels.

7. Signing Teixeira would give us huge flexibility in every other deal we pursue.

8. THERE IS NO FREE AGENT -- NOT SABATHIA, NOT NOBODY -- MORE IMPORTANT TO US THAN THIS GUY.

THERE IS NO GREATER SINGLE LEAP FORWARD THAN TEIXEIRA.

HE MUST BE OUR MAIN TARGET. SHELL OUT THE MONEY. GET IT DONE EARLY, AND EVERY FOLLOWING DEAL WILL BE MADE FROM A POSITION OF STRENGTH.

Whiff on Teixeira, and every move will hinge on asking, "Who's on first?"

Canceled Closing Stadium Ceremonies Revealed

Damn shame they scuttled the planned last party at Yankee Stadium in November.

You wouldn't have wanted to miss this.

6 p.m.: National Anthem, the Redhook Appleknockers High School Marching Band

6:15 p.m. Blessing of New Stadium,
Council of Elders, Wasilla, Alaska, Church of the Impaled Witch

6:15-7:00 p.m. Songs from "Hello Dolly" and "Chicago" performed by Rudy Giuliani

7 p.m.-8 p.m. Family Values Salute to U.S. Troops, Brooke Hogan.

Ongoing, throughout night:
SALUTE TO HOMELAND SECURITY.

A swab of DNA could win cash prizes.
Bags and packages scanned free.
Uniformed security professionals.
Kids, meet Buzzy the Metal Detector!
(No shoes)

9 p.m.-11 p.m. CIALIS "ROCK AGAINST E.D."
ALL STAR BOOMERFEST REUNION CONCERT
featuring...

Earth Wind & Fiber
1910 Wheatgerm Co.
The Dave Clark Two.
Gerry and his Pacemaker.
Special Guest, Dexy's Midnight Runs.

11 p.m. Personal Appearance

VICE PRESIDENT RICHARD CHENEY

Closing. Fireworks,
Engineered by the U.S. Treasury Department.

Earth to Receive Financial Bailout from Space Aliens

Damn. You hate to think of our grandkids speaking Martian.

Cheney found?

BREAKING: Authorities reported a possible breakthrough in the nationwide search for Richard Cheney Wednesday when a photographer spotted the popular Vice President exploring his new and current identify on the boardwalk in San Francisco, California.

Attempts to confirm Cheney's identify failed. He has been missing for six weeks.

THERE SHE IS: Kimberly Jones Named 2008 YANKEE WOMAN OF THE YEAR

Voted by YOU, the general public.


Also, BE IT KNOWN THAT Mrs. Hideki Matsui has been named FIRST RUNNER UP.

If for some reason Kimberly Jones cannot complete her year as YANKEE WOMAN OF THE YEAR, Mrs. Matsui was take over the duties of the esteemed role.


Ooooooh, there she is
YANKEE WO'MN O'YEAR
There she is...
Your ideal.


The dream of a million girls
Who are more than sweeter
Get to spend time with Derek Jeter


THERE she is...
With millionaires she is...
THERE SHE IS...
YANKEE WO'MN O'YEAR

Holiday greetings from Boca Raton

The Case for Trading One of Them: Hughes... or Kennedy

Remember: NO NEGATIVES.

Ian Kennedy and Phil Hughes will have great MLB careers. If we trade one, we must receive fair value, hopefully packaged to bring a great Yankee: (Dream Halladay & Holliday...)

One must go. Here's why.

1. It would be insanity to project both Kennedy and Hughes in the 2009 rotation. That utterly failed this year. We can't just do it again.

2. Both are ready for MLB. Why send them back to Joe Bidentown?

3. A GM's job is to know which prospect to keep, which to trade. Boston has done this well. We must know Kennedy and Hughes better than anybody. Cashman must step up and decide which chip to hold, which to deal.

4. We have no position prospects in our farm system to trade. We must drill from our own oil reserves: young pitchers.

5. In a trade, Kennedy or Hughes would draw the most interest, because they can step in immediately. We could trade high-ceiling prospects, like Betances or Brackman, but we wouldn't get full value in return, and we could seriously burned.

6. In many respects, CC Sabathia will decide the futures for Kennedy or Hughes.

6a. If we DO NOT sign Sabathia, we MUST trade for a front-line starter. Other teams will demand both Kennedy and Hughes. We should tell them to go to hell, then chase AJ Burnett with a fire truck that shoots money from its hose. But we'd still need a pitcher, and we'd probably have to surrender the more highly sought Hughes. (Remember: To land Beckett, Boston coughed up Hanley Ramirez.)

6b. If we DO sign Sabathia, our needs aren't so glaring. The focus would shift to Andy Pettitte and Mike Mussina. If both retire, we still need one starter: Kennedy or Hughes.

7. For both youngsters, this is their last period as solid pitching prospects. Yes, they tanked last year as rookies. A lot of great pitchers tank as rookies. But if they stink again this year, go back to Scranton, their value plummets.

8. Our rotation could be 1. (Free-agent), 2. Wang, 3. (Mussina or Pettitte) 4. Chamberlain, 5. (Kennedy or Hughes or Aceves).

9. Even if we trade one, we would still have a young staff, with (the other), Joba, Aceves, Coke, Sanchez, Robertson, and several out there who -- as we write -- are hopefully discovering the secret to a pitch that turns a batter's knees to butter.

We can afford to trade one. Theo does this well. It's time for Cash to step up.

Swift Boat Yankeefans for Truth: Can you trust Ian Kennedy?

Well, can you? The fate of the world may depend upon it.

Or, then again, it might not.

But are you willing take the risk?

Bush Re-Assures Nervous Baseball Fans

President Bush, today, re-assured Americans of several things:

1. The Yankees will rise again.

2. The Red Sox's success is the Devil's work.

3. Sarah Palin is a Red Sox Hockey mom.

4. We did not invade Iraq for oil.

5. Debt is good, and we don't need regulations.

6. The regulators did not oversee Credit Default Swaps because, " they are not really insurance policies and they don't have any capital behind them."

7. Your Fox-supported Presidential candidate, Johnny McCain, says, " the fundamentals of the economy are strong, so I'm not going to talk about it anymore. "

As to the President's personal philosophy on both the future of the Yankees and the ( related ) future of the country, he just told us on Fox News: "Just hang in there and everything will be fine. You know, a chicken in every pot, and such."

Candidates React to Angels Defeat

McCain: "We're all Anaheimians today..."

Palin: "They have raised the white rally monkey of defeat..."

Biden: "Where do I start?"

Obama: "They face the danger of losing their homes..."

Hoity-Toity Lit Playoffs Review: A Dickensian Post-Season Awaits Us

Yeahp. We're seeing the ghosts of Yankees past, present and future.

The Past: The Dodgers, with St. Joseph and former archangel Manny, reminding us how we once rejoiced for young players, bursting with innocence, as they served to fuel the rebirth of brutish cast-offs.

The Present: The Redsocks, our current masters, who spook us with their unceasing torrent of emerging stars, something we've failed to build in our Bleak House. Pedroia might be MVP, and Jon Lester, the 2009 Cy Young. Wanna get depressed? Try this: They could win three or four in a row.

Future: The Tampons, whom we hope to begin raiding within the next 12 months -- actually, as soon as next May, when they start drawing 8,000 per game. They'll start looking to trade stars like Bobby Cratchet.

Then there are the Phillies. Hm-mm. Aside from trading us Bobby Abreu for new gallows blade, and apparently being the better for it, no connection.

Great expectations? None, for now. It is the worst of times, it is the worst of times.

Hah! Pesky Remains Snubbed

At last, something to smile about...

The Boston Herald
October 3, 2008 Friday

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

Where's Johnny?

Retiring Johnny Pesky's number was a great idea (``Johnny on the spot,'' Sept. 29). But where are:

** No. 3, Jimmie Foxx (534 homers)
** No. 7, Dom DiMaggio (non-pareil outfielder)
** No. 10, Lefty Grove (300 wins)

From 1946-1949 the Red Sox won more games than any other team. Yet those teams have only two men in the Hall of Fame, Ted Williams and Bobby Doerr. The Yankees have five, the Dodgers four, the Cardinals and Tigers three each. What's wrong here?

If Johnny had not lost three years to World War II, he would have had six straight 200-hit years to open his career, a record. He has been kept out of Cooperstown because of something that never happened - he did not hold the ball in the 1946 World Series. Official major league films prove that.

Enos Slaughter is in because of that play. He batted .300 lifetime. Pesky batted .307, terrific for a shortstop and it would have been higher if he hadn't lost his three best years in the Navy. Pee Wee Reese (.269) and Phil Rizzuto (.273) are in, because they played for New York teams.

Where is Johnny?

- John B. Holway, Springfield, Va., Holway is the author of ``TED, the KID.''

Swift Bat Yankeefans for Truth: Joe Girardi Must Go!

Doesn't the negative advertising just make you sick?

Well, doesn't it?

This is about as low as it gets, from Swift Bat Yankeefans for Truth!

Kimberly Jones, leading in race for YANKEE WOMAN OF YEAR, probed by Wiki

Is this Waldman's doing?

Giambi's Mustache Nominated for the Oscar of Facial Hair

No Canyon of Heros this year, but the Yankee march to Baatan for post-season awards has begun.

The American Mustache Institute -- ("Protecting the rights of, and fighting discrimination against, mustached Americans...") has nominated the Giambino along with a foliated upper-lip gallery of celebs and other former athletes for the first-ever Robert Goulet Mustache of the Year award.

Practically every shag-face in Hollywood -- excepting (cheap shot alert:) Rosie O'Donnell -- is up for this award, named for the legendary voice whose final performance at Syracuse's Landmark Theater is memorialized at the nearby Clark's Ale House on an autographed bar stool that has literally been fart-blasted to a shine. But that's another story.

Some of Giambi's competition: Libertarian Prez candidate and former Clinton impeacher creature Bob Barr, (upper right) Goose Gossage, Jace the Face, former Redskins receiver Art Monk (below) and Just For Men pitchman and former Met Keith Hernandez (below, performing Hamlet using ball as skull of Yorick.)

Considering that the award is sponsored by Just For Men, Hernandez might have an inside shot.

Go Jace.

Open Letter to All You Classy Redsock Fans Out There

Dear Madams or Sirs,

Normally, we don't allow personal opinions on this site. Intellectual self-pleasurement only undermines the empirical analysis of fact, which comprises our currency.

Please forgive this exception.

I pray that you shall comport yourself in a dignified manner above that of Metfans.

Recently, I found myself in an isolated coven of Metfans, as they watched their heros lose to the Florida Marlins, their season collapsing into the kind of morbid chaos normally associated with a George Romero movie.

As this happened, no one -- absolutely no one -- could have been more kind and understanding than I.

Yet they berated and verbally attacked me.

Yes, I must stress something here. No mockery or loose comment once flew from my lips that day, and yet they addressed me with contempt, baring their teeth at times like rabid, vicious animals.

To me, a longtime friend and confidante, they grew beastial.

"You people have nothing to be ashamed of," I reminded them, courteously. "You've had a great season."

Their eyes turned red, and for a few moments, I knew them capable of violence.

"You're in a fine position for next year," I said. "You have a solid team, and I'll bet the sportswriters, come spring, will be predicting great things."

It ended when I attempted to tell an anecdote of my favorite all-time Met, Lastings Millage. I was ushered outside.

THEREFORE... I say to Redsock fans now that we -- your beloved Yankee rivals -- understand how difficult it must have been last night to watch your team load the bases with one out, with a first round sweep in your grasp... only to have it slip away.

On behalf of Yank fans everywhere, I hope you will accept our help, our counseling, and our foremost good wishes for your success.

Of course, you have nothing to worry about. You will win the World Series. Everybody knows it. No team is as good as yours.

But if something does happen, know that Yank fans stand ready at your side, waiting to "boost" you up.

We'll be there for you.

And heck, if something goes wrong, you'll be in a great position to come back strong next year. All the sportswriters will say so.

The Case for Trading Robbie Cano

Remember: NO NEGATIVES about any Yank.

Reasons we should trade him.

1. We can. Unlike most of our starters, he cannot veto a deal.

2. He'll bring value -- if packaged properly, maybe a top pitcher. He's a great player, and teams recognize he's got great seasons ahead.

3. A change of scenery will do Robbie good. Four years in NYC can be a lifetime.

4. Look at Robbie's physique. He should be playing third. With Arod there for at least the next three years, we have no long-range place for Robbie.

5. Orlando Hudson. He's a free agent. He owns three Gold Gloves. He hit .305 this year. He switch-hits. He hustles like a maniac. Imagine the O-Dog beside Mark Teixeira -- another switch-hitter, another gold glove -- on the right side of our infield. What an improvement! (Note: If we can't sign Teixeira, Robbie might bring a solid first-baseman.)

6. We have too many slow starters. We can't consistently tank in the month of May. Robbie doesn't seem to hit until the All-Star break. On a warm-weather team, he'll surely do better.

7. Robbie's trade would serve as a wake-up call to close friend, Melky Cabrera, whose lack of discipline has threatened his career.

8. If Robbie were to have another off-year -- unlikely, but possible -- his trade value would plummet. He's still highly regarded. But if he slogs into next June batting .210, nobody will give anything for him.

9. Trading Robbie would enliven the infielders of our farm system. We have prospects, but they're at least a half-year away.

10. We don't need an All-Star at every position. We need players who bunt, who move runners, dive into the stands and excel at fundamentals. We love him, but that's not Robbie.

11. Basically, we played this season without Robbie Cano. He didn't hit for the first half. He went into a fielding funk in the second half. An off-year. Simply stated, we have too many under-achievers. We need a sparkplug. As great as Robbie is, it's hard to imagine him being that player.

12. All the above is predicated on the notion that we get value in a trade. We do not HAVE to trade Robbie. We would not give him away. But we probably can't solve all our problems through free agency. To get a good player, somebody will have to go. Robbie is our best chip.

Coming: The case for trading either Kennedy or Hughes.

Swift Bat Veterans for Pennant?: In heat of YANKEE WOMAN OF THE YEAR race, a bizarre video of Suzyn Waldman surfaces

Has Kimberly Jones hired Karl Rove to run her campaign?

Go here, but only if you have a strong stomach, and there are no children in the room.

Arod in NY v. War in Iraq: A scientific comparison

Beginnings:

Iraq War: Spring 2003

NY ARod: February 2004

Costs:
War: $700 billion
Arod: $280 million

Justification:

War: Frightening false claims that Saddam was developing WMD.
Arod: Frightening false claims that Theo would get him.

Immediate result:

War: Lost focus on chasing and killing Osama bin Laden.

Arod: Lost focus on chasing and killing Curt Schilling.

Situation last year:

War: "We can't leave, things are going bad."

Arod: "We can't trade him, he's hitting well."

Current situation:

War: "We can't leave, things are going well."

Arod: "We can't trade him, he's hitting bad."

View of Madonna:*
War: Bad.
Arod: Rrrr-rrr-rwwww!

*Obligatory punchline. We at IT IS HIGH regret the staggeringly overused Madonna punchline cliche, and hereby vow to discontinue the practice immediately if and when the Yankees win a World Series or sign Manny Ramirez as a free agent, in the latter case thereby voiding all other punchlines, because of the immensity of the new oblgatory punchline possibilities.

Brackman Last Night in Hawaii

Our little big unit threw last night in the Maui-Wowie League.

Basically, these are the first catwalk struts in his heretofore Pavanoesque pro career.

Five innings.

Three hits.

No earned runs.

One walk.

Five strikeouts.

Him say Kellogs Puffa-Puffa Rice.

The Case for Brett Gardner in Centerfield

OK, serious now. And no negatives, OK? NO NEGATIVES.

Reasons why Gardner should be our CF next year.

1. He's always struggled in his first incarnation at a new level, then steadily improved. He'll do the same next year.

2. If he just bats .240, he'll steal 60 bases.

3. He's an excellent fielder. He'll patrol a lot of space in left and right, which might be held by Johnny Damon, Hideki Matsui and Xavier Nady.

4. If he does fail -- miserably fail -- there's a chance for Melky to return (Remember, no negatives!) or Austin Jackson to come of age.

5. If we decide to trade for a CF, or wrangle one through free agency, the money or the players we give up will subtract from our more crying needs of pitchers and first base.

6. He's entering the prime of his career, age-wise.

7. We can't just send him back to Scranton, because Austin Jackson will be there.

8. His trade value is relatively low. He's basically just a throw-in.

9. He bunts, he hustles, he dives, his uniform gets dirty.

10. The main knock on him -- no power -- should not apply in this line-up. Look at all the bases-empty home runs this team hit in 2008.

11. Anecdotally, perhaps, the Yanks this year put together their best streak (July) with him in the line-up, and he came through in several big situations.

12. He'll be cheap, theoretically allowing us to spend at other positions. (See 5)

Coming soon: The case for trading Cano.

Bailout Passes: U.S. Economy Expected to Sign Sabathia, Teixeira, AJ Burnettt

NEW YORK _ The U.S. economy, emboldened by a $700 billion cash infusion, announced dramatic plans to sign C.C. Sabathia and several other free agents for the 2009 Wall Street season.

"We're going to spend whatever it takes," U.S. Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said, noting the economy plans to shed the contracts of Jason Giambi, Carl Farnsworth and possibly Bobby Abreu. "The taxpayers have authorized change, and that's what we're going to give them."

Paulson said the economy also might trade Robinson Cano, who turned into a toxic asset this year when he hit less than .270 and didn't hustle in the field.

Uh-oh

"The pair ate at an alcove-like table in the back."

Tampa Bay Has Found Its Rudy Giuliani

And it's this guy.

Until now, I was sort of rooting for them.

Back to supporting Joe.

Because of low expectations, Cubs declared winner of last night's game against Dodgers

Chicago _ A Fox News/National Rifle Association poll of 5,000 "concerned citizens" today confirmed what the major cable news pundits are saying: The Chicago Cubs were clear victors in last night's game against the Los Angeles Dodgers.

"There's no doubt that everybody expected the Dodgers to win, what with the experience that they have," said Fox News commentator Sean Hannity, of the radio team Sean & the Mad Dog. "That the Cubs played as well as they did comes as a big boost to their campaign. They made no major gaffes, aside from the fielding. This is a great day for Chicago and for all America."

Moose Mussina Named Yankee EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH for September

Congratulations "Mr. September!"

Another Day, Another Set of Former Yankees in the Playoffs

Two-thirds of the dreaded Randy Johnson trade (see below) faced off today.

For the White Sox of Chicago, Javier Vasquez proved to be in pure playoff form:

4 and 1/3 innings and six earned runs. All he needed was a grand slam from Johnny Damon (there it is, to your right) to bring back the pure golden memories.

For Tampa Bay, catcher Dioneer Navarro went 1-4 with a strikeout. He threw out a runner.

Oh, let's not forget Octavio Dotel, the great Yankee rehab experiment of 2006. He pitched to one Ray and struck him out.

And finally, what Rays round-up is compete without mentioning first-baseman Carlos Pena, who languished in our Columbus Clippers dungeon for most of 2005, while we squeezed out a final season from 37-year-old Tino (.245) and awaited the coming of the then-28-year-old Andy Phillips. Carlos went oh for one.

They're like the ghosts of Halloween past.

Wait a minute; Anybody want to put together a line-up of ex-Yanks in the post-season?

Twin Crashings: A comparison of the 1929 and 2008 Yankees

1929: Yanks win 87 games.

2008: Yanks win 89 games.

1929: First time in three years, out of running.

2008: First time in 14 years, out of running.

1929: Yanks finish 18 games out.

2008: Yanks finish 8 games out.

1929: Led by 34-year-old power hitter Babe Ruth. (46 HR)

2008: Led by 32-year-old power hitter Alex Rodriguez. (35 HR)

1929 character: Old pitchers... George Pipgras (29), Waite Hoyt (29), Herb Pennock (35), Ed Wells (29), Tom Zachary (33)

2008 character: Old pitchers... Mike Mussina (39), Andy Pettitte (36), Sidney Ponson (31), Mariano Rivera (38), Carl Pavano (32)

1929 situation: Wall Street crash leads to Great Depression.

2008 situation: Wall Street crash leads to ...?

A Few Thoughts About the Next Few Years

There is a lot of conversation these days about Brian Cashman's new contract.

Brian is making defensive noises against all accusations that his reign hasn't really been that productive.

A lot of focus centers on some horrendous deals ( The Big Unit Giveaway; The Gary Sheffield Giveaway; Kevin Brown; Kei Igawa ; Andy Morales; The Jose Contreras Giveaway to the WhiteSox) that Brian had a role in, as well as the bare cupboard of the Yankees' minor league system.

Judgements about Kennedy & Hughes were like recent investment decisions made by the CEO's of Bear Stearns and Lehman.

Brian wants us to give him a " clean slate, " so he can proceed with overhauling this old and aging Yankees' team

In this regard, let's take a look at next season's likely starting line-up:

1. Third Base - Can we all agree that A-Rod will be here until he is 41?

2. Short-Stop - Can we all agree the Yankees have no replacement ideas for Derek ?

3 Second Base - Can we all agree that Cano must go ( not likely to get concensus on this one )? However, what is the likelihood of getting someone better and younger?

4. First Base - The current favorite is Jorge Posada ( 40? ) when he needs a break from catching. We can't keep Jason as a defensive replacement for Jorge, can we? So what are we talking about here, Brian? Another Duncan, for youth? Can you get a quality, young guy and still keep Posada in the lineup?

5. Left field - Nady? OK. He is a fine player.

6. Centerfield - Our young guy is Gardner. Great on defense. A terror on the bases. A .183 singles hitter to replace Mantle, Dimaggio and Bernie?

We have no one else. So here is an opportunity to upgrade.

7. Right Field - What are the odds that the Yankees pass on Boby Abreu? He puts up really good numbers and has a fine arm. But he is "more of the same; " neither young nor exciting.

8. Catcher - A combination of Jorge and Jose? Both older, slower, and Jorge coming off arm surgery. A youth movement?

In the minors, we have....Austin Jackson ( .295 at AA with 10 or so HRs ). The new Mantle? At least this guy isn't over-hyped.

If Brian is going to do anything in 2009, it needs to be trading young prospect pitching for young prospect position players. And we have little track record on spotting quality players, I fear.

The Yankees' totally blew this last draft, so trading is all that remains.

So, I don't see a youth movement. I see pretty much the same team that we had this year, only older.

Meanwhile, I'm signing on for another three years as chief scout for the South Mexico Dirt Field Independent League. The good news is I get paid in Pesos. The bad news; only the equivalent of $6 over the contract term.

Adios.

Big Papi v. the Angel: Playoff promos that could also describe tonight's Biden-Palin debate

Old Wriggily v. The ManRam

The Braun v. The Phillie Phanatic

Lackey v. Curse of the Babe

The Pale Horse v. The Tampaons

The One Question We Would Ask Brian Cashman

He's gotten hissy with the Gammonites. Fine. But here's one for the next news conference.

Who orchestrated that miserable, wretched, 2005 Randy Johnson trade with Arizona?

The trade that sealed our doom.

No trade in recent years have crushed our future so deeply. To refresh your memory: We got The Big Unit at age 41, when he was a ghost of himself. He charged a TV cameraman on the streets of NYC. It was all downhill from there.

To get him, we gave up Javier Vasquez, Brad Halsey and Dioneer Navarro.

Vasquez? He's serviceable. Halsey? Nothing. But Navarro...

Future best catcher in baseball. Maybe already. Switch-hitter. Great energy. We gave him away him at age 21.

The death deal. The trade that sealed our downfall.

By the way, a lot of people -- I'm talking garden variety fans -- saw it immediately as a horrible, rotten, terrible deal. (Somehow, the Gammonites applauded.) We got a 41-year-old pitcher. Yeesh.

OK, I know what you're thinking. It's well known that George Steinbrenner loved Randy's four-foot-long butt. Everybody assumes the old man pushed the deal. Thus, we cut Cashman slack -- never blame him -- and he, quite conveniently, never says otherwise.

My question, Mr. Cashman:

Who made the deal that crushed us?

If it was George, please say so, publicly, so that we can feel confident in your judgments.

If it was you, please take responsibility.

And by the way... If it WAS George, but you don't DARE say such a thing in public... then how much control will you ever really have in guiding the Yanks' future?

Open Letter to the LAoA Angels: Et tu, Vlad?

Dear Madams or Sirs:

(Ed Correction: Dear Madams:)

You have now lost 10 straight October contests to Boston.

Gentlemen, ladies... whatever...

This is putrid.

This is pathetic.

This is Metlike.

This is ARodian...

Yeesh. Yank fans spent the last two months, when not bidding on eBay for official bags of stadium dirt, drawing comfort from the stems-n-seeds notion that, "At least the Angels won't stink out the joint against Boston."

Putrid.

Now, we see you now for what you are: The 2006 Sheffield & Big Unit Yankees. Yep, you're "Murderers Row, and then Cano!" the best team in baseball, the lineup for the ages -- and you'll all be home, downloading pictures of Kim Kardisian's butt, by Oct. 10.

Good riddance.

Ten straight losses to the Redsocks in October.

Welcome to Hell.

The Poetry of Sarah Palin

Charles Gibson calls it a "blizzard of words."

Yank Fans In Syracuse Dodge Bullet

Yowzer, that was close!

To those of you who do not live in or have reason to visit Syracuse, NY -- (you know who you are) -- please slog through this brief historical digest:

Syracuse has a souless Triple A baseball team called the Chiefs, (formerly SkyChiefs), which play in the even-more souless park called New Alliance Stadium, (formerly P&C Stadium), run by the ACME Sport Team & Flea Market Ball Salvage Company Inc.

Since the time before the Internet, and even before the birth of Lindsay Lohan, Syracuse has served as a farm club ("farm" in the sense of the phrase "ant farm') to the Toronto Blue Jays. Also, it's been that long since the Syracuse team won a meaningful game. Seriously. The last great Chief club had teen slugger Carlos Delgatto catching, I think, for Mordecai "Three Finger" Brown.

This year, hope appeared in the form of the amazing, magical Mets of NY, who announced plans to move their Triple A team to a closer destination than last year's club, which I think was located in Fairbanks, Alaska.

At that point, Syracuse's secret, all-powerful Star Chamber -- sort of a Knott's Berry Farm version of the international Tri-Lateral Commision -- began plotting ways to bring the Mets to town.

This is where Yank fans began to worry. (Needlessly, of course.)

For generations, Syracuse has been a Yank town. At least seven out of 10 fans follow the Yanks. The others hate the Yanks. Thus, any baseball conversation begins and ends with somebody wondering how Melky did last night. From there, it's downhill.

The only Syracuse people who follow the Chiefs closely are their landlords, presumably for the damage deposits.

Years ago, Syracuse was the Yankee Triple A farm team. ACME ran them out of town, proudly, which about sums up everything you need to know about ACME. (Fortunately, the Internet and Lindsay Lohan were invented around that time, and that's where the fans here have gone ever since.)

This is why we dodged the bullet: Within five years of the Mets settling in Syracuse, the city would have turned Met. I can't really explain the process, but it's much like in the movies, when a secondary character gets bitten by a zombie. Originally, no problemo. But within a few minutes, they're biting your hip, and the only cure is an ice scraper through the forehead.

Yep. Eventually, we'd go Met.

Fortunately, ACME and the Star Chamberl formed a secret Impenitable Shield of Impenitrabiltiy - which by its own definition is impenitrable -- and did not even bother to invite the Mets to visit Syracuse. (The county executive drafted a letter, probably on her Smith-Corona typewriter.) The Mets chose Buffalo before Syracuse even made a sales pitch.

Anyway, Syracuse gets the Washington Nationals, which is a half-step above the Tokyo Giants of the Japanese League. And Syracuse remains a safe Yank town.

Dodged a bullet. No surprise, though. The bullet had an inscription.


It says "ACME."