Tuesday, July 10, 2018

Due Diligence

Brian "Coops" Cashman, much to his credit, has already deflated most of the rumors from the Knights of the Press Box about his desire to acquire Manny Machado. His job is to "attack weakness" he said, describing himself as sort of the ferocious white blood cell of the Body Yankee.

Soon, of course, the other Knights will be assuring us that their story, probably made up whole cloth, was in fact "Cashman doing his due diligence," as if he is a conscientious farmer just walking the south forty, fixing a fence post here, filling in a badger hole there.

Their evidence will be the following phone call transcript between Coops and Baltimore Orioles vice-president for baseball operations, Dan Duquette:

CC: Hey, Dan, how's it hanging? Can't be hanging very far, in the cellar and everything.

DD: Very funny, Brian. Can I help you with something?

CC: When're you gonna fire Buck? Boy, is that fun! You should see the colors his face turns. You almost expect steam to come out of his ears.

DD: Cash, I gotta return calls to half the teams in baseball. What's on your mind?

CC: What's on all their minds. What will it take for you to give up Manny Machado?

DD: You, too? What do you need him for?

CC: You know, I hate to do it. It just kills me. But...how about Manny for Luis Cessa? Boy, he pitched a helluva game against your guys last night!

DD: What, that's it? Just Cessa? No, of course not.

CC: Kyle Higashioka, then? First three hits in the major were homers. How many guys can say that? Of course, we'd need a back-up catcher from you guys then. You still got that Wieters guy? Love his potential.

DD: Homers-per-hits ratio is not a real statistic. No.

CC: One thing I'll say for you, Dan, you always drive a hard bargain. Tommy Kahnle, then?

DD: Is he off the DL?

CC: What's that got to do with it? Neil Walker, then?

DD: No.

CC: Jacoby Ellsbury? We'll throw in one year of his contract money.

DD: Don't make me laugh.

CC: Tyler Austin?

DD: No.

CC: Tyler Wade?

DD: No.

CC: Tyler Austin AND Tyler Wade?

DD:  No and no.

CC: Tyler Austin, Tyler Wade, Jacoby Ellsbury, Neil Walker, Luis Cessa, Brandon Drury, Kyle Higashioka, Chance Adams, Ryan McBroom, AND Mike Ford?

DD: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no.

CC: Same deal, only we take out Jacoby Ellsbury?

DD: Still no.

There is a sound of someone slowly masticating.

DD: Cash, are you eating something?

CC: Tam Tams. You got them in Baltimore?

DD: I don't know. I don't think so—

CC: You should. They're a thick cracker. Good for a snack by themselves, but great, too, with smoked fish, a little cream cheese.

DD: Look, Brian, is this phone call just you doing your legendary due diligence?

CC: No! Of course not! I'm genuinely interested in acquiring Manny Machado.

DD: Make me a real offer, then. I gotta get Angelos his meds.

CC: Okay. How about Manny for...Aaron Judge, Luis Severino, and Gleyber Torres?

DD: What, Cash, did I hear you correctly? Are you offering—

CC: Kidding, kidding, Dan, just kidding! Oh, I wish we had those picture phones, so I could see your face. Better than Buck's, I'm thinking!

DD: I'm hanging up now.

CC: No hard feelings, D.D.! Hey, you know what those are the initials for, don't you? "Due diligence." Ha! What a coincidence!

Sound of a dial tone.


Anonymous said...

He didn't deflate anything. He just hemmed and hawed and spewed his usual corporate-speak. He's a jerk and a dummy.

Vampifella said...

Loved this piece! But I think it's a lot closer to the truth than we could ever realize!

TheWinWarblist said...

CC: Same deal, only we take out Jacoby Ellsbury?

That is the best line I've seen in a long time. It reminds me of a comment made by one of Greg Jeffries NY Mets team-mates upon learning that he was traded, "Great trade! Who'd we get?"

TheWinWarblist said...

Meanwhile back in Baltimore, it's not impossible to win a game if you're no-hit, but it is a whole lot easier to win if you get a few.

Leinstery said...

Perfect game'd by Andrew Cashner, a true low moment of the season. Maybe now they'll stop swinging for the fences every pitch. Unlikely.

TheWinWarblist said...

Now BLP! Now! Strike like a cobra! Pounce like a great jungle cat!!

TheWinWarblist said...


TheWinWarblist said...

Ya fuckin' numb nuts, it's about fuckin' time.

Leinstery said...

Chad Green is an overrated piece of shit.

And they need to trade for Machado. I'm pretty sure his lifetime avg is .500 against the Yankees with power numbers that would make Babe look like Tony Womack

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Bird still looks like that steel worker in the 50's movie. Sunken eyes from lack of sleep, little emotion. A less lively Jack Webb.

Leinstery said...

4-5 against the worst team in 56 years. Fuck these losers.

Rufus T. Firefly said...

Oh my fucking Toonces.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

And thanks again Bird!

Rufus T. Firefly said...

What Leinstery said.

That and I think I'll look into Staten Island Pizza Rat tickets instead of MLB Yankees tickets.

JM said...

THAT was embarrassing.

13bit said...

We don’t deserve the wild card.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I don't know who deserves what, but I'll tell you what, 13bit: we should not make a single deal, or expend a single, extra ounce of energy trying to get the wild card.

This team is far from being in shape, physically or mentally, to win the World Series yet, and until that changes there ain't much point in trying for postseason.

Among other things, that seems to be the attitude of our players, too. They just don't seem all that into the games, half the time. Judge and Stanton today, 1-8 with a single and 3 strikeouts between them, against that array of tomato cans.

In this league, you got to get up for all the games, son.

Austria's Only Baseball Fan said...

It actually could been worse: with bases loaded, Toonces could have walked the wining run.

But don't be such a Gloomy Gus! Our Sonny will come out tomorrow, bet yer bottom dollar...

HoraceClarke66 said...

That will at least provide amusement, in a sort of bitter, sardonic way.

TheWinWarblist said...

Oh yes, could've been worse. Walk off walk. Walk off balk. Walk off hamstring pull. Can always get worse.

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