Due Diligence

Brian "Coops" Cashman, much to his credit, has already deflated most of the rumors from the Knights of the Press Box about his desire to acquire Manny Machado. His job is to "attack weakness" he said, describing himself as sort of the ferocious white blood cell of the Body Yankee.

Soon, of course, the other Knights will be assuring us that their story, probably made up whole cloth, was in fact "Cashman doing his due diligence," as if he is a conscientious farmer just walking the south forty, fixing a fence post here, filling in a badger hole there.

Their evidence will be the following phone call transcript between Coops and Baltimore Orioles vice-president for baseball operations, Dan Duquette:

CC: Hey, Dan, how's it hanging? Can't be hanging very far, in the cellar and everything.

DD: Very funny, Brian. Can I help you with something?

CC: When're you gonna fire Buck? Boy, is that fun! You should see the colors his face turns. You almost expect steam to come out of his ears.

DD: Cash, I gotta return calls to half the teams in baseball. What's on your mind?

CC: What's on all their minds. What will it take for you to give up Manny Machado?

DD: You, too? What do you need him for?

CC: You know, I hate to do it. It just kills me. But...how about Manny for Luis Cessa? Boy, he pitched a helluva game against your guys last night!

DD: What, that's it? Just Cessa? No, of course not.

CC: Kyle Higashioka, then? First three hits in the major were homers. How many guys can say that? Of course, we'd need a back-up catcher from you guys then. You still got that Wieters guy? Love his potential.

DD: Homers-per-hits ratio is not a real statistic. No.

CC: One thing I'll say for you, Dan, you always drive a hard bargain. Tommy Kahnle, then?

DD: Is he off the DL?

CC: What's that got to do with it? Neil Walker, then?

DD: No.

CC: Jacoby Ellsbury? We'll throw in one year of his contract money.

DD: Don't make me laugh.

CC: Tyler Austin?

DD: No.

CC: Tyler Wade?

DD: No.

CC: Tyler Austin AND Tyler Wade?

DD:  No and no.

CC: Tyler Austin, Tyler Wade, Jacoby Ellsbury, Neil Walker, Luis Cessa, Brandon Drury, Kyle Higashioka, Chance Adams, Ryan McBroom, AND Mike Ford?

DD: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, and no.

CC: Same deal, only we take out Jacoby Ellsbury?

DD: Still no.

There is a sound of someone slowly masticating.

DD: Cash, are you eating something?

CC: Tam Tams. You got them in Baltimore?

DD: I don't know. I don't think so—

CC: You should. They're a thick cracker. Good for a snack by themselves, but great, too, with smoked fish, a little cream cheese.

DD: Look, Brian, is this phone call just you doing your legendary due diligence?

CC: No! Of course not! I'm genuinely interested in acquiring Manny Machado.

DD: Make me a real offer, then. I gotta get Angelos his meds.

CC: Okay. How about Manny for...Aaron Judge, Luis Severino, and Gleyber Torres?

DD: What, Cash, did I hear you correctly? Are you offering—

CC: Kidding, kidding, Dan, just kidding! Oh, I wish we had those picture phones, so I could see your face. Better than Buck's, I'm thinking!

DD: I'm hanging up now.

CC: No hard feelings, D.D.! Hey, you know what those are the initials for, don't you? "Due diligence." Ha! What a coincidence!

Sound of a dial tone.