Wednesday, May 18, 2022

Boone-speak

 

So you've heard of "Stengel-ese," the rambling, crazy-like-a-fox language the greatest of skippers, Casey Stengel, invented in order to simultaneously entertain and befuddle writers?

(I hope you've heard of it. Otherwise, well, I just despair.)

We now have "Boone-speak" ("Boone Badinage?"), courtesy of new friend Mildred Lopez.

Mildred—any relation to Hector?—passed along these quotes, from Boone's assessment of The Man Who Never Was, catcher Rort Biceptvedt. Somehow, in between rehabbing the right oblique strain that

has kept him out all this season and raiding small Saxon villages along the coast, Rort of the Norse also managed to injure a knee.

Or did he?

"We'll see. It could be some kind of surgical procedure that he may have to get," Ma Boone tells us.

Translation: Rorty will need surgery.

"It's something he's dealt with in the past," Ma Boone tells us.

Translation: Brian Cashman acquired even more of a pig in a poke than we thought possible.

No, Rorty is not "only" a 24-year-old who hit all of .169 in his only, partial major-league season. Nor is he "only" someone who has never played in more than 90 games in any professional season, nor hit more than 7 home runs in any such season, or run up a lifetime, minor-league batting average any higher than .242.

Nope.  Muscles Rortvedt is also, it seems, perpetually injured, having "dealt with" tweaks, creaks, and obliques—and bad knees—before.

In the past, Cooperstown Cashman was always ready to settle for lottery-ticket, Single-A pitchers. Now we're down to injured Vikings. Wouldn't more international signing money have been a better deal? You know, so we can sign the next Martian?

Prepare the flaming longboat! This one's starting the long voyage home to Valhalla.

 




9 comments:

DickAllen said...


Thank you Mildred for reminding me of the comedic value of actually listening to what comes out of this man's mouth. At least Casey was funny. This stuff is nonsensical.

Boooone is a genius at saying nothing:

“He hit better than his numbers suggest," Boone said.

As if those numbers had been suggestive of something else?

OR...

“He’s playing well, so I’m sure he is a little more relaxed,’’ Boooooone said. “He’s playing the position well… and he’s probably more comfortable there.”

I'm chasing my tail right now.

AND..

“I think it is motivating... He’s taking advantage of his experience.”

As long as his experience isn't taking advantage of him.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

“He’s doing what he does to control the zone and getting on base as he’s trying to find his way a little bit,’’ Boooooone said. “Hopefully he continues to do that while hopefully catching fire a little bit and getting to where he’s making consistently hard contact.”

Okay then. Hopefully that makes sense.

Unknown said...

He's our Dorian Gray. Cashman sold his soul to keep the team healthy. Instead of our players getting constantly hurt, all their maladies are stricken upon Rortvedt. By the all-star break he'll be on life support.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I'm jiggy with that.

Doug K. said...

Unknown,

An interesting thought. I'm good with it but would have preferred a different target. I won't say who but he closes games for us.

Celerino Sanchez said...

Next stop for Roidman is the WWE

Unknown said...

Hired to be a Yes man and doing the job. I wonder if Manager Kumbaya coached Cameron Maybin, who has made excuses for Joey K., for the past two broadcasts.

Kevin said...

I've seen some recent photos of Rortvedt, his arms were noticeably smaller and flat looking. He is either in a down cycle, else was advised to cool it before the Urine Man drops by.

The Archangel said...

Latest from Fox News,
Boonie has been hired to write teleprompter passages for Kamala.

Dantes said...

Benny steroids is never going to play for the major league Yankees. He was a lug nut throw in so it could look like Cashgrab got more than an aging Donaldson