Tuesday, May 24, 2022

Hey, so I wrote a story and then deleted it but...

... before I could Mildred wrote a long comment and I realized that if I deleted the story it would also delete her comment and that didn't seem fair. 

I also don't know if she backed it up so I'm going to stick it in the comments here. 

Sorry if I caused any confusion. 


Doug K. said...

From Mildred --

Advanced Metrics! What hast thou wrought!!

And lo in that year there descended upon the plains of baseball great hordes from the north, the ferocious Pencilnecks, and from the east the justly fearsome Manbunners. And these sacked and burned the olde villages there, those of Oldschool and Tradition, and drived out the residents thereof into the dark forests surrounding.

O the pagan and bloodthirsty celebrations of those Pencilnecks and Manbunners could be heard and the fires seen throughout the entirety of the lands, and upon the locations of those forespoken villages did they erect great monuments to their terrible and malicious god Tto.

And forthwith a faint cry was heard from the exiled denizens of those dark forests, a cry of "this is fucking boring!", and that cry did fall upon the ears of the powerful ruler of all the lands therein, the Tsar Manfred of Man. And fearing the withering and death of the Tree of Money, that most important god to whom all nobility have ever prayed this Tsar did issue forth a proclamation, that the baseballs be deadened, those ruby seams lowered, and the application of sticky shit to one's balls shall be forever prohibited. And it became so.

And so was heard the wailing of the Manbunners and the gnashing of the teeth of the Pencilnecks, for the power of the god Tto had been so diminished by Manfred of Man, and much fear had they of the return from banishment of the citizens of Tradition and of Oldschool, and the restoration of those former villages.

Thus began the struggle.

Boooone!...Change ye your strategy! Bunt ye the bunt! Steal ye the base! Single ye the single! Let neither the Hicks nor the Torres swing with eyes toward the fences! Let only the great and powerful swing from the heels! Let it be so lest your season descend into the foul and loathsome depths of the shitter.

Heed me one and all.

(I am not drinking...yet)

May 24, 2022 at 5:05 PM

Mildred Lopez said...

Damn it Doug! You're confusing me 😊

(I'm not a "her" by the way. If I could post a picture of where Mildred Lopez comes from I would but I don't know how)

AboveAverage said...

Doug K - you are confusing all of us - why did you delete the story?

Consider all of us here your writing therapists - allow us to help you.

Now take a deep, deep breath and tell us - - - how does this make you feel?

Then PLEASE exhale.

AboveAverage said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Doug K. said...


I deleted the story because, as much as I liked the premise, it violated my ethos. (Yes I have an ethos.) I was making fun of a person I admire and doing it in a sophomoric way.

At the end of the day, or more accurately the middle of the day here on the West Coast, it wasn't worth it.

There will be other days and other stories. There always are. Maybe I'll take a crack at writing a Bazooka Joe comic.

Mildred -

Unfortunately (or perhaps fortunately) commenters can't post pictures.

Anyway, I did the repost for you in recognition of your first lengthy piece for the commentariat. It just seemed wrong to flush it with my crappy story.

AboveAverage said...

Now DJ LeMahieu is scratched from tonight's game and being evaluated for left wrist discomfort. Tweaked it during batting practice. How can we stop this horror express. OHHHHH SNAP! . . . . . could the Thanos of Yankees' baseball be behind all of this?

AboveAverage said...

Doug K - I get it . . . we West Coast Yankees baseball fans (NorCal) need to stick together. Stay classy - avoid the sophomoric prose unless you're writing a piece about high school.

To show solidarity - I deleted my previous post.

Now, I'm just going to stew in LeMahieu . . . news . . . .

Doug K. said...


"to show solidarity - I deleted my previous post."

LOL. For real.

AboveAverage said...

Comment deleted
This comment has been removed by the author.

May 24, 2022 at 5:45 PM

ranger_lp said...

All this bad juju started with Josh...we'll all remember this when we lose the wild card series...

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Did Paul threaten you? He’s all talk about what he’s gonna do with that baseball bat suction cup thing…. It’s really something he uses in the shower.

TheWinWarblist said...

Since when does making fun of someone in a sophomoric way violate our ethos? Where am I??

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

I for one was impressed with your investigative reporting. We all knew about the pantless broadcasting, but it was a revelation in Toto. You are the American Standard of journalists. I think when Kohler heads prevail, you will put the post back up.

Doug K. said...


My ethos. Not yours. And - making fun of someone I respect not making fun of someone. :)


Nice toilet puns!

Thank you all BTW.

Kevin said...


Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

I knew those toilet puns were a home run when John Sterling exclaimed, “Zurn, Baby Zurn1”.

Alphonso said...

Mildred is not a her ( she) ?