Friday, May 6, 2022

Open letter to Gerrit, Jose Altuve's crushes his gonads, the anguished cry of Boonie, and other Death Barge rants

Dear Mr. Cole, 

Know how that song goes, "Izzup to you, New Yawk, Noo-oo Yaaaaawk?"

Well, tonight, it's not up to New Yawk. 

Izzup to you.

Listen: This is not a "must-win" game. Screw that. It's only May 6, the Yanks sit in first, we're three weeks from Memorial Day, and unless the lizard people overlords publicly appear and unmask Joey Gallo, tonight's game against - hawwwk, pttuii -  the ever-miserable Texas Rangers will be memory chum by next Wednesday. 

That said, this is a game you need to win. 

It follows a tough Yankee loss - (Note: Every Yankee loss is a tough Yankee loss) - and already, the Yankiverse is spooked by flashbacks to last August, when we celebrated a big winning streak by giving everything back. Tonight, the Yankees need their ace starter to put the team back on track - and to show the world we are immune to long, cold losing streaks... as long as said ace is healthy. 

Win tonight, and we are the 2022 Yankees, perhaps on the verge of a magical season. Lose, and it's still 2021, and we're back to chasing wild cards. It's a long season. Surely, you'll experience streaks and slumps. But tonight, against the Texas Tomato Cans, the Yankees must start anew. And it's up to yoooooo...

Thank you for your diligence

El Duque

Now, to the rest of you, here are some rewards for sitting through my letter:

1. For your personal self-pleasurement, here is Jose Altuve fouling a ball directly into his cabbage basket. Ohhh, the humanity!

I suggest you try to limit viewings to less than 20 per day.

This magnificent bit of audio analysis displays the intellectuality of Aaron Boone's recent intercourse with home plate ump Marty Foster, dean of the Herschel Walker School of Public Debate. 
Finally, clip and save this snapshot of the AL East, notable for Who's in last. (Wait, should that be an Abbott & Costello bit?) 


JM said...

ESPN Power Rankings have us at Number One.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Yeah, we're not number one.

Whatever happened to umps who say one thing, toss the manager, then turn their backs? He's not supposed to stand there and work the argument up with his own inanities.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Loved the musical accompaniment for Altuve's, shall we say, discomfort.

AboveAverage said...

here we go - and a one and a two and a three

Start seeding the Clouds

There'll be no big Crowds

Its raining Cats and Dawgs tonight

In old Noo-oo Yaaaaawk

(dookay spelling)

BTR999 said...

No game tonight.

A deuce on Sunday

HoraceClarke66 said...

Genius, AA!

Just as glad they've called it. No need for more fan torture tonight.

AboveAverage said...

Hope rings eternal*

* a tip of the cap to all of you out there suffering from Tinnitus