Thursday, May 12, 2022

Damned Yankee

A treatment to be flushed out and made into something or other, presented for your entertainment. 

Damned Yankee

We open on Joe Seely, a seventy four year old drunk angry Yankee fan, sitting in his heavily memorabilia themed den. He is watching in agony as the Yankees lose the Play In Wild Card Game again as their 375 Million dollar starter craps out.

In a series of short monologues bemoaning his situation as a lifetime fan, the state of the team, and the state of baseball altogether, he announces, to no one in particular, that he would sell his soul to the devil if he could play for the Yankees and pitch the greatest game in the history of World Series.

The Devil appears, looking quite a bit like Ray Walston. Right down to the Martian antenna on his head. Joe notes this and Ray says he’s late for another gig.  Keeping the antenna on saves time.

A negotiation begins. In order to trade his soul Joe wants a few things:

He wants to be 26 again.

 He wants to say a word like “Shazam” That gives him…

            The Fastball of Goose Gossage

The Cutter of Mariano Rivera

The Curveball of Andy Pettitte

The Sinker of Roger Clemens

The Slider of Ron Guidry

and just for shits and giggles a Folly Floater.

At first they were going to go with FFFCCSS but, after sounding it out, didn’t for obvious reasons.

In the end they give up on the word thing. Doomed by a lack of vowels.  

That said, the abilities are granted.   

Next, The Devil explains to him that he’s not going to make him younger because that’s just nuts.

Besides, with all of the social media, there is no way that a guy could come out of nowhere and pitch like Ron Guidry in 1978.

What he can do however, is put Joe in a trance, take his soul, and place it into an existing pitcher on the Yankees.  He will, in effect, become that pitcher, albeit with the aforementioned skills. Next season Joe will get to pitch down the stretch into the playoffs and then culminate their deal with the greatest pitching performance in the history of the World Series.

Joe agrees.

The following September his soul is transferred to the Yankees Number Three Starter. Joe asks, “Why him?”  and is told that they need the Number One and Two starters to pitch well as well, so they get to the series. 

Down the stretch Joe is wildly successful and the Yankees win the division.  

In the ALCS he clinches the series and seals the win with a perfect Folly Floater.

The post-game press conference is chaos. The Folly Floater was the last straw! The press wants to know how a “decent number three” suddenly has the command of every pitch in the annals of the game.

Joe almost spills the beans but is saved when Burgess Meredith Merkovitz, a zaftig Yankee homer wearing a dress that looks like a tuxedo, asks him how it felt to win the game, allowing Joe to go back to “Baseball Platitudes 101”

We see a brief overview of the Series. With the games tied 3-3,  Joe is named as the starting pitcher for Game Seven!

The night before The Devil reappears and offers him an opt out.  It’s a standard contract item. Just to gage level of commitment. Joe is all in.  

He begins the game with a perfect inning. Three up. Three strikeouts. Nine pitches! The second inning is a repeat of the first. Three Up. Three Strikeouts. Nine Pitches. Amazing!!! The third, fourth, fifth, sixth! Not just a No-Hitter… Not just a Perfect Game… An Immaculate Game! THE Immaculate Game!  

The announcers in the booth declare this to be, “The greatest performance in World Series History!  And if you haven’t been up to your greatest performance, Himmmms gets you back in the game. No chip shots using a foul pole. Himmmms lets you go deep!”

As Joe gets ready to take the field for the seventh with the Yankees up two - zip the manager takes him aside. His day is done. The bull pen will take it from here.

At first Joe is confused and then goes ballistic.  “I haven’t even given up a foul ball! How could you take me out!!!!!!” The manager points to his binder. “Third time through the line-up.” Nothing he can do about it.

Joe watches from the dugout in disbelief as the team coughs up the two run lead.

In the ninth the Yankees closer, a man with serious perspiration issues gives up the series winning home run on a ball so soaked with sweat that the spray drenches the fans in the front row like they were at Sea World or a Gallagher Concert.

The Yankees Lose. Theeeeeeeee Yankeeeees Lose!

We cut to Joe sitting on a stool in the Yankee locker room.

In Hell.

Flames everywhere. The other lockers have the names of other Yankee players who sold their soul. Brian Doyle. Kevin Mass. Carl Pavano.

We see demons and other nefarious characters of the netherworld, such as deformed winged troll like monsters who resemble Dick Young and Rob Manfred.

There is someone sitting on the stool in the locker next to his…

Joe:   “You know… I’m not sure it was worth it.”

Billy Martin:  “Tell me about it.”




C... said...

I had the pleasure of seeing kevin Mass hit what was at the time, the longest HR in King Dome history... A blast

Kevin said...

Doug, this might become both a play, and a tale whispered to little Yankee fans on Halloween. Of course, in years in which we make the playoffs. Great job!

PS, Ray Walston and Burgess Meredith were nice touches.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Absolutely amazing, Doug K.! Oh, baby, I love it—right down to the Ray Walston joke!

One small caveat: Brian Doyle is not in hell. Even if he did make a deal with the Mr. Scratch for that 1978 postseason, by now the countless prayers of innumerable Yankees fans have lifted his soul to heaven.

Unknown said...

Funny article!

Wezil1 said...

The ultimate Faustian deal has to be Cano. All that attention… then…RIEN

Doug K. said...


Yes Cano would have been a great choice for a locker. Nice call.

Local Bargain Jerk said...

Sorry I'm late to this discussion. This piece was excellent. Thanks for it.