Friday, May 20, 2022

The Booth


A calendar on the wall says February 2022. A meeting is taking place between Hal, Brian Cashman, and Michael Kay.

Hal:  Looks like Coney’s going to be doing a lot more for ESPN this year we need a replacement.

Brian:  Why don’t we give more games to O’Neill?

Michael Kay:  He’s losing it. He hasn’t left his basement in over two years. I spoke to his wife. He’s taking all his meals down there. They had to install a toilet. Half the time when he’s on the air he’s taking a crap.

Brian:  Also, Singleton is serious this time. He’s out.

Hal:  Damnit. OK, we need new blood.

Kay:  We could try Maybin. He’s raw but likeable.

Brian:  That sound’s right.  Should we move Ruocco to full time?

Hal: He’s out grown us as well. Plus, Levine just showed me the cost of powdering his head to keep it from shining on camera. It’s prohibitive.

Kay: We still need a third guy. Even I can't talk that much.

Brian: Yes you can.

Kay: Well I don’t want to.

Hal:  Yes you do.

Kay: Well, I could if you wanted me to me too.

Hal and Brian: We don’t.

Kay: Then who? Riccardo?

Brian:  Heh.

Hal:  What?

Brian:  I’ve got an idea.

Hal:  It’s not extending Hicks for another 5 years is it?

Kay:  I hope it’s better than trading four guys for Gallo.

Brian:  Cut it out! I can solve our booth problem and settle an old grudge.

Hal: Go ahead.

Brian:  Beltran.

Hal: Fuck that guy.

Brian:  Hear me out. We make Beltran the third guy.

Kay:  Are you nuts. We hate him for masterminding the Astros cheating scandal. Besides he’s shy and fairly inarticulate in English.  

Brian:  Exactly.  We make him the third guy. Put him back in the spotlight. Feed him to the Twitter Dogs. Humiliate him. Make. Him. Pay.

Hal:  Interesting… go on.

Brian: Every Yankee broadcast he will be exposed. A lightening rod for anger. After a couple of months, he will quit to “pursue other baseball interests” “spend more time with his family” who gives a shit. He will quit.

Hal: Yes! Let’s do it.  Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Kay:  I always knew you had a little Michael Corleone in you.

Kay exits.

Brian:  Next on the agenda… extending Chapman.






BTR999 said...

Very good Doug!

Beltran and Maybin are both hard to listen to, and on the job training at this level is not acceptable.
So seriously? Why not Ricardo?

HoraceClarke66 said...

Brilliant, Doug K.!

HoraceClarke66 said...

999, you might as well ask why most of YES is so dreary and uninspired in its programming and its voices and faces.

The Yanks obviously own a good many of their "classics." A few years ago, they were running things like the 1952, World Series clincher. But now, they just tend to rotate the same 4-5 classics.

Kay's shows are on all the time. So are marginal, local sports, and dull series or features on running, fitness, or the business of sports.

The "History of the Yankees" series is generally awful. The "Yankeeographies" tend to be better, but still far from great. There is all sorts of baseball programming they can and should be loading YES up with, but they just don't care.

Much as with their farm system, "development" just isn't their thing.

ranger_lp said...

On that thread many people are actually watch Off Field Fashion on the YES App? Or Well Life NYC? Home Plate New York anyone? It irked me to see Aaron Boone doing an Off Field Fashion installment. That means one day he didn't work as a manager to help the team. Those who get YES actually pay for this fluff content. I'd be surprised if there was more than 1,000 Well Life NYC viewers.

How about some more content? Something like New York Dunking Tank where a bunch of viewers win a contest to dunk a Yankee? Joey Gallo should be on the premiere of this show. How about Yankee Parking Space where three Yankees vie for prizes trying to get a parking space in Manhattan? And that's for starters...

Publius said...

Keep Ricky out of this. He's taking over for John soon-ish. Anything else would be a travesty. Those resonant tones would be wasted on the boob tube.

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

Soon-ish is another decade. John is only 83. My employer is 97 or so and he still comes to work. John is broke by the way, the divorce, the triplets that just got out of college… This is his first year where he gets to keep his own income. There’s a reason he has a condo in Edgewater and not Manhattan. But he has stated straight up they will have to take him out of the broadcast booth in a gurney. JOHN IS GOING NOWHERE!

I do like Ricky, but his Spanish language broadcast is way better than the English broadcast. He literally mimics John Sterling and admits it. He says his nickname is Juan Sterling. But he won’t do the same schtick in English.

JM said...

Ricky is great, Beltran is terrible, but I do happen to like Maybin. Yeah, he runs off at the mouth a bit too much and that's only good because it keeps Beltran from talking. But generally speaking, I think he knows the game, and you can't beat his enthusiasm.

Meanwhile, Heyman actually said something interesting and smart in the Post:

"The deadened ball and humidor now being used by MLB actually make Stanton and Judge more valuable, as their long drives still go out while those of most others are dying at the warning track."

Mildred Lopez said...

This is the content that makes the IIHIIFIIC subscription worth every penny. Thank you Sir Doug!

HoraceClarke66 said...

Very true on every point, JM!

Beauregard Jackson Pickett Burnside said...

I realized earlier today while taking rain delay theater dump that the Yankees are just like our economy. They’re both really doing pretty good… low unemployment is a win, houses sell sooner than relievers are pulled, Judge is gonna cost more than he did a few months ago… but everyone knows both are just doomed, and soon.

EDB said...

Excellent, Doug. What you wrote gave me a laugh. Rucco, Mr. ridiculous stats and Maybin who actually defended Gallo in left field, are awful. Carlos, who has a lot of knowledge, is difficult to listen to. The YES network needs to look for new broadcasters.

The Archangel said...

YES should do an in- season special of Cashman repelling down a building.....
sans climbing gear.
That would be a ratings bonanza