Open letter to Johan Santana: Want to no-hit the Yankees tonight? Here’s your guaranteed, 8-step formula

1.   Walk the leadoff batter.

2.   Walk the second batter.

3.   Walk the bases full, preferably on four pitches.

4.   Continue to throw balls outside the strike zone. Don’t worry. The Yankee batters will swing. They’ll be convinced that you’re about to throw a fat pitch, so they can hit an exciting grand slam.

5.  Each inning, repeat numbers 1-4.

6.  To keep your pitch-count low, instead of walking batters, occasionally hit them.

7.  To move runners up, don’t be afraid to throw a wild pitch. The key is to always keep one or two in scoring position.  

8.   Never throw strikes to a Yankee with the bases empty. That’s when he’s most likely to hit a home run.

Remember the rule.

Just stay cool.

Fill the bases

And throw to bad places!