Reasons why Boston won't trade Kevin Youkilis

That's what the GM says: They're not looking to trade him. Reasons:

1.   They need a $13 million, 33-year-old backup 3B.

2.   They could never again gaze into that beautiful face without crying.

3.   Team needs somebody to make Papi look thin

4.   Fans addicted to cool coconut-bonk sound when he's beaned.

5.   Boston has no history of jettisoning veteran players.

6.  Team announcers need to be able to say, "You're not hearing boos..."