Yankeetorial: Bombers ascend to first, mitigating my righteousness to bemoan miserly cheapskate fashion magazine boy owners’ failure to sign Jorge Soler

With our heroes spanking the cross-town Mehs and taking first, we entities of the Yankiverse no longer resemble a lab gerbil hooked-up to an International Harvester battery.

No sir. We are at peace, harmonically numbed via the morphine drip of Phil Hughes and Ivan Nova, who are suddenly Koufax and Drysdale. Goodness gracious, I can’t even whine about two DP slaps that took us out of bases-loaded, one-out situations last night, keeping the Braves fans from going home.

Nope. Just keep winning, Yankees, and watch the hollering disappear.

Wait a minute. Screw that.

Yesterday, the mealy Chicago Cubs outbid us for Jorge Soler, the last unencumbered international free agent on the open market, the last beef we could have signed for cash on the barrelhead. We let him get away.

Listen: A dark era is soon to begin for Yankee fans – even if the Steinbrothers view it with a happy bottom line. Soon, the billionaire communists who run baseball will impose salary caps on franchises, farm systems and even youngsters who haven’t signed. A new world baseball order is coming, folks, and it’s going to hit the Yankees like a jolt from a shock collar.

It’s about two years away. Enjoy the buzz now, because New York is about to lose its advantage. By 2020, there may be no difference at all between the Yankees and Kansas City Royals. But take heart: By then, the billionaires could be trillionaires.

Jorge Soler represented the last big name free agent out there before the new rules take effect, magically limiting what teams can spend on international free agents. Give them credit: It is a brilliant scam, rendered all the more dementedly when you consider how the fathers of baseball openly despise taxes and regulations at the federal level – but impose them internally (and when you consider how the fat cat players’ union let it happen.)

Anyway, Soler will be a Cub. Supposedly, the Yankees bid heavily, just not enough to get it done. The Steinboys are always frugal.

I realize that many Yankee fans obsess over team spending. I don’t. In fact, I don’t understand how anybody who roots for the Yankees should give a damn about how much we spend. Seriously, it’s a little late for that. We are the Yankees. We are the most successful pro team that America has ever spawned. We are supposed to be the team that never cares about money. We only care about winning.

 
We’re in first… As long as Koufax and Drysdale keep showing up. Enjoy it, brothers and sisters. But a darkness looms off in the distance. The Mayans were right.