Monday, June 9, 2014

BREAKING: TONIGHT, TONIGHT, TONIGHT: AN INTERNATIONAL JUJU INTERVENTION ON BEHALF OF THE YANKEES

IMPORTANT... MAYDAY... TONIGHT...

Slaves of Solarte, spewers of phlegm, watchers of Tanaka:

The time is nigh!

The 2014 Yankees are officially hapless, a national disgrace, akin to Donald Sterling and the war on cooties. Somehow, those crazy ancient Mayans nailed it: Our world did end in 2012. We must take it back.

As wearers of Yankee beads and fur, we will not go bonelessly into the All-Star break, while our box scores are shredded into animal bedding. We must mobilize!

In the second inning of tonight's game, on or near 8:42 p.m. E.S.T. - (The 8 is for Yogi, the 42 for Mariano) - attack your TV, radio or personal monitoring device - (not the one on your ankle) - and direct all anger, angst, hope and fury into one cataclysmic, world-wide Rizzutonic wave of juju ejaculate, spewed in the direction of Kansas City. (If you do not know the direction of Kansas City, just close your eyes and imagine a six-foot-ball Porterhouse steak running through a cornfield.)

Dammit, have you ever wondered why the hell you are here? WELL, THIS IS WHY.

Follow the instructions in this video. (The basics are also outlined in my 2012 book, The Juju Rules.)





On May 21, 2012, we conducted our first-ever Internation Juju Intervention (IJI). The Yankees went 20-4. Goddammit. Look.  It.   Up. On Aug. 31, 2012, we launched the second IJI. The Yankees went 10-3. A third IJI that year - in the depths of September - fizzled. The Yankiverse ran out of Juju.

Last year, an IJI broke a June slump, but there weren't enough Rizzutons in the Marvel universe to save that Jason Nixian lineup. Tonight, we must strike. The Yankees are Timmy. You are Lassie. Timmy has fallen in the well. Lower him a rope with your forepaws and pull him out with your teeth. At 8:42 p.m., we must retake the Yankiverse.

The key: PUBLIC MOBILIZATION. Send this link to true-blooded Yankee enthusiasts everywhere. Keep it out the hands of Redsock malignancies and residents of Kansas, so we can catch them napping. Best results: Buy or rent a sound truck, drive Yankee neighborhoods and rouse people from their slumber.

Friends... let's be real: This might not work. BUT, THEN AGAIN, IT MIGHT.

And I assure you: THIS IS OUR ONLY CHANCE. It is now or never. We, as fans, cannot go gently into this wild card race.

JUJU, TONIGHT, GIVE EM HELL, COMRADES.

IF WE GO DOWN, WE GO DOWN... SHOOTING.

AND FANS OF OTHER TEAMS, IN OTHER UNIVERSES, WILL LOOK AT US AND SAY, "DAMM, THOSE PEOPLE ARE CRAZY..."

THIS SHALL BE OUR FINEST HOUR! FIGHT! JUJU! TONIGHT! WIN! TONIGHT! GAHHHHHH!

13 comments:

KD said...

I'm with you, Brother. LET'S GO YANKEES!!!

Ken of Brooklyn said...

IT'S ON!!!!!!!!!

Alphonso said...

If you want this to work, Duque, you need to ram a fresh stalk of Kansas corn up your butt, and then make the encircling run around the house.

That is what I am planning to do.

Watch for chaffing.

KD said...

As a certified el duque minion, I find this video clip apropos, inspirational even.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SoM-ZC7uNnc

Oliver said...

el duque--this desperate folly will go down at your Pickett's Charge, for reasons detailed in this sobering analysis from ESPN:

http://bleacherreport.com/tb/ddg2Z?utm_source=newsletter&utm_medium=newsletter&utm_campaign=new-york-yankees

ceeja said...

No, you need to do the reverse Ju Ju -- use child psychology on the Baseball Gods.

Repeat after me: The Yanks are toast; season over; no chance; won't even listen to the game tonight.

Then don't listen or watch. Don't watch ESPN. Wait for the newspaper to show up and turn to the boxscore.

joe de pastry said...

I'll be watching the hockey game.

el duque said...

If we lose, it's on you, Joe.

John M said...

What the hell, it can't make us worse.

At least I hope not.

el duque said...

This team? Worse? I wouldn't rule anything out.

Ken of Brooklyn said...

Hey, at least they didn't lose tonight!!!!

KD said...

DAMN! I was so looking forward to this game. well, at least it gets us closer to a Tanaka start without an additional loss.

does a rainout count as a successful intervention?

KD said...
This comment has been removed by the author.