Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Six games out with only 146 to go... and other terrifying reasons to panic

We live in harrowing times. America has not yet come to grips with the changes in Carrie Underwood's face, or Gwyneth Paltrow's secret wedding, or the historical significance of Beyonce's performance at Coachilla... each a matter of our cultural jury duty. As a nation, we are playing .500 ball, while China and Russia are dominating their divisions (Asia West and Asia Central). One night, we look invincible. The next night, we lose 9-1 to baseball's worst team, at home, with our "ace," being no-hit through five, while Boston beats up on the Japanese Babe. We couldn't have had a shittier night if Sean Hannity took us up to his hotel room to see his etchings.

Mission... not... accomplished.

Listen: We keep chanting that it's only April, it's only April, it's only April... and let's be real, everybody: It is only fucking April. Eight and eight truly sucks, but it's not as if we staggered out at, say, 3-13... in which case we'd already be 10 behind streaking Boston. While we must legitimately fear the Redsocks, the history of the rivalry has been that we lose April and win September. It's a long season. And it's only April. That said... a .500 team deserves equal dollops of hope and despair:

Hope. Miguel Andujar has started to hit. If Joe Girardi were still managing, the Migster would now disappear. Maybe it's just me, but it seemed as though whenever a young player got a few hits under Joe, it was his ticket to oblivion. Joe didn't believe in the hot hand. He used binders, and because rookies have no track record... they weren't in the printouts, and they went poof. Hopefully, Andujar gets April to show what he can do. (Last night, it must be noted that he butchered a slow roller, which led to a three run homer. So the jury - like the Drury - remains out.)

Despair. Luis Cessa strikes out the side - leaving us to hope he's finally arrived - than leaves with a strained oblique, which is death to a pitcher. Out a month? Two? Let's figure July. I'm starting to wonder if this cold, miserable spring in the Northeast is behind the wave of tweaks to our frosted gonads. If so, be very afraid. Because there's a lot of crapola weather still to come. As someone once said... it's only April.

Hope. Manager Boonie hinted last night that Giancarlo Tartabull will move down in the lineup. That would put Sir Didi in the third hole, where he belongs. Thus far, Didi has been drawing walks, his only weakness last year. Batting third establishes him as the Yankees' premier player, maybe the de facto captain. It creates a nice lefty-righty batting order, and Scranton - I mean Stanton - still has Gary Sanchez to protect him. Also, he simply cannot be this bad. It's almost statistically impossible. At his current rate, Giancarlo will fan 348 times this season, making Chris Carter look like Albie Pearson. He simply cannot be this bad. The laws of physics will intervene.

Despair. Down in Stanton - I MEAN SCRANTON - Gleyber Torres sat out last night due to a bad back. WTF? A bad back? On a 21-year-old? The Yanks say not to worry. Oh, sure! Why would we ever worry? La-de-dah. The team always keeps us up to date on injuries. A bad back... on a 21 year old? La-de-dah.

Okay... I'm gonna say it one more time, just so it's out there: The notion that teams can protect only a few top super-prospects and trade all the others betrays one fundamental rule: The only true way to build a franchise is with a wave of prospects, not one or two. The keys are the Tyler Austins and the Jordan Montgomerys - not Estevan Florial. We can already see that Uber en route to whisk Tyler Wade to Triple A - he's been certifiably horrible - but if it means a month of equally horrible bad Neil Walker at bats - well - that's what I call mediocrity - another name for .500. So what about Gwyneth's mystery wedding? Think guests got a jar of her cootchie goop? You think it would work on Scranton? I MEAN STANTON!

10 comments:

KD said...

All Big Mike (TM) Scranton needs is one of Paltrow's jade eggs for zir vagina.

KD said...

Lone bright spot of hope: Did anyone notice how well our future closer and set up man pitched yesterday?

Ken of Brooklyn said...

This season already feels like 5 years worth of pineapples, and we're not out of APRIL! I wish I could avoid listening until June, I just don't have the will power, LOL!

John M said...

" Miguel Andujar has started to hit. If Joe Girardi were still managing, the Migster would now disappear. "

That would be a lot funnier if it wasn't so true. I don't care what people say about Booney, I'm glad Bullethead is gone. Just as I was willing to give him a chance if it meant we could be rid of Joe "The Luckiest Manager on the Face of the Earth" Torre.

It looks like we aren't really done with housecleaning in order to be a great team, and that will never be done while Cashman is there. He keeps bringing in dust balls like Walker and Stanton (who can't really be this bad...right? RIGHT?).

Speaking of John Carlo Scranton, his defensive skills are obviously being passed around like a bad virus. Last night was a Cacophony of Clank.

And speaking of Walker and Wade, isn't it the deal of the century to get Clankcarlo and lose Castro? If only Jeter had found some other schmuck to unload a big contract on. But he and Denbo were well aware of Cashman's weakness, and while I cringed, Yankee bloggers exulted in the "The Great Steal."

Man, I wish we never went for that. If Castro was still here, and Stanton was somewhere else where the big-market glare paralyzed him, what do you think our record would be right now? 8-8? I doubt it.

Anonymous said...

TIME TO FIX THIS SHIT.

ANDUJAR STAYS AT 3RD.

GLEYBER GOES TO 2ND.

NEIL WALKER SUCKS, (BUT I GUESS HE PLATOONS WITH AUSTIN AT 1ST).

I WORRY AGAIN ABOUT OUR "BRIGADOON" SYNDROME.

ANDUJAR HAS BEGUN TO HIT!

.....BUT HIS INFIELD PLAY HAS BEEN A BIT SKETCHY. (ALTHOUGH WITH THE CONFIDENCE OF PLAYING EVERYDAY, AND STARTING TO HIT, I BELIEVE HE WILL PLAY BETTER ALL AROUND).

GLEYBER HAS PLAYED 4 STRAIGHT GAMES FOR SCRANTON AT 3RD BASE? (WHY NOT 2ND)?

MR. DUQUE IS CORRECT.... IF JOEY ROCKHEAD WAS STILL THE MANAGER, HE AND COOP WOULD AGREE TO SEND ANDUJAR DOWN NOW TO "WORK ON HIS DEFENSE."

MAYBE THE ONE SILVER LINING TO BOONE BEING THE MANAGER IS INSISTING WE STICK WITH ANDUJAR?

WHY DO WE ALL HAVE TO HATE THE WAY THIS TEAM OPERATES?

Anonymous said...

.....OH AND I FORGOT!

MOVE THAT SONOFABITCH, STANTON DOWN IN THE ORDER...NOW!

HE'S KILLING US!

PUT HIM AFTER SANCHEZ, 5TH IN THE ORDER.

THE SONOFABITCH.

Anonymous said...

All of the above. Actually I'm starting to wonder a couple of other things.

1) Is Stanton Ed Whitson? I was reading in the Post about his home away splits and they are pretty dramatic. What is the guy is YankeeStadiumphobic?

2) Gleybar is ready to break in and hurts himself, needs, TJ surgery. He's ready again, back issues, it's giving me the heebie geebees as in G-Bs Glay-Bar, Greg-Bird...

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

Exactly right, duque. Cashman is a coward about actually PLAYING young talent. He likes the idea of it, in the abstract, but recoils from the ups and downs of actually letting them play and develop; he's more concerned about his image in the eyes of the Gammonsites than with the future of the team--what if John Harper or Joel Sherman second-guesses him in print? The stuff of Cashman's nightmares. He therefore clings to the strange arithmetic that if you pick up veteran mediocrities, adding mediocrity to mediocrity will somehow add up to something other than mediocrity. He no doubt did not excel at math or formal logic in college, and he is NOT the guy you want next to you in a foxhole when it's time to go over the top.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Duque, John M., ALL-CAPS? What am I hearing? Criticism of the great Joe G.?

How is this possible?? Everyone remembers how, under his steady hand, the lion laid down with the lamb, and molten gold poured from the faucets.

I like all of these suggestions. And yes, it is only April. But we still have no pitching...

Nickname Damur said...

Giancarlo Scranton. Good one.