Thursday, March 20, 2008

AL Central Preview: Alphonso's Take

Our correspondent Alphonso spent 15 minutes assessing the competition in the AL Central, and filed this preseason report. Here is all the information you'll need about each team to carry on an intelligent conversation with the average Yankee fan about the Central. (Listed here in the predicted order of finish.)

1. The Cleveland Indians: They'll go with a five-man rotation, led by future Yankee star C.C. Sabathia, who's listed at 6-foot-7 and "290" pounds. Don't worry fans, flinging around all that weight on the mound won't hurt his shoulder or knees a bit. He'll get better as he ages, believe me.

2. The Detroit Tigers: The Rape of Dade County yielded the Tiggers future Yankee stars Miguel Cabrera and Dontrelle Willis. Cabrera was so happy with the trade, he got this sweet tat.

3. Minnesota Twins: OK, they appear to be an accident waiting to happen, but they're going to hit this year. Future Yankee star Joe Mauer is back from some leg trouble and hitting near .400 this spring. Future Yankee left fielder Delmon Young will crank 30 homers in the Dome and future Yankee center fielder Carlos "GoGo" Gomez is going to rack up 80 stolen bases. The pitching will be just fine, despite the loss of the Savior of Port St. Lucie.

4. Chicago White Sox: They're goin' down. Future Yankee Manager Ozzie Guillen will say something or do something incredibly stupid by mid-May to get himself fired. The team is ready to implode.

5. The Royals: New faces, same places in the standings. 'Nuf said.

Oddly, this predicted order of finish is identical to the way things wound up in '07. If you knew that, you probably shouldn't have wasted your time reading to this point.

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