Friday, March 28, 2008

The Bill O'Reilly Baseball Abstract: AL Projections

The master of the No-Spin Zone on the upcoming season:

EAST: Red Sox:
“If I could, I would deport them. They are a disgusting, despicable, far-left, Barney Frank-supporting team. Lawyers. NPR listeners. That’s what they are. If you disagree with them, they brand you a Yankee fan. All the sudden, you’re the racist, you’re the jerk, you’re the guy who thinks Roger Clemens belongs in the Hall. Well, sorry, Harvard frat boys. You’re not for me. I'm not part of the Redsock Nation. I'm into America Nation. But I do like Curt Schilling. Only out of respect for him, I say, first place.”

“When that bridge fell, we were all Minnesotans. And to let that pitcher go to the Mets -- I forget his name – that had to hurt. But he's from Venezuela. Every penny is going to Hugo Chavez. You can't support that. And frankly, I hate the way Minnesota sucks up to that little crazy leftwing nutjob Al Franken. Guy thinks he’s funny. Hates the United States of America. I feel sorry for him. I’d punch his lights out. Growing up in Levittown, that’s how you settled things. You use your hands. But he's beneath me. So I go with Minnesota. What choice is there? The unions killed Detroit. And Cleveland is that wacko Kucinich and his George Soros-funded team. Never.”

WEST: Mariners.

“They have the Japanese guy, Ichy Sudoko, whatshisname, and I’m all for Japanese guys, and I’ve said this repeatedly, though God forbid, if you speak to race in this country, they come after you with a lynching party. But the Jap can play, and when he comes to bat, nobody ever shouts 'Pearl Harbor!' That tells you something right there. My old man would have shouted it, but, hey, that’s what growing up in Hell’s Kitchen did to you.”

WILD CARD: Yankees.
“I don’t know why I bother. The New York Times wouldn’t even review my books. They were best-sellers. Did I care? Not in the slightest. I’m above that. But what they did to Joe Torre, they’d do to me. What else would you expect from Keith Olbermann’s home town? That’s OK, though. It doesn't bother me. Water off a duck. Still, I don’t forget. No, I never forget. Jeter, A-Rod, Rivera, Bruney, that pyscho relief pitcher Kyle Farnslafel, it doesn’t matter. One of these days, they’ll get a knock on the door. A little visit from the security people at Fox News. Then we'll see what they have to say about Joe Torre."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Extra ketchup please.