Sunday, March 16, 2008

“Rosebud” Rupert Murdoch is eyeing the Yankees

The wealthy antiChrist behind Fox News -- cable TV's 24/7 version of Rush Limbaugh’s talking pilonidial cyst -- has scoured his syncopathic, jelly-spined employee gene pool to trowel-up a Waylon Smithers, someone so morally and financially bankrupt that he -- or she -- would try to infilitrate the Yankiverse as a blogger.

Not this time, Mr. Charles Montgomery Burns.
Not. This. Time.

The House that Rove Built is launching a secret pinstripe charm offensive, spurting O’Reillyesque neo-con talking points on the Yanks, the dog show and Brett Favre, in the Mr. HeadlineGoesHere blog.

If there’s one thing the world doesn't need, it's Hannity & Waldman, or the Geraldo/Mariano Rivera blog. Yet here it is: silver-tonguing Friday about Billy Crystal's horrible desecration of humanity, an act so vile and disruptive to democracy that it will required reading in future Onondaga Community College courses under the title, Death of God in American Literature 101.

(In fact, when we read what is happening to the Yankees, we reach the same conclusion we find when watching George W. Bush: There is no God.)
Here's how Mr. HeadlineGoesHere puts it.
Not only was he a washout at the plate, but Crystal didn’t exactly get off to the best of starts with the media this week, either. Rather than show even a modicum of humility, he hid behind a team-issued press release, and abruptly terminated that by saying, “Oops, I have to go, Scott Boras is on the phone.”

Granted, it’s still early in spring training, and miracles are always possible. But based on this outing, it appears Crystal is headed straight to the top of the pantheon of all-time Yankee mistakes, alongside Hideki Irabu, Carl Pavano, Kevin Brown, Chuck Knoblauch, Rudy Giuliani, et al.

Dear Madam or Sir (or Murdoch, or Ailes, or Brit Hume, or whomever you really are):
We don’t need a Yankee blog from Fox.

All we want from Fox is what Fox provides well: cleavage, thighs, lipstick and pouty faces. Give us that, and we’ll think about it, after torching the latest unreadable George King screed in the Murdoch Post.

Give us that, and we won’t even mind it that with every click of the mouse, you're funneling cash to buy Barack Obama's stool samples for your future Swift Boat advertising cycles, which will aire in HD during every MLB Game of the Week, while Jack Buck's kid talks about how the health care crisis is overrated.

We at IT IS HIGH hereby offer this DECLARATION OF WAR on the Fox Sports HeadlineGoesHere blog.


Your boss, Mr. Goldfinger, may think he can tweak baseball like it’s Matt Drudge’s studded shock collar, but it aint gonna happen.

You are on our list, HeadlineGoesHere.

You are on our list.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Yuck Fou