Wednesday, March 12, 2008

A Serious Word About A Grave Menace

I don't care for Billy Crystal. He's not funny. He owns the Diamondbacks. And his public "friendships" with the Yankees actually manage to make him--a movie star, for Christ's sake--look like a desperate social climber.

But when I hear people say that the Billy Crystal "signing" makes "a mockery of spring training," I want to get a VHS of My Giant, pull the tape out of the cassette, wrap it around my body and walk like The Mummy down the Canyon Of Heroes. I want to start a Billy Crystal Fan Club and project our logo onto the moon. I want to, God help me, sit through My Giant!

The mockery-haters have already ruined the All Star Game--why does everything everywhere have to "count?"--and now they're aiming their Solemnity Guns at Spring Training. Sorry, they're not just aiming; they've already fired, twice. 1) All baserunners must play hard enough to send budding catchers into surgery. 2) No publicity stunts must ever tarnish the "actual" games.

What "actual" games?? These aren't "actual" games! Don't turn them into "actual" games like you did to the stupid All-Star Game!

Who are these people? Dick Cheney? Dean Wormer from Animal House? Are we going to let them ruin Spring Training like they ruin every other damn thing in this world?


Wailin' Suzyn said...


The flippant attitude expressed in this post makes a mockery of the serious, intensive look at the Yankees that we're trying to achieve.

Mustang said...

I know. I know. I took the fuckin' clown nose off.

But this menace is serious enough to warrant extreme measures.

Anonymous said...

While you two are sitting at your computers, congratulating yourselves for your wit and splendor, there are Yankees in Tampa fighting the war.

If you do not intend to contribute, keep you opinions to yourselves. This is not a time to go off "half-cocked."

Wailin' Suzyn said...

Didn't we ban Spitzer jokes.

And hey, buddy, while you're basking in a tub with snow bunnies, we're here entertaining the troops on the home front.

Want a USO donut?

Anonymous said...

What would Eliot do?

First, calm down the rhetoric.

Next, bring the two parties to a hotel in DC for a little socializing.

Put on some background
music ( classical ).

Order some Perrier-Jouet and corn fritters.

Smoke some imported hashish.

Bring in the VIP girls.

Encourage everyone to start sliding, the way it is supposed to be done.

Leave $143,000 in an envelope.

Raise property taxes in NY.

Buy season tickets to Rays/Yanks in 2008.

Take Silda out for chinese.

Anonymous said...

Would it have made a difference if Billy Crystal were funny?
Don & Remy

Buhner's Ghost said...

First you guys mock Dave "Get out the rye bread and mustard, grandma, it's Grand Salami Time!" Niehaus, a real LEGEND of baseball broadcasting, and now you're heaping shit on one of the greatest comedians and baseball fans of all time. ALL TIME! Well, the hell with all you Sterling worshippers and A-Rod supporters. Dave and the Mariners have their own #13 now and his name is MIGGY. You'll be wishing you had Billy Crystal in left field, at least you'd get a coupla laffs with your drubbing.

Wailin' Suzyn said...

You know, he's right!

Forget everything I've said/done/thought/eaten/barfed/sniffed/itched/farted/tweeked/asked/kicked/kissed/sat on/crushed/cried over for the past two weeks!

Mustang said...

I miss Miggy.

Anonymous said...

This is not good for the Jews.

Anonymous said...

Ooh. Ooh. Jumpin' Jehosivat! I got it!

Billy's nickname:

"The Yankee Quipper!"

Wailin' Suzyn said...

Ah, he's all schtick, no glove.

BernBabyBern said...

He shoulda played against the Rays. I would have loved to see him beat Johnny Gomes' ass.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he can get Meg Ryan to hit for him. Or just moan.

Wailin' Suzyn said...

Reading all of the above, it makes me think that every now and then we should pause and give thanks for this grand arena -- the comments section.

These hidden, almost forgotten corners of the Internet, where we can't post photos or make the type big or even color a funny word red, provides such a valuable opportunity to mingle with blog readers, to engage in thoughtful discussion and to inspire young minds.

What a gift.

What a treasure.

May it ever be so.

Anonymous said...

Fuck you.

BernBabyBern said...

Yeah ... what el Duque said.

Anonymous said...

well.. it's like I thought!