Monday, December 10, 2012

If Youkilis rejects us... what then?

You're standing in the corner at the fifth grade dance. All your friends are out on the floor. You're staring at the only girl left. She's looks like Joe Pesci. She outweighs you by 30 pounds. You want no part of this. Nevertheless, you feel your feet moving in her direction. Now, you're standing in front of her. She looks at you as if you're a tree stump. Neither of you want this. But still, you utter the question: "Wanna dance?" And then you wait, while she mulls your puny existence. Why, why, why did it come to this?

We've asked the ugliest girl in the gym to dance. Will Youk say yes?

Dear God, how did 2,000 years of civilization come to this?
Today, the Gammonites claim Cleveland's signing of Mark Reynolds Sunday removes them from the Kevin Youkilis dance floor. But I dunno. God, I dunno anything anymore. If we had danced with Reynolds, it would have taken us out of the mix. It would have crushed our Prime Directive of Yankee Austerity. I'm not sure the Indians feel the same pinch, and the idea of Reynolds in the batting order might make Youk more likely to sign there.

God, please stop the music and let us go home.

Youkilis took the weekend to mull our offer. Who knows what he's thinking? If he were a jury, the longer he deliberated, the less likely he'd say yes. But it's possible that he doesn't want to say yes while in Boston - he's Tom Brady's brother-in-law, and he's scheduled to attend tonight's Patriots game. He doesn't want his car to be keyed.

God, I hated those fifth grade dances.

So anyway, we're standing there, while she stares at the zits on our forehead. I'm thinking Youk's uncertain. He knows it won't matter that the Redsocks drove him from Boston. They'll hate him in a Yankee uniform. They'll burn his pictures. They'll send him dead animals in the mail. Plus, if he has a bad year in NY, he'll be hated in both towns.  Also, there's something else here. Maybe she doesn't like New York boys.

Once upon a time, a dance offer from the Yankees always blew away the girls. Every player wanted to experience NYC. Tommy John - the man, not the surgery - once said he'd played for Chicago and LA, but NYC was the Cadillac - nothing like it.  Nick Swisher couldn't wait to get out on the floor. Now, he can't wait to leave, the boos still ringing in his ear. In New York, you can be dancing deity or a pariah, a Paul O'Neill or an Ed Whitson.

If she says no, we have to walk back to the corner and stand there. If Youk says no, we end up dancing with a Mike Lamb or a Casey McGehee - and we trade a prospect or the Grandyman to get him.

God, how we did get here? Why did we come to this dance in the first place?

This has been one of the darkest Yankee winters I can remember. I still can't wrap my head around the notion of dancing with Youkilis. But if she says no... good grief... how can I even walk into cafeteria on Monday?


SanJoseKid said...

There are players, some with substantial ability, who do not deserve to wear the pinstripes. In all seriousness- it takes a certain quality athlete to play for the Bronx Bombers (and those qualities are not limited to physical skill); conversely, "the pinstripes make the man". There have been marginal Yankees that distinguished themselves despite the fact that they lacked all-star credentials, i.e. Fred "Chicken" Stanley. But Youkilis is a bum, another Red Sox degenerate. Wade Boggs's contributions were appreciated, but still his presence did not sit well with a longtime Yankee fan. Clemens won crucial games, so we could forgive his Red Sox pyscho attitude (just a little). There are some Red Sox players who have made the transition, for example Sparky Lyle, and become "true" Yankees. But I heartily agree with Alphonso. Boo that bum Youkilis. I hope Joba gives him a hot foot or puts bugs in his sunflower seeds. If we have to accept another Red Sock reject, then hire Bobby Valentine and dump Girardi. Joe is at heart a Cub, really. We just adopted him out of compassion because of his pathetic haircut.

el duque said...


JM said...

Youk certainly doesn't fit the new Yankee mold. He gets on base too often. If he could up his strikeout total to, say, 250 or 300, then he could bat behind Granderson.

I don't like Youkilis. I never liked Youkilis. But I'd root for him to have a great year if he was a Yankee. Why not? I never cared for A-Rod but I never wanted him to suffer through a stretch like this past season. I never liked Soriano but when Mo went down, I wanted him to forget his headcase 8th inning fiascos and make the 9th automatic.

I still don't like Girardi and his little book of charts and numbers, but he's there so I don't want him to fail--and cringe every time he pulls a stat-based move to win the year's Overmanager of the Year award.

I like Dickerson, which guarantees that he will never see much playing time at the major league level as long as we own his contract. But then, I liked Shane Spencer, too. And wasn't Kevin Maas fun for a little while? Admit it. That was a short but very sweet ride.

Maybe I've gone soft. Maybe I'm not being sensible. But given the lameness of this offseason and the looming mediocrity of 2013, what the hell. If Youk wants to come over for a year, let him. The season is going to be tough to watch anyway. Clemens made my skin crawl. Youk doesn't even make me want to shower, now that he shaved his chin. After last year, he has to hate the Red Sox organization. Let him come in and see if he can't punish them mercilessly for a while. It would be fun.

We're going to need some fun this year.

I'm Bill White said...

How hard would it be to change this into a Tampa Bay Rays blog?

SanJoseKid said...

No doubt childhood memories appear shinier than the reality. But when Tony Kubek went down (first with a badhop baseball to his throat and then the draftboard's induction notice served on him), out of the Yankee farm system (it was Binghampton then, if I recall) came Tom Tresh, homegrown Yankee, who steps in to ensure another World Series adventure(remember 1962? I won $15 and lost some sore loser friends). Yeah, it was the era of the reserve clause, admittedly. However, it always seemed like some unsung youngster showed up at spring training and picked up for a wounded or missing veteran. Y'know, Joe "Lipstick on the Collar" Pepitone. Miss those days, even the baggy flannel uniforms.

bennyboy said...

It's like you read my did you know...???

bennyboy said...

If I could, I would kidnap Mike Francesa and make him read this blog.

bennyboy said...

I don't think Youkalis has anywhere else to go. He stinks. He's signing. He'll hit .240 with 15 home runs and 60 RBI. He'll play like 130 games. Sterling and Giradi will praise his ability to draw walks. Then they'll cut him after 2013.

That's basically Yankeeography Kevin Youkalis in a nutshell.

el duque said...

At least he'd have to shave.



The horror, Mr. Kurtz, the horror.

SanJoseKid said...

As should be apparent to just about anyone, a serious theme exists in your blog, namely that the Yankees are more than a sports team. Do the Marlins and Diamondbacks even for a moment believe they possess the genuine gravitas of the Yankees? The Steinbrenners may "own" the Yankees, but they don't OWN the Yankees. We do. Because we have rooted for them to the point of exhaustion even when they lose, wear Yankee stuff at ballparks where the Bombers are the visiting team (Turner Field is the worst), and are ready to go every spring right along with the pitchers and catchers. (Yeah, it's not quite as noble as I put it- I was taking bets on the 1962 World Series- schoolchildren gambling, money changing hands on the playground- despicable). The point is that the Yankee lineup possesses a dignity that other teams lack. Yeah, the Cubs are historic, but what do you say about a team whose World Series hopes are stymied by a goat? The 1918 stigma may have now been nullified but the same loser mentality (sorry, but that's what it is) permeates Red Sox "Nation". That's why Youkilis is not acceptable. He's yet another Red Sox malcontent who considers himself a victim of cosmic forces. Apologies for getting mildly metaphysical, but fans of other teams will likely not understand why Youkilis rankles us so much. I genuinely enjoyed watching Joba serve up a little chin music. Jesus forgive me.

Manchurian Candidate said...

I agree with Alphonso, cannot root for Youkilis. My big concern would be, flashbacks, the first time he comes up in Boston in the late innings. When a brawl breaks out does he attack Jete? He cannot be trusted.

JM said...

True, the worst possible part of Yookie being a Yankee would be that our pitchers couldn't throw at his head.

But it's just one year. Think of 2014!

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