Saturday, December 8, 2012

Wow. The Yankees are "considering" chasing Josh Hamilton

First thing I learned in news - (after kill all Republicans; Satan is your new master) - is that you don't write a story to say that somebody is considering a lawsuit. It's not news. Anybody can consider suing. It's news if somebody sues - (that is, if they sue a celebrity. If they just sue a corporation for polution or something, wait until the lawsuit is resolved.)

As we speak, I am "considering" a class action lawsuit against the Strainedbrenners for hording all the loot that Yankee fans and taxpayers send them. Nevertheless, I accept why the Times isn't covering this important development. (I may have to "seriously consider" it and try again.)

So why write that the Yankees are considering an offer to Josh Hamilton?

That's sort of like announcing, 'NO NEWS TODAY.' Hell, I bet the Yankees consider many things. I bet they consider dressing like women. I bet the Yankees consider dropping everything, shaving their head and opening a sex products store in Utica, New York. Fortunately, after considering it, they rejected it.

So why is this news? Obviously, it's true, sorta. Some Yankee pooh bah - probably one who rappels down buildings in safety cocoons - is whispering such nothings to the Gammonites. But why?

I think they sense the anger.

Listen: It's out there. It is the Yankee version of Superstorm Sandy. It is the Arab Spring, in pinstripes. No matter how they spin it, the 2011 season ended horribly - our worst collapse since 2004, which was only the worst for anyone in baseball history, and thus hard to beat. Moreover, fans did what have never done before, at least in this millenium:

They stayed home.

So... what do we know? The Yankees will not sign Josh Hamilton. They won't even make an offer, terrified that he'd accept. We won't find a pony under the Christmas tree. And we should start considering that the Mets will be NYC's most popular team next year.

I humbly believe that I speak for the entire Yankiverse in saying, "Yeesh."

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