Monday, December 17, 2012

The next Yankee: Dice-K!

OK, I know what you're thinking: Dice-K? WTF? Duke, enough! ENOUGH! Thou hath goneth too far! Thou art the speakereth of blaspheme! In the name of God, thou shalt be smote, and thy serpent tongue shalt be cut out and hung for the treasonous she-lizard that it hath become!

All right. Purge. Get it out of your system. We're making progress. (Especially that she-lizard part.) Just remember one thing, one thing: Pitching, pitching, pitching. There's a free agent out there with a high ceiling (relatively), low expectations and a raging salted pickle in his keister about Boston, and he might take a one-year deal to prove to the Gammonite world he's not done, or that he was never Hideki Irabu.

Why not sign Daisuke Matsuzaka? Because he's a dirty filthy Redsock. (Listen... friend... I don't know how to say this, but that ship frickin sailed.) Because he's a crapola starter? Yeah, OK. And does the name "Ivan Nova" mean anything? Think this: Bullpen, bullpen, bullpen. Get it? Bullpen. Remember Irabu's final MLB incarnation? Bullpen. Remember Jose Contreras? Bullpen. Yeah, if Dice-K flops as a starter... oo-oo, Jumpin' Jehozaphat! I got an idea... Bullpen!

Listen, he'll be only 32. On our team, that's jail bait. In the last two years, yeah, he has been horrible. Never pitched more than 45 innings. But at least he's not a Pedro Feliciano - who pitched his arm out for the Mets, before we signed him.  Dice K was hammered so badly last year that he is eligible to be considered Cashman Scrapheap Metal.

They say he wants to pitch in San Diego. Why? Nobody knows. Frankly, I think he just looked at a map of the U.S. and said, I want to go to the place farthest from Boston.

But San Diego is not that place. No sir. The Yankees are.

Why not roll the dice. (Ha. Get it?) Remember: Pitching, pitching, pitching, PITCHING. And frankly, we never have too many desperate former Redsocks. The guy once had talent. He clubbed with Affleck dallied with the Kennedys, dropped the puck for the Bruins. Now, he represents the human embodiment of Boston's failure as an evolutionary species. If he pitches well in NYC, those Redsock fans will be leaping into the harbor. He'd be our greatest in-your-face acquisition since Sparky Lyle.  See ya later, Danny Cater.

I say, offer the guy a one-year chunk of golden cleavage. We've got the scootch.  What's the downside? If he stinks, he's Capt. Matsuzaka of the Scranton Railriders! If he pitches well, he salvages his career. And he can stick to those Redsock blogs.

Hey, I know what you're thinking: Ivan frickin' Nova? Make it stop! Please, she-lizard, make it stop. We're making progress.


JM said...

OK, Youk, yeah, I could live with that. One year, no facial hair, maybe he reverts to form and his back doesn't give out. But Dice K? Another one, in the same year? A head case on top of it?

Nooooo. Noooooo, I say. You can never have too much pitching, but the idea in that saying is that the pitching you have is good. You can actually have too much bad pitching. We don't need that.

And any pitcher, good or bad, with a nickname that has a K in it...nooooo. Noooooo, not for us. Sorry. That's a recipe for disaster. Like any guy with a 'Rod' in his nickname. Bad. Bad bad.

Parson Tom said...

Hey, John, Dwight Gooden was Dr. K. We enjoyed his contributions. Dice-K? Bring him on. Worst he can do is lose a few games. I doubt anyone, including the San Diegos, is going to lock him into the rotation for 33 starts. There's no downside to this move. If he sucks, cut him or send him down. If he beats Boston, that would be delicious beyond my meager descriptive abilities.
Now as for your point about the nickname, Rod. That clearly won't work.

bennyboy said...

I'd rather have Igawa