Thursday, June 16, 2022

What if, gulp, what if... the more the Yankees win, the worse this world gets?

Back in the old millennium, the fun one, it was common knowledge among elite insiders that the NY Yankees functioned as a windsock for world peace and prosperity. 

Throughout recorded history, the Yankees' domination of baseball had been normality, causing mass disruptions when the team failed - such as during World War II, the Vietnam War, the turbulent sixties and Watergate. 

Following the miserable 1990s banking crisis and Iraq War, the franchise was resurrected, bringing hope for a millennium of happiness and Yankee domination.  

The prophets saw it. As Noam Chomsky said, "You wanna know what kills society? I'll tell ya what kills society: Lee Guetterman warming in the pen!" Steve Jobs' first screensaver was a Redsock-capped Satan being trampled by a vengeful Wade Boggs on horseback. Everyone agreed: Yankee wins signified world harmony and a planetary self-pleasurement. 

Then came came The Abyss... 2004, when the magnetic polar caps flipped, reversing time and space. Ever since, the world has watched Boston eat our miserable Happy Meals. Even now, if you listen to Redsock fans, these spiritual snakes think their team will sneak into the 2022 playoffs and whack us. I deal with these unrepentant dwarfs; they remain as disagreeable as ever.

But but BUT... now that the Yankees have baseball's best record - by far - we cannot close our eyes to what is happening in the world. The planet is overheating, plague is rampant, war is exploding, civil unrest is rising, hunger, murder hornets, monkey pox, drunken Giulianis - and we must ask ourselves: 

What if Yankee success is inversely related to the fate of humankind?

What if... the more the Yankees win, the more the planet turns to shit? 

If so, my friends, then Joey Gallo and Aaron Hicks are saving lives. If so, we should all look forward to the return of Aroldis Chapman as closer. If so, we can sleep well knowing the managerial decisions of Aaron Boone will protect our grandchildren.

What should we -as Yankee fans and world citizens - do?

How should we react if Yankee success is, in fact, contributing to the end of the world?

I have given this issue uncountable hours of contemplation and research. My conclusion: We ride this fucking pony. Nobody came to us after the Astros stole the world series and said, "We won't certify the post-season; you're the rightful champs." No fuking way. You know what they said? They said, "Ha ha ha, you fat, garbagy stupids, your team sucks, and here, take Rougned Odor!" 

Well, now, with Yellowstone Park underwater, maybe they won't smartmouth so loudly, eh?  

Yes, the end may be near, and all because of Nasty Nestor. Fukkit. I'm taking these wins and heading for the hills. Right now, we have the best team on the planet, and it's too bad if the asteroid is bearing down, but we gotta win today and shove a Ryan McBroom up these pursed Tampa assholes. They can have the Stanley Cup. I'm building an arc. Who's with me?

13 comments:

JM said...

I've actually thought about this. It is kind of odd that we're having success in such a global shitstorm. The 20s? Fun time. The 50s? America rules and prosperity reigns into the early 60s. The late 90s? The go-go stock market.

Though we did pretty well during the Great Depression, too. But these coincidences (?) are usually not perfectly correlated.

Still.

Ooh, and it makes you wonder.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Don't forget early 60s, JM, the fun, earnest part of the decade. Well, at least until JFK is murdered. But hell, even then we rallied as a country and did good stuff. For a little while.

And the Depression was at least America battling back, and building a better country, ultimately!

1977-78? All right, so maybe this isn't perfect. But hey, they were fun years to be in NYC if you didn't have any money. How often can you say that?


HoraceClarke66 said...

And yes, thanks for contemplating the big questions, Peerless Leader.

I remember, in 2004, thinking, 'If I had one wish, what would I use it on? Yanks beating the Red Sox, or the critical presidential election going the way I want?' (I won't say which way, no politics!)

All I can say is...I'm very glad I didn't have that power.

ranger_lp said...

I'm tempering this optimism with the fact that the New York Yankees are built for the regular season and not the playoffs. What happens when you see the same team five or seven games in a row?

TheWinWarblist said...

And we will all go down together ...


Fuck.

borntorun999 said...

There's a pale horse comin'
I'm gonna ride it
I'll rise in the morning
My fate decided

Maybe…

Kevin said...

Help us Landrew!

AboveAverage said...

Love is the answer

that and throwing away your shaving hardware

facial hair, people

It is the only way

and get your damn leather on the ball

otherwise it may deflect into your noggin

and then there goes the strike zone

and there goes everything

tom hanks NEEDS to grow facial hair

Love is the answer

Alphonso said...

Can the ark have an interlocking NY on the bow?

If so, count me a matey.

13bit said...

you all still don't get what's happening to us, do you?

AboveAverage said...

I'll BITE, bit . . .

TheWinWarblist said...

I grok what the Bit cooking.

The Hammer of God said...

If it is the end of the world, then it is what it is. And if it is the end of the world, then I want to go out with a Yankee World Series Championship. It all started with the Yankees, might as well end with the Yankees.