Saturday, October 6, 2007

Yankeetorial: First, We Kill All the Announcers

Every October, why must we suffer these slobbering network TV shoe salesmen, who have slithered up from their ratholes of Babbitry, to “discover” inspirational stories out of Cleveland, Detroit, Minnesota, Florida, Arizona, East Ebola, et al, as soon as they play the hated, mean, oppressive Yankees?

After 161 frickin’ games and six months of hype, we get these three-chinned gurglers of bullshit shouting, “OMG! Kenny Lofton is trying sooooo hard to beat his former team! Wow! What a story!”

Jesus Christ, every player in MLB has a horseradish corncob up his butt for the Yankees, basically because he’s playing for a rinky-dink and earning less, and 10 years from now, when he’s trying to scratch his cocaine nostril by shilling porno glossies in Ramada Inn conventions, he’ll still be making less, simply because he didn’t play for the Yankees.

They all try to beat the hated, mean, oppressive Yankees. Got it?

I’m so sick of these pandering pinheads, peeing their plaids over little known Grady Sizemore, who has been on the cover of Sports Illustrated, for Godsake!

Listen: Cleveland isn’t Cinderella. It’s High School Musical II. And Grady Sizemore isn’t some 17-year-old virgin. He’s frickin’ Walt Disney Presents Hanna Montana. There’s a reason why Kenny Lofton has played for every team in the solar system. He’s a jerk.


Anonymous said...

Why are you holding back? I'd like to know how you really feel, and what you truly believe.

- Fonzy, of course.

P.S. I only wish we could be sitting out on the dock Sunday night talking about the Giants' game and throwing all portable radios into the lake.

Baseball 2007 is finished for us. Likely, also, baseball in 2008 and 2009.

Mustang said...

If Frank TV can do Vin Scully, put him in the booth.

But the directors are worse than the announcers. You see less of a ballgame on TBS than you do from the Yankee Stadium smokers' pen.

el duque said...

There's only one announcer worth his salt, and he's Susyn Waldman!

Anonymous said...

In the waning moments of game 1, The Announcer For Which This Blog Is Named said, with wonder in his voice, that by an "amazing mathematical coincidence," the Cleveland HRs had been hit by the Nos. 2, 3, 4 and 5 hitters.

Note to John: Your No. 2, 3, 4 and 5 hitters are supposed to be good. They are supposed to be the ones most likely to put the ball out of the park. It's not an "amazing mathematical coincidence." It's guys doing their jobs. (Oh, and it would be very helpful if someone alerted the Yankee lineup of this).